girl next door is it so hard to find someone who loves me for me?

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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

just another one enough to wreck my day.
yes, im not blaming anyone.
the reason why i bother to sign in windows messenger cos msn refuses to be downloaded on my compute after i deleted it is because,
i thought i could talk to you, you, you, you, find you (yeah 5 diff people) after a longggg day at school.
yet i guess we're all stuck in our busy lives.
stuck in our everlasting pile of homework which once you clear them you just have more coming right in.
stuck in everything.
that after a few exchanges of words we just either close the window (referring to both parties) or go off to do work and study (same here).

because i care.
yet everything makes me don't wanna care anymore.
bella said p asked her class to write down who are their acquaintances, confidants, and good friends (sth like that).
i just i clearly know mine.
but maybe after 1 more month i won't anymore.
it's not that both parties are selfish, its more of knowing your priorities.
right, homework always comes first GET THAT IN LIM RUI WEN ALICIA.
my tian!
cheryl, i shall study 4 hours FULLLLL everyday too. : D

i feel _ lost this year.
lost in my pathetic grades.
lost between my priorities.
im scared.
so _ scared.

i wanna go church this week, please.
it hurts when you want something so badly, and yet you are so far from reach.
so what if i wanna go hwachong?
yet i dun have all the abilities.
so much for everything.
so much for even stepping in that compound with you guys.
so much for me and sophia and wp saying we wanna go there.

i desparately need more motivation.

what keeps YOU alive? (yes everyone who is reading this)

it used to be that i have hope (one of the factors lah, i need air too o.O)

now?
sya im paranoid or whatever, that i m being stupid and nie-dai-ing myself cos i shouldn't have aimed so high. if i aimed srjc or sth will i be suffering ?
but WHAT THE HEAVEN IS WRONG WITH WANTING TO GO SOMEWHERE?

i used to be someone without any directions.
now that i have, yet im only stuck in my viewing position which heads 360 degrees north , only being able to stare at it, nothing else. (yes meaning its directly in front of the path i have)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,

maybe no one cares anymore.
except God.
i have a burning desire to call you. yet there's nothing to talk about anymore.
what about smiling?
HAHA. wow. maybe i changed too.
maybe i used to be somebody ever so confident of whatever she does and will achieve whatever she sets for herself.


im tired of all this shit.
of flunking everything on earth you get.

why is this year so screwed?

i ask myself, have i not tried hard enough.
then what is trying hard?

oh what (Waste matter),
roll over,
and till then!





i _ know that life is precious.
i want it.
yet, it's all so oh my tian tiring.
yet im still trying to stay alive.


WOW o.O

is that not impressive.
HAHAHAHA.

even an sms from you won't help.
okay maybe it will, for 30seconds!
then poof you realise everything's a dream again.

woot.

iffffffffffffff, only i had a chance to unscrew things, i will.


and in the end it's you who started the whole convo thing again.
sometimes i ask myself what type of friend am i. yes, there are friendships that are passionate, once passionate, whatever stupid tense you use it, it's all in the past.
you try so hard to bring it back, almost want to give up, and tada the other party picks it all up for you again.
YOOHOOO.
it's not easy for anyone to really know me, to make me really say out what i really feel. cos i care about how others would look at me, even my closest friends.

and you did time and again.

making me wonder, why people always say to "cherish" and never do/did.

-
i read mel's posts couple of days back today.
i so wanted to comment/tag/, but i couldn't find words to express myself.
i just couldn't.

not because i din care, but, i will be wondering does she even remember me/denyse?

