girl next door is it so hard to find someone who loves me for me?

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Sunday, October 30, 2005

i watched two vcds de! HAHAHA.
now i know the beginning im able to relate the story.
so sad BOYS dunno how to watch this type of shows LOL.
quote "cold hearted" lor. all the same one. HOHO. but i think rayson will like. damn gay la. (x


HAHA LETS START TODAY!
ok stupid ben thia and jon! KEEP SAYING ABOUT TRIP SCI HOR.
nono im from art stream la. i duno anything about ENZYMED/BACTERIA/ATOMS lor. really lor. hehehe. (er no offence meant ok)
sigh la. ok. cell outing. walked to kovan. HAHA.
seriously, jon soh if u do that to me one more time not only will i scream at you i will cry la. grrrrrr.
oh HAHA benedict is scared of my soprano screech huh? (:
and so long never see charmaine still the same, FATS, dun be paranoid la -.-
no fair she's gg double sci, so is sophia, benedict, DAMN IT.
whatever la. at least kara supports HISTORY. hohohoho.
went macs to eat.
OH WE SAW EZ LINK CARDS!
so hilarious i tell you. :D
benedict gave everyone a shock, but so cute la! hehehehe
and andrew's cell also there. and jon asked the mac person to pass him the YELLOW BALLOON. and he accepted it! hahaha. xd
eat eat eat and we left for tuition.
then we left for tuition le lor.

SIA CHENYANG. stop saying " that was what i was gg to say"
damn pro la you! -sticks out tongue ><
oh and thank you jialing for the vcds!! and mengmei toooo :D hehe.

WANG ZI BIAN QING WA (((((x


I HAVE STRAIGHTENED THINGS OUT.
i will start thinking about jc now.
HAHA (:
cos i took near 2 yrs to think about my stream, and its still like that.
LOL.
okay i think im going crazy.

NEXT WEDNESDAY - 2A'05 bbq! woohoo. we shall enjoy chao-da chickens!
and i shall show my skills of bbq-ing MARSHMELLOWS!!
muahahahahaha. and monday we are gg to supermarket!!! wooohooo. but i cannot fit in the trolley :(


oh yeah yesterday.
i duno, just disappointed in 2A's performance.
i guess everyone is.
rmb last yr where we topped almost all the exams with our super high msgs and fufilled whats expected of a "best class".
look at this yr.

ok remind me i owe margaret and peiying chocs on first day of sch next yr. hehe.
seems to me i can console people, but cannot do the same to myself.
maybe i have changed, to someone ever so worried over results and so sick of the world. the smiles in photos were fake.
maybe i shld just really change my f*king attitude and not be so competitive.
not as in slacken down, but just don't think that i'm so good and stuff.
cos im not.
even people can like shoot up and get so high, or just behind me, and i dropped so much.
and what im still gg TRIPLE SCIENCE?
im just so jealous of cat high la. there's such thing as trip sci + ss hist + pure geog according to ziyang.
DAMN IT WHY CAN'T CEDAR HAVE THE SAME THING?
and follow cat high with their 25% weightage of each term.
RAH RAH RAH ><

it's either weishan or sophia who told me to follow my heart.
my heart tells me i should nv take trip sci.
the word is NEVER.
but others tell me i should.
ok i cannot deny the thing that i wanna go double sci cos at least its less stressful and if i study as hard i can get top.
AIYAH I DUNO LAH. it's so irritating!

but actually it's not whether you like 2A or not.
cos it's always been a part of me.
i mean there are improvements, and more could be made.
i din cry as hard as when we left 6A. cos we all will be in the same sch still. and could still hang out.
it just feels different la. i duno. couldn't spot it.
and miss leong's leaving too.
and just look at the stack of holiday homework.
BLAH BLAH.
and sec3 tuition may be starting.
BLAH BLAH.
i really regret la damn it.
but ms angelina says that unless someone drops out of 5p.
yeah.

serene. 10th in level.
she's gg tj. but with her like being in my life from p4 till now. i really thinks she deserves it.
in the first place she don't deserve her psle marks.
she could have gotten so much damn higher like 260+
but i really fu2 ta1 ok. duno why.

MAYBE. i shld really try to be a happier person.

BUT. i really detest this world (:

i just im fine now.


I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

(lyricsbox.com)


ok what what what.
people have been telling me i look so pissed off nowadays.
i duno. just. pissed. at alot of things. of myself, my grades basically.

after two yrs of trial and error, NEVER STUDY OUTSIDE.
man, that was why i've done like that.

still thinking whether to appeal into 5p
still thinking whether to go sino-singapore trip or go for ltc
still thinking whether all this was a dream.

test was okay ytd i suppose. just that my thumb knot was wrong. ER YAH THE MOST EASY KNOT. ><
i duno. kind of affected by what ass. chiefs said.
what if i dui bu qi myself, ms chye, leaders, ass. chiefs, chief and my fellow campers, groupmates?



