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Sunday, September 30, 2007

有时候，自己也不了解自己。因为事实和幻想的距离已经变得遥远，似乎有一种抓不到梦想的感觉。
再问自己，梦想是什么？
对有些人来说，梦想可能就是吃一顿好的，对有些人来说，梦想可能就是能上学读书那么简单。
但是对我来说，梦想常常只是个空虚。有的时候只不过是在一直沿着已铺好的路跑着，跑呀跑呀，终点，你在哪儿？


If time would rewind and allow me to go back to the past, I'd really like to know you again, afresh.

A pity, Time forbids me to do so, for the rest of my life.
And the fact that we've become complete strangers didn't help at all.
One day, I'll say goodbye with a smile. A smile that contains all the tears, once and for all.

On a lighter note, laughed quite a bit in tuition. Gosh, I think I'll truly miss chinese tuition next time! Although no one is chinaman/chinawoman! >.< HAHA. Christopher was so lucky to not have sat in front of me, that's why he was so qian bian. And cy's mother was so funny to sms him "call me 2 9 not cook". Oh my! ): Although my mum wasn't any better sending me a message without any punctuations, making me take so long to digest her message.

Anyway, I think it's so sad if your own parents don't even support your decision. But it's brought about an adverse effect: the more YOU try to irritate me, the more resilient I will become and all the more I'd act accordingly, to MY wishes.


i think that i'm very easily demoralised by some stupid shit difficult paper. and at the same time very easily encouraged by some easy weesy paper.
i'm glad that this will only go on for less than 2 months if not i'd sure go crazy soon. LOL.

and i think it's a bad idea to have physics on sat, friday would be nice ): i've done nothing since i came home except to complete math papers. which is bad!

anyway, i've decided to take physics in jc (encouraged by geof's study-2-pages-for-physics). HAHAHAHA. :D and they so had to put physics on 12th oct! ): no more open house. grah >.<

i think i'm REALLY having the afternoon syndrome! :\

anyway, morning was funny.

-walks into foyer-
-people started talking about studying last night-
-realised everyone fell asleep, quincy even slept on sofa till morning-
-kelly walks in-
"did you sleep yesterday while studying?"
"i didn't even study lah!"

HAHAHA.

overrun.


gosh, i can't believe i took near 3 hours to memorise half or venice, and it's the memorised-half-and-forget-half kind of MEMORISING.

anyway, i've decided to shut my mind about any choice of junior colleges. we'll see at the end of o's. anyway, my mind's already 90% made up about you-know-where. think for me it's more about following my heart, though it isn't a very accurate judgment. LOL. >.<

and i realised that if we go hc together it'd be quite fun. LOL. but charis doesn't want to be in same class as me leh ): HAHAHA.

anyway, eng mock exam was such a disaster!

and julynn's cheesecake is so pink!

for now, drop everything out of my mind. the best way is to start all over again, if you know what i mean.
because the most difficult thing is not to do your best, but is to maintain your best, and even set a new definition of "best".

so long,

sometimes i can't even differentiate the reals and fakes.
perhaps every mask is two sided.



i don't like JAT's blog now, it's all brown which reminds me of something smelly that is brown too and it has a picture of chocolates which makes me feel like puking when i'm full. HAHA!

i've decided that after each of the o's papers, i'm going to tell myself that i did not do well. because this prelims was kind of BLINK BLINK, where the papers which i thought were damn good weren't exactly good. and vice versa. hahaha so i should start using reverse psychology! the most satisfying papers were biology and english. for now, no where to go!!

"where are you going?"
"home."
"no lah i'm talking about which jc!"
this was what was repeated thousands of time.

and yes!!! yunmin didn't make it to ite, her dream school. the funniest joke on earth >.<

and school starts tomorrow! which is kind of, sad. no more air conditioned hall! ): and the classrooms must be freaking hot now. i feel like i'm in a blast furnace almost every other second. and somehow i think singapore will experience heatwaves one day. WAHAHAHA. then everyone will have burnt skin and rosy cheeks and most will become underweight because the water evaporated from the skin surface and biomass becomes smaller. LOL LOL. :\


its funny how BELIEVING actually works,
but it adds up to another reason for ... ... a topic to talk about.

i'm standing here, but all i want,
is to be over there.