-
charis's not in sch today. so wasn't jamie.
):


and thanks jessica for talking sense into me! (:


ahhh.
im officially sick again.
and lost my voice.

yeah right, miss me.

i actually wrote a very very emo post on foolscap during intermission btw lessons on friday.
but i decided not to scan it in my comp.
cos i will have everyone trying to cyco me again.
cos it sounds terribly suicidal.
but since im scared of even small insects, i won't even have the courage to do it. right ely? HAHA.

choir, SO, rocks.

we have this disney family thinggg! since denyse is president she's mickey, and wanping is minnie. and yunmin is donald (HAHA) and eileen is daisy and qx is goofy and im pluto and eli is scroooch? (how to spell, that old donald, hoho), nicole hh and soph are the 3 small donalds! eunice and lynette are chip and dale. LOL LOL.

whatever.

anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. i feel like banging wall right now. its freaking cold here. even tho the room temp is like so high, im feeling so damn cold (physically) thanks to my stupid flu bug. yeah flu bug kills. then again, im saddened by the fact that i wouldn't be able to go church next week and perhaps next next week >.<

i figured out the next time will be like cny eve?! omg.

FREAKKKKKK.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

JAMIE TAYYYY cheer up okay! : D

and yes, shopping next tues with quincy jam and sing! (:
i bet singyee is gonna bring 500 bucks, wait and see!

I FINISHED ALL THE WEEKEND HOMEWORK. HOHO. PRO ANOT?
:
i shld just close this down someday.
then again if i lock my new blog if i have one, who am i to tell the pw? HAHAHA.

charis! change song next week okay. LOL.

and kaiyin dearrrr piggie , (:


AHHHH.







JIAYOU JIAYOU. oh man!

basically, i hate 3/7 days a week now. ):
mock spa for bio today. YAYYYY MS CHNG IS GONNA GIVE US TITRATION STUFF TMR WOOTS <3

i have summary, yyw and ss to copy from foolscap into the worksheet to do before...
12!
and im gg sch at 6.40 tmr woohoo! : D


wahhhahaha!!
it's so amusing!!

i suddenly thought of a utopia (couldn't find any more noun).
if denyse decides to go hc, if i can make it to hc, then we will meet melissa there in choir!!!
then suddenly, wanping and sophia say they wanna go hc also!!!

THIS IS ULTIMATE COOLNESS! :D

look for your goal, and aim towards it.

(:

we all need determination and self discipline.....?

whatever! HAHAHAHA.

singyee must be so sad to know that japn don't welcome her.
>.<


i think im suffering from some zi high mental disorder.
gosh ruiwen you can't be any madder than ummm JESSICA ARNANTA!

HAHAHA.

i slept for a whole 2 hours today? damn shiok! first set my alarm to 4.15. then woke up changed it to 4.30. then to 4.40, then i just heck its ringing since its fir's love love love and it's a pretty nice song and just... slept all the way until 6PM! :D im thinking i have the ability to wake up on time (which leaves me barely enough time to study math) but there's almost nothing to study. i did alr some 50 questions? HOHO!

and yes and cny shopping!!!!!!!
my list:
adidas men's jacket (IM SO DETERMINED MAN !!)
3 skirts
jeans
nice tops!
and long sleeves : D
and i decided that i cannot wear off shoulders for nuts cos i still love tees!
oo, and if i can find nice shorts but not too short and definitely still above knee.
HAHAHA.

and i want a new bag : D why soph's bag doesn't have PINK colour. it will be so freaking nice...

shit, this post is like super materialistic but i dun care.
cos.
i just dun want and refuse to care.
DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE? OH YEAH RIGHT.

charu has a miracle in her to make me talk non stop. i don't know why. HAHAHAHA.

and omg sia chen yang you teach me wrong thing for physics ))))))))))):

WOOHOO.
i so agree with charis.
how i live everyday? telling myself if i survived last week i would survive this week too.

it hurts to see ppl around you hurting themselves.

for some reason i just burst out crying while replying to leo's smses.

emo freak :quote elyssa my mother's blog, emo is love -.- DAMN LAME LAH HAHAHAHA.

and i recomprehended sat's sermon's notes. AM I GUAI? is this counted as a qt? omg. but anyway thank lord (:

and mr sng's so funnnnnnny!
okay maybe not funny. i couldn't find another word.
then we were talking about sara's weddding gown being made of black choc and white choc and the person will lick it and bite it until its gone.
WAHLAO DAMN SICK o.O

I WANNA GO LONDON.
hahaha.