________i still need a long long break before i start everything afresh


5p 1g
thanks to the teacher(S) who psyco-ed my mum .
hahaha how funny!
and now im having regrets -.-
i duno la. but uh yah yah yah. what's all this shit about trip being the most prestigous stream. oh yah yah and you're gonna go around telling people HEY HELLO IM FROM TRIP?
that's like so diao-ed!
i duno. partly because like from jamie to seowyee to sarah to gupreet to singyee and all the pro-ed people are gg trip. hehe.
so it will kind of motivate me to work harder?
damn it i shld have put english literature as 9th sub ><
so like uh yah.
hahaha i m super determined to top the class im gg into next yr (:
and start revision in hols.
maybe thats the repercussions of having the wrong decision?
-shakes head.
i wanna be monitress next yr too! lol.
then i can scold charmaine! hehehehe.
then like, i duno. expectations for next yr is high. damn high.

quite pissed over somethings and some people. yeah. EXCUSES. u know excuses. AHAHA -.- sometimes i don't even know if you're pretending or what. ARGHHH WHATEVER LA.

and to the idiot who for some idiotic reasons gotten my number, stop spamming. i have a good reason to go to the police for this.

still doing ltc homework. hehehe. AND MY NEIGHBOUR UPSTAIRS IS LIKE RENOVATING THE HOUSE?! so noisy. woke me up today can. GRRRRR>


AHHHH!
i still duno what to choose. but veron gg 5p leh!
according to my survey today, 3 out of 5 ppl is gg 5p!
hehehe so fun so fun!
but tay and tbc ask me go trip. then also alot of people ask me go trip.
AIYAH DUNO LA.
so confusing!

anyways thanks people who tried to cheer me up ytd. i think i cried a total of 5 to 6 hours ytd la. hehe.
erm like nurin huiyi japheth and many others who tried to make me happier. hahaha.
guess im okay now :D trip isn't the best man!!! ((x
still considering tho.

BELAY SCHOOL!
sigh i duno la.
but orienteering was fun! we were team2nd (:



this is just maddening.
to ANON.
say whatever you want okay? but hey cedarians ain't bad la! only girls' school with BAND ONE for TWO CONSECUTIVE YEARS> what else you gotta say? im proud of my school. it doesnt seem as tho you are some kinda english pro. try getting HUNDRED for english at cambridge O levels examination. oh man. HELLO PRO ASS! -.- cos u aint know the definition of a NAME. cos u aint got one. even if you've got it, you don't know whats its purpose. its to inform others of your identity. IF YOU WANT. state who you are la.
and english aint everything in the world THANKS ALOT.


i think im suffering from post exam depression.
two days ago i had a weird dream.
okay it started when some teacher asked me char and two other girls to help her with some stuff.
then we missed the announcement of our classes.
so we began like running to the 3rd level, and finding our class. but all of us dun dare to go in and ask whether we belong to that class not.
so i began analysing la. which is the trip sci class.
then i saw gupreet in one of the classes. with huiyi and yusin and abby.
then jamie (the 2i one) was in another class.
so we went like. die.
and char accused my analysis as not being accurate.
so anyways, we went into jamie's class. and ask the teacher if we belong there. and we got a great scolding can. >< say what we not responsible blah blah/
then went into huiyi that class. the teacher was damn nice. and they were going thru the math paper section A.
and yeah im in that class. then i got like what 37/50 for section A.
erm this year the paper la.
and i went like crying ><

then today i dreamt of us being late for ltc meetings. and errr the school's report book printing system was screwed up. and i got last 20 in level -.-

AHHHHH! tmr we will be getting back our papers. then streaming forms >< when they haven even tell us the combi this yr!

HOW.
i cannot make up my mind.
i need more people to cyco me . pls (=


ARGH MY SKIN IS PEELING TOO!
face only. ><><


i shall TRY to have 1000 word post! hahaha.

okay first. i woke up at 7am+ but slept back! duh! i mean like HELLO WHY WOULD I STAND WAKING UP SO EARLY?! then sharron called to wake me up. hehe i told her to. so erm she began waking me up by talking to me -.- hehe. then yah bring this bring that and stuff. in the end i was late for meeting yy! then i rushed down the platform. and the mrt was here! but i dun see yy anywhere. so er i din go in. then suddenly i see her. but doors CLOSED. so later met sharr at kovan. bought some food at 7-11. then went off to harbourfront to meet charmaine! hehe.

THEN. we were suaning yy all the way about her and char. so i went like she sure see char at outram station cos thats where char will come in from! SO REALLY LOR! char really did came in from the same door, and hehehe see i can become fortune teller!

so went to the shuttle bus area. took a bus to sentosa! HAHA. reached there around 12.
then we paid the entrance ticket, and went for the yellow line to palawan beach! hehehehe. then they say samantha they all also come! so we walked along the beach till the end. saw huiyi and peichun along the way! HAHA. then we found a spot, and erm settled down. went to change and buy frisbee and some food! and i took out the hello panda and i think it got lost la -.- hahaha. then it rained! gosh, we thought it was so sao xing to rain la! then yy went like waste her 3bucks on entrance ticket! hehe.

BECAUSE> the weather forcast according to char say will rain and thunder and lightning! then we saw the papers write 33d to 25d. SO UH YAH. hehehe. we were playing in the pool, when i thought i saw lightning, they say dun have. then suddenly thunder! then at first drizzling still play la! hehe. went to 7-11 to have maggi noodles lol.

then after the rain has stopped after around 30min or what? i duno. then went back! the sun was so strong. so we put on suntanning oil provided by char and suntanned! hehehe. then whole skin like burning la! then later we went to play frisbee! then later it became so big group that me,char,sharr,yy,huiyi,yusin,abi,celestine,peichun played tgt! MONKEY! hohoho. so funny la. then veron dun want to come down! samantha also. then went back tanning here and there. then they also come back and forth. HEH. (((x so fun! hehehe. then we swammed a lil. OMG I LEARNT TO SWIM WITH MY HEAD ON TOP! hehehehe. but din learn how to float. hmmmmm. drank the stupid salty water while trying to float and when snatching the frisbee! hoho so fun and so ji lie! IM LOVIN' IT. muahahahaha. then we saw some rubbish in the sea! and yy said she say tadpoles! OMG. so siao la! then we keep screaming when playing hohohoo. and always repeated combinations of people by monkey! HOHO.

i wanna go the bridge la! that one that always pai on tv! then they dun let me go ><

end of the bridge connected to the small island. hehe! din use flash cos i scared cannot see. then end of the island got two watching posts i think. or whatever u call it. STUPID SHARR DUN LET ME GO!

then around 6+ then went back. hohoho. then went to pei sharr eat her dinner! @ pastamania. muahahahaha. char and yy so nice to suan! (note:for fun la. they not what you think they are la hhahaha) then walk walk around. then later all my mothers began calling. muahaha. we looked around and trying to find something in common! lol at first we saw the ring at montip. then wanted to buy those kind of ring to engrave our names. in the end bought the star pendant. hehe.



on my wallet! hahaha. the flash is bad >< 12th October 2005.


exams are over. yes. but all isn't over yet. i thought through alot. alot. really alot. i duno. maybe i should have worked really harder. i shouldn't have indulged in msn, and smsing, and talking on the phone, or tv programmes even if its just 5min. i shld have spent all my time and make my mind think that im concentrating, i shld not have got distracted. i seem to forget all that happened two years ago.

i rmb when i was in sec1 some people asked me for my psle score. er yah and like alot of them din believe. it isnt the point. the point is that my psle made me stronger. it made me grow stronger for what i want. my close friends all know. yes. why im struggling so hard. why i want to go rjc. to prove my mum wrong. but i seem to forgot it all. i forgot what i want. i forgot the aspirations in my life. i forgot. thats why. thats why im such a slacker.

i do not like losing. i mean who does? i know i wld prolly screw up my eoys. and my level position will drop. and i will be out of 10. i knew by then alot others will win me. i know i dun like that. but, i still carried on slacking. why? i don't know.

at first, i really thought that results are everything. its the only thing that would made me happy, besides my friends that is. but. all changed this year. or rather late last year.

i din get in for the hawaii trip.
i WAS in syf, but last minute out.

i thought my life is over. i sure thought so. i admit im not a natural born singer like kaiyin is. i worked very hard. but still, nothing was recognised. i was really upset and all. uhuh. then for i duno what reasons she put me in comm. i really duno why. would ask her on mon i think. and made me go for ltc?

its all about potential and leadership. today's ltc briefing. made me realised that sometimes life IS so harsh. we have to enforce discipline in us. and its just not what it think it will turn out to be. maybe i would really learn how to discipline myself. so i wouldn't be doing all those stuff that would ruin me.