often, people get into relationships because they just want someone to be there, someone who is obliged to be there ALWAYS.
thus, the many get-togethers and many breakups?

then who will be there for me always? HAHAHAHAHA!

though nobody is obliged to. damn sad right. LOL.

but i know God will, bringing me through thick and thin, every lesson/suffering enhances the character of your life. SEE ZOMG I RMB THE SERMON NOTES!
even the best people can screw up their lives....
quote sheena "through Christ who strengthens me" cos i see it on her msn nick the whole day i memorised it, kind of. HAHAHA.


why everyone say i super random nowadays?

first, at about the same time, cy and leo say i got "no link", nvm, in sch the rest alr say i super random, nvm, then, when i see my tagboard, kaiyin thinks im random too -.-

what on earth.

HAHAHAAHHA.

what on huiyi? : D




ANYWAY WOOHOOO I LOVE MONDAYS COS CHOIR ENDS EARLY.

and, i think people are so deep.
deep like siao.

i so cannot wait to get out of cedar.


http://www.moe.gov.sg/jcreview/JC%20Calendar.htm

OH LOOK WE HAVE THREE MONTHS JC! : D
ours is the last batch.
LIKE ZOMG.
this totally made my day today.
i see ALOT of light now : D

and happy birthday leonard leong my BROTHER !


i will prolly disappear for the next how many days.
or weeks.
HAHAHA. tho coming online occasionally.

yeah : D

byebye world! AHAHAHA. i think life is getting complicating.
sometimes you won't even expect things?
or whatever.
why can't i go church every week >.<

ICE RUJA : D


give me the strength to hold on;
to be a better person;
to have wisdom;





it hurts freaking so badly.

long story to why i missed out almost entire part of worship. anyway the sermon was so related. (:
AND AND AND!
someone huo gai bei wo da -.- HAHA.
i din know crabs have hair.
neither do i know apples are nice since i eat them everyday.


i hate this.

but at least its good right, some kind of miscommunication and we'll never talk again.
HAHAHA.
im still trying to draw some stupid diagram from chem txtbk.

why am i still holding on?
knowing that nobody will be there at the end of the day.

or perhaps i could talk sense into myself. HOHO.

just stop all this shit inside me.

im so gonna get a laptop.

i see no meaning in talking to anyone anymore. because no one understands. even those who does have better/more impt things to do.
or that we're all having such busy lives, we don't care anymore.

perhaps this is truly the end.
i don't even think of you in class do i ?
i don't even stare at my phone hoping every sms i receive is from you do i ?

AND QUINCY WANTS MY ZHENG WEN! : D
HHAAHAHA.
i need a mask too.
malu myself during cny.
tho some big bad dog needs it more : D : D :D

i m starving myself to keep me alive. irony?
HAHAhAHAHA. i just dun feel like eating...
cos lunch is ready in 10-20mins time!


AHAHA I SAW A RAINBOW TODAYYYY : D

things are rare.

taken to singing in class, but charis refuses to change song -.- LOL. YI QIAN NIAN YI HOU!
yay love stories for zeng wen rocks : D

choir was crapping with eunice. talked about jcs.

i remembered something while reading today.

carpe diem; seize the day.

YEAH SO NOW I SHOULD CARPE DIEM AND GO FINISH UP WHAT IM SUPPOSED TO DO, WHATEVER NYEH NYEH CRAP.
and,
waiting.

sheesh >.<

ANYWAYYYYY i drew a spongebob todayyyy : D NICE OKAY.

sometimes doing what your heart wants you to do only harms you further.

HC! :\


charis! HAHAHA.
the roots/sources of all problems.

im kinda glad im home so early!
this week has been hell.

anyway, quincy just told damn lame jokes today lahhh. and hohoho she's gonna go china to marry china man auditioned by mrs lim ? ((:

AND HAHAA IM NOT AGGRESSIVE LOR! IM JUST UMMM bring emotions into my words. >.<>.<>.<

and our dear huiyi shot at mr goh with her gun : D
DAMN FUNNY LAH.
then mr tay came in saying no firearm.

i guess i have learnt to keep everything to myself.
does anyone even realise how tired i look everyday?

believe me. those hysterical laughs in school are fake. everyday.

yayyy i m gonna have grandchildren man!!
mrs lim's 3 child policy.

watched wo ai ni's mtv today. NO WONDER MS WEE KNOW THE STORY ZOMG.

if i dun go i feel bad, if i go i feel useless :\


please, don't do anything silly.

i almost burst out crying.


i need to find myself back someday.