i really wanna find out from ms chye. really wanna. why is she so nice to me? i mean like. sheesh. i think there's so many many more people thats better than me. i really thank her for giving me the chance. on the other hand, i duno whether i will live up to her expectations and all. she send me for ltc. what is i dun pass it? at first, i just wanna go cos i wanna go. but now, i really wanna show the world that even i can do it, and all those that look down on me will faint. i wanna be oac instructor. somehow i became so strong for it. i want to, and i wanna try my best for it.

now. the problem. triple or double?
many told me about the goods of triple science. i mean like. okay im fine with anything. but what will suit me the best? i really duno. some tell me that theres so many many many people wanting to go trip, and here m i telling them trip is no big deal. i mean like, it all depends on individuals what. but. i duno.

and my parents. what they want man?
i mean like COME ON ITS ALL OVER> BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING YOU WANT. I DUN CARE. ITS MY RESULTS NOT YOURS TO BOAST TO YOUR FRIENDS OR SOMETHING. face up to reality. your daughter is not a superwoman. i need breaks. i m made of flesh and blood. ><

quite sad over some stuffs. i duno. blah.


ate hot hotdogs in the morning! HAHA. okay im lame. hotdogs are supposed to be hot eh? -.-
at my voideck, saw this old man, he was talking to me in dialect. i comprehended it but duno how to answer. yeah i only know how to hear. then like i was staring at him. so i decided to speak chinese. he looks lonely. talking to a complete stranger like me. sigh. maybe i shld have put in more effort in learning dialet. maybe.
last paper tomorrow! but after that got ltc briefing or meeting or what? then must buy track pants -.- shall call up cherissa later! hehe. oh. ahhh! i duno where to go tmr >< sentosa on wed! out with sing on thurs! chinatrip powerpoint on fri! HAHA. maybe i shld go home and sleeeeeep since i so lack of sleep. dun feel like studying geog now.
the must be angel

i feel funny. duno why. duno how. somehow you became such a great part of my life. HAHA -.-

oh the lit essay i scribbled 9 sides of foolscap in 90min! HAHA PRO NOT okay im so diao-ed. its about friendship. somehow saddening. friends. hmm. next year all will be in different class. and all we gone thru in 2 yrs? and that we are 3rd for best class award. from the nothing last yr? and the 4th for buzz at canteen? everything.
and if the love has come.
and then i think. next year. sop1 won't be sop1 anymore. with all the people leaving. nobody is walking out pp anymore. nobody is staying back after choir to munch and crap then take the stupid nel train in the squeeezy cabin anymore. ain'tnobody.

I MISS THE GOOD OLD' TIMES.
- if everything's got a second time.


so angry. i din like do anything constructive. grrrrr.
i mustnt screw all this up. ><><


okay. it all started with yesterday, i actually only started studying at 6pm. what is this shit man. why have i turned so slack?
nevermind. the point is, i totally screwed my paper. :D BOTH section A and B.
which means my 80 fly away. (why do things keep flying away? hmmm)
yeah section B was disastrous. i think i like chem now and hate physics. oh man. and bio rocks toooo (:
so the point is, i screwed up chinese, math, english, science and history.
okay thats everything !

was trying to figure out the periodic table ytd! hehehehe. SO LUCKY it din come out. but, damn it, so little chem questions can! the whole paper was like ELECTRICITY. darn. anws thanks japheth (again la!) for err teaching me the periodic table!
HAHA. i know the first one is hydrogen, then helium lithium beryllium boron carbon nitrogen oxygen fluorine neon! HOHO.
then this morning i think yirong was damn flabbergasted cos i was naming them out for fun and she thought i would go on, but obviously i cannot!
yay learning the periodic table shall be my second aspiration after eoys, other than jogging everyday. shall find some pro people to jog with me! HAHA. i dun wanna die in ltc okayyyy. haha

then i guess everyone was quite saddened after the papers. and started comparing answers. oh man. stupid mistakes la. THIS IS SO STUPID GAHHHHH!

i forgot all about track pants. damn. get from cherissa! belay school starts 2nd day after our school proclaimed hols! (: and singyee not gg la walao. HMMMMMPH.

and thanks kaiyin for your class's lit notes!

lets see. i think im such a failure at lighting fire. my stove dun work. after 10 times it did tho. i hate fire. cos u use electricity and convert it into light and heat energy. AND ELECTRICITY SUCKS (: i bet sing and char agrees! -nods.
worst still, tbc was SMIRKING when we were like section B very difficult. and sharr said she smiled too when they told her that.

damn. what if the whole level fails? and nobody pass sci! HAHA. jacked. then no more sci stream everybody goes combine sciences! HAHA.

then denise was telling me about her senior in sec4 with a sec2 guy. diao. stead of cos. so. speechless and everything. what has the world become of! piano later >< damn.


hahahahaha.
yay math and history is OVER.
but hohoho as usual, i guessed all three SEQ questions correctly! (((x
but that doesnt mean i know how to answer them i guess.
math was horrendous. dun talk to me about it! i will flare up and bite you! ><

science next. and soon, by tues, all will be over! hehehe.
while some schools' examinations still haven't finish. LALALA.
and o.O i shall start studying science now.

prayed for alot of things last night. lol. hope all of them come true\


when expectations goes high,
when goals are set,
sometimes its really difficult to achieve a balance, or rather to give it the best shot, and prove yourself.

i feel so cheated by mr tay. lol. anyways i dunno la. he said some stuff to me and singyee. like what if i dun do well. then what i let his expectations down? -.- sigh. i shall try to attempt an easy paper to boost my ego later =D that is if i have the time. hahaha.

about that. somehow unexpected. i have two questions to ask her now. -.- lalalala. i seriously hope i will go pass it.

to my math and hist paper! (:
MAYBE.
i can do it.


arghh! two more days to math and hist.
sheesh la. hist is like. whenever i study one chapter, i will forget the one before!
big big big big big sigh.
and math almost made me crazy okay. the variation questions i got from qln were like killing my brain cells!
then i asked tay today in class. this is how it went:
me "erm mr tay how do you do this question? -points to the paper"
me " oh and this too"
mr tay , looks for the school name. "oh. easy la."
he proceeds to read it.
the 2nd question, he said "oh. interesting question"
goes up to whiteboard and wrote it down.
erm like got people solve it la. he taught us. and came back to me to my 1st question.
he " hmmm. i think this is a sec3 question. "
me "oh izzit haha"
he "let see" he starts writing down workings. and asking me to press the calculator -.- waits waits waits
he " AH! see. actually so easy"
oh and he asked me if i had the whole set of papers, i said no. he was like smiling and kind of smirking asking me if i can give him the papers after i finish sec2 -.-

(the above statements may not be what he said, but roughly la )

yah and i realised ytd, i will die for sci. but hoho . die la what to do!
AND I FORGOT TO ASK HIM IF THE PAPER'S POSSIBLE TO SCORE LIKE 100 ><
ahhhhhhhh!

had a FUN time testing char history. i almost fainted. char you are so damn funny la! hope you get back your phone soon ahahahaha.


somehow i got quite motivated. i think i shld just give my best try. so what if the paper's gonna be difficult? i will aim 100. aim high get high what. (:
i know its quite useless saying all this. but if u keep thinking you wun do well you wun. seriously. from past experiences its my confidence which somehow was lost too that brought me through. but. i duno.
and while thinking maybe 100 for math was just another thing to deceive myself i went to ask japheth whether he thinks i could get it. oh and he said i could get 101 -.- maybe that served as some kind of encouragement. but. maybe he was just trying to be nice and stuff.

this all is really last minute mugging. and like how the history mugging made me crazy and all. and science -.- yah yah anonymous who wish to tag that im ego and whatever go ahead. oh leave your name too.
i din had the thought of borrowing papers from friends in other schs, until like quite late le. no choice. haha. but im like all alone this time. except some who had always stood by me. perhaps everything was a deception. some just really acted like they care.
i don't know about it. but just what i feel. all this made me so tired.
why would people even resolt to being so selfish and stuff just to "ensure" that they will get better grades than others?
like how some people were so selfish then did not share their papers with others. i mean like. oh yah so you think with all this papers u're gonna do damn well in your math right?
oh yeah OF COS. duh la.

how it opened my eyes to see who my real friends are. and those who really offer their help. which i must say. mostly pri school friends. but duh there's people like singyee and char la! and some others. haha. so im quite glad.
this all will end in a week. and then the sino trip auditions will be up i suppose. =and i think i became, more self-centered. cos i wanna prove that i can do stuffs myself. so like. din really ask for help and tried within all myself. like whats with the ip thing. people woke me up and i found that the real reason i wanna go is to prove im that good ? but im again glad i din make the wrong choice.
i struggled within myself. as to why did i even bothered to aim rjc in the first place with sarah? jon told me that day he think i will go njc. okay i mean like. maybe i aint really that saint and good and all. and since they will be admitting so much students from ri and rg, the chance isnt really there. and besides sarah is so much more hardworking than me and stuff and duh she's cleverer. maybe i shld just get myself contented with vjc or something.
then again i end up remembering how others told me i could.
i really duno.