HAHAHA.

i think i've become frustrated, overly frustrated these days.

hoho, but im strong what! : D









spotcheck today. seriously lah zzz . its all tiring and stupid when you cannot even catch people you wanna watch, tchrs? HAAHA.
I WANNA FAINT.
shall go around asking
anyway, the 3.75 strawberry sticks still nicer ): the $1 is like lousy lah. no flavour and so artificial. HOHO.
AHHHHHHH. i dread all mon,wed,fri now.
im sorry but that's what i feel inside me.
i can't wait to get out of cedar actually.

dionne shouted my name and said hi during recess o.O LOL!

announced instructors 07 and understudies today?
YAY got ppl to disturb during oac already, HAHAHA.


life sucks to the core.

i dun even know what's the problemmmmmmmm why can't things work?

and i decided not to quit math olympaid. prolly cos only samantha's staying, and, prolly cos. i hope it's a smart one.

i dunno what to do anymore.

i have a thousand million things to do.

HELP?

i just need 24 more hours a day.

just shut up and zzz i really hate it the way it is now man, qixuan, i duno how i feel. what if i dun even feel anything? (cos my nerves kana burnt)

it sucks when the class doesn't care a shit when you do.

it sucks even more when things are these way.

maybe i din try hard enough?


because there's so much fear in me.
im so scared of everything that's going on.
im scared of losing what i 'own'.
im scared of losing you you you you you you you you you yo uy and you, so many people.
im scared of failing expectations.
im scared that cedar choir will collapse.


maybe what im most scared of is that there will be no one to catch me when i fall.
there used to be, now? perhaps no longer.


happy belated birthday jon soh!（：

不要再长高了。
哈哈！


my whole stupid emo post got deleted again.
then i tot something like last week will happen, haha, but it didn't.
oh well, i m left to my own guessings again.

there's audition tmr.
but my voice is dying and anyway i have no energy to care, whatsoever.

there's this anonymous person who called me 3 times ytd, and refuse to tell me who is that. does anyone know of the number 91266033?
stupid man even know i'm from cedar, choir.
AHHHHH!

damn stupid and irritating.

going to see doc later. haha.

you and i used to talk everyday on msn, or sms quite frequently.

used to.

maybe we're all too caught up with our lives.

maybe, that was the last.

i hope youII meant what you said.

did i forget to mention that


on the brink of what i thought was life and death;

things were actually running through my head.

this is crap.






will we stick to we we said?
or you just needed a substitute for someone there.

i so love quincy's words.

we din grew up, but we grew apart.


hahaha.
after seeing julynn's post,
i think the song shld be MORE THAN WORDS instead!!!
with the guitar pluck.

NICE MAN!
(:

can;t believe it. the whole night im on msn talking crap.
it sucks to think.
generate brain power for brain cells :

okokokok. tmr shall be a new start =D
right.

if you're happy, i will be too.

sometimes, having a fall is good too.

somethings are like, you assume there's no air resistance, meaning got constant acceleration, meaning you will fall safely.
but everything's got risk.
you can't measure the amount of hurt u have can you.


sometimes i just confuse myself.
hahaha, get it, no mood at all, for anything.

somethings passed, and you truly know some things can't be turned back, especially time.
neither do i wanna walk out, but i must somehow?

you wouldn't know every night i will pray for you.

youII wouldn't know how much we've drifted, but we're still best of friends forever.

o.O

anyway i saw chriszhao walking at j8 today! HAHAHA. and communicated thru the windows, lame!

and i still dunno how to fold a crane. like yunmin says, talking to me more about it will only make her bang the glass if it isn't glass.
:
and i think me and huiyi talked alot today. LOL. "studying!"
its so surprising.
i think relationships in our class are like what's happening in war and beauty.
what lies behind every mask.
key word: every.


and its scary to know people you don't even know looks at your blog lahhhhhhh zomg.

soon, 2nd week of jan will pass, everything, and um, by the time sw's bday comes everything will be over.
LOL.
e
v
e
r
y
t
h
i
n
g
.

maybe that's life.

i dunno.

anyway suaning singyee in class is so nice. LOL.
and playing mrt game with rachel sade and px.
and seeing qixuan somewhere in sch and she gives you the spastic face.
and yirong not wanting to tell me if she has a bf or not.
and me and charis talking i duno what also during assembly.
and wanping and matong robbing me of 50cents today.
and matong still owing me a letter for 2 mths and going.
and quincy being spas and all.
and biru losing 1 kg?! (the most ridiculous one)

LOL.

i don't know how long can i hang on.

try to.

for a hope, for something to happen and poof.

btw i think ss lesson kinda, i dunno how to say but its like damn stressful and i totally listen to every word she says and try to copy down every link.
i bet at least 20"a1"s were mentioned.
sigh.
stress is good, but not too much.
like what mrs annie gay say, going full speed at the start will only wear you out later.

watched arena on 156 today. DID ANYBODY SAY HOW FREAKING LONG THE BUS TOOK TO COME. LOL.
it was nice lah just that i couldn't stand someeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee people.
but didn't get to watch the last part, cos the bus reached interchange.
so i rushed home and caught it on radio instead o.O

damn spas.


it mustn't falter, at all.

sometimes, i dun even know my own direction-


tuition was kinda fun ytd. AHAHA. cy bought us food and wahlao the strawberry sticks are CHAO NICE, creamy and yummy with real strawberry bits!!!!

that explains my msn PM.

anyway, i still dun like dark choc. duno why chris and collin like it so much . BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.

today i went on an attempt to find it in cold storage, since its bought in japan, then i saw this packet super familiar, damn happy, thought it is what we ate ytd, when i reached home and opened it it isn't.
still, damn nice.

(stupid lah the one i bought is POCKY and his is MEIJI)

make me happy for nothing.

anything's got mitch albom's for one more day? it seems damn nice, the synopsis.

LOL.

but it costs some 32 bucks.
):

i desparately need a book for morning assembly!!
HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

sigh.

anyway. talked about it today again. some problems is just cannot solve de, forget it bah. haha.

in the end, what's the point?

& i gave julynn a hug today! (:

i hope you're having a good day.


i blogged a whole lot of stuff ytd, and all got deleted cos my IE hanged. shucks, should have used msn explorer.

but then i found out the reason why it chose to get hanged.

anywayyyyy went to collect my moneyyyy ytd! HAHAHA. then went church.
first youth ablaze of the year <3 yay i finally gave leo his cookies, then i went home and ate the last one and found out it's like lou feng. but nevermind, no stomachache can le. HAHAHA. finally got ppl say my tie nice lah, wth. HAHAHA. after 3 yrs of being in cedar, this being the 4th. yiming is funny to ask me izzit everyday must wear o.O zzzz! why do guys marry girls so that they'll have nice ties : LOL. and gave the 3 of them their shirtsssssss. wear tgt then funny! HAHA. then me and jiayan went siao as usual talking about benthia's hair. she said he looks like a girl, i said ape/monkey. then she said look like yiming except the mouth. siao alr.
so anyway mustard sauce! (:


- and oh crap, so many things are happening lah. zzzzzzz. i prayed for a whole lot of friends until i fall asleep and i duno who i stopped at. bang wall. i seriously hope many thingS will be fine, soon. don't make me hate sec4.

hahaha, when everyone is talking about mugging.. its sian diao.

i talked to you on msn ytd, you din even reply anything. wow. so this 2+ yrs of friendship is just....??
i hate to say you were once almost my most important friend i had.

as for you, somethings are hard to let go, no matter how easy it seems. this time its silent.
but it'll still be.

they say that everyone will have a guardian angel, unknown one. who did God put as mine?
while i'll be yours, even if you dun realise it.


maybe the time has come when you need to make kind of important decisions,
and when you need to face the music anyway for whatever has invisibly happened in between.

or when you need to start thinking of what happens in the future o.O

maybe i do selectively neglect things/people.
or there's just no more energy to bother anymore.

when i wrote that three words on that paper, i knew im kind of screwed for the rest of the year.

no one realises how tough it's gonna be.

for the remaining i duno how many days.
but,
you'd say its my choice anyway by the end of the day.

when all you face would be nothing but disappointments. its not about capability, or anything. not confidence, contentment. but reality.

when it struck you hard enough to bring you to a clearER view of this world.

that people,things,memories is gonna fail you one day?

how'd i face the problem?

let's wait and see.


ANABELLA'S GOT A NEW BLOG! (see, free promotion eh! HAHA)

anywayyyyy. today was, zzz as usual. LOL. except the movie paying it forward or sth like that is nice, and makes you really think.

the most frequent from my mouth is now "SIAN".

how about so many many choir practices which will even clash into your mid yr exam o.O

ANYWAY. qixuan loves my jokes lah. HAHAHAHA (: RIGHTTTTT?


zhu ying tai & juliet :charis is gay lah!
HAHAHA. woots, the end of the week is coming.


alas, first day of school.

so... hahaha.
i can't see from my seat,

mr sng's not our form teacher anymore,

im sitting with pinnxian now,

i've got xmas presents from quincy and eileen<3 (sophia dun jealous LOL i love eileen too!),

all our tchrs remain except SSGE which is mrs lim kim choo now and amath which is mr tay now and emath which is mrs chia and bio which is ms angelina tan and our form is ms chng,

huiyi's monitress! ((: and okay its mr tay get it ): no more mrs chia!,

I FINALLY CUT MY HAIR, but only fringe can see the diff, cos i din cut the length but its thinner by alot now. (i figured out whatever hair huiyi removed from her head today is > than my hair now o.O),

there IS 3 mths jc (: (stupid auntie who told me wrong info, how im supposed to know something from acs HOD of math will be wrong) (which means got hope lah, HAHAHHAA. yay. my goal is clear now),

and mr tay remembers me and quincy, scare the hell out of me,

huiyi looks so much nicer when her hair is straightened!,

cat high's first prelim is right after CNY (totally ridiculous),

i wanna sleep now but i can't cos i got a million pile of work to do.



random facts o.O
HAHAHAA. am i saint or am i saint?
100 days for 100 chapters is ridic too. but anyway, yeah, we shld know where we wanna head for next by now. LOL.
everything's gonna be so diff.
mr goh's dao?
" i am not" (; LOL.


and this is THE END. fullstop.
HAHAA. it feels great to let go of things. (:

don't come making me confused again. december has been nothing but a dream :
tomorrow's a new day, with my mickey mouse bag. HAHAHA.


my last day of 2006.
HAHAHAHA.
was bored until the last couple of hours, watchnight! (:
thank God my parents let me go in the end.
so spent my last hours in church (: HAHAHA. with wonderful people.
then me and sophia got funny videos. LOL. i've got one with yiming and wilson K-I-S-S-I-N-G! should you-tube it one day.... HAHAHA. that was siao.
then it was 12 and worship was damn good! really. and running around in "trains" :\ HAHAHA.
oh and supper was nice but i was still hungry.
HAHAHA. and after it all ended we went out to play with the sprays and stuff.
thanks luhhhh everyone attack me -.- i think my hair now still smells of the foam snow smell despite shampooing it quite alot. LOL.
maybe, that 30min of screaming spraying, everything, could have last longer. <3

the reason why i dun like to say goodbye,
what for. not as if its really good-bye. so i just went HAPPY NEW YEAR BYEEEEEEEEE. which i bet none heard it. HAHAHA.

& so what if, catch glimpse of sometimes.
lol, it still hurts bad.