OMG I ACTUALLY CHANGED EILEEN'S BRO'S NAME FROM ELLSON TO ELTON! :\
-slaps myself.

HAHAHA. but it's kind of psychic. LOL LOL. and i concluded that the chinese teachers are damn nice because if they were to minus my cuo bie zi i will get around 6 marks less for chinese. LOL. but for now, it seems that both english and higher chinese are equally hard to score in the O's. so it's kind of confusing again. and charmaine only confuses people more!

and i concluded that the chicken stew don't taste nice! -.- curry chicken's nicer. MUAHAHA. for once jamie ate faster than me and liukun.

i'm so happy cause i learnt two new words since yesterday, noisome and panacea. HAHAHA. noisome is Offensive to the smell or other senses; disgusting. panacea is a remedy for all disease or ills; cure-all OR an answer or solution for all problems or difficulties. yayyye! one word a day keeps b3s away! :D HAHAHAHA, i invented this sentence. LOL. okay, got to go.

it seems that what's gone, is really gone.


HAHAHA OMG I'M DAMN EXCITED FOR TOMORROW!!! WHY? BECAUSE OUR RESULTS ARE COMING BACK, FINALLY, AFTER A VERY LONG TIME.

i just want to know them, be it good or bad, so i can fully concentrate on o's.

YAY! its like around 11 more hours! -.-


They say that you should follow
and chase down what you dream,
but if you get lost and lose yourself
what does is really mean?

No matter where we’re going,
it starts from where we are.
There’s more to life when we listen to our hearts

maybe the anxiety is building up really badly, yes, in a negative way. because of that i chose to believe that it's me who's becoming worser. sometimes i really feel that i've lost the "it" factor in my life. isn't as happy-go-lucky as before, trust me on that totally. maybe it's just part and parcel of growing up, i wouldn't know. but right now i think that it's kind of irritating planning out everything and when everything doesn't go according to the plan, it sucks big time. anyway, i'm not even scared of thunder, like the really loud one this morning. maybe my sleep is far more important than jumping out of the bed and screaming in response to the scary sound of thunder. or maybe, i'm just too tired to actually try to do anything.

they say that trying itself, is a great step.

i'd still choose to believe that we're still pretty much the same, but no, i don't know.

anyway, i'm going to buy strawberry nuggets later! WAHAHAHA. (: nuggets makes me happppy. not in the same way, but in a different way.



sermon today made me realised that i have a close to perfect family. but nobody has perfect families anyway. was something about honoring your parents. as i reflected in L4, found nothing to make me dislike/hate my family at that moment, maybe small things in life, yes, but generally, nothing. and yes thank God for that. my heart kind of goes out to some, but stay strong, have faith yeah (:

after 3927610 years, i finally returned many things. HAHA. only that yiming was so qianbian to actually make something out of nothing -.- good day, didn't study anything again, whee. yay dorita gave me a hug and somehow the cell grew bigger again o.O okay i've decided that i don't like SO BIG a cell. feels weird. but still, generally a "hwachong" cell, some 50% consist of the hc guys. (okay my point of confusion again, refers to two things actually)

actually, i don't know what i'm afraid of either. not the dark of course, dark as in switching off the lights, haha. but rather, not becoming who i've thought i'd become.

crap, my mum just came home, with a "gift" from my auntie. i thought it was some travel souvenir, turned up to be 07 math prelims papers from BP, crescent, and acs o.O crap... LOL. okay, shall go off now. blogging too much isn't good. HAHA.


sent char half of three lil pigs story which took up 4 text messages and i was too lazy to continue. LOL. i think i've gone quite crazy recently but whooo cares, 3lilpigs is a classic. YAYE! wonder how long it has been since we last hear fairytales, where good people lives, bad people don't.

just as we may ask why,

i don't know why either.


was just wondering, just how much is a scholarship worth these days?

when ms leong said that the one way travel to your choice of jc shouldn't take more than 45 min, i went "shit i got no jc to go! all the jcs take more than 1 hour, even rj which is the nearest". charis went "go meridian lah, if not go sr" :\

anyway that set me off thinking, again. now i ask, why am i always thinking? nevermind.

it takes 1 hour 30 min at least for me to go vj, haven't tested the take-bus-way, though it'd be around the same.
it takes 1 hour 15 min at least for me to go hc/nj/ac.
it takes around 1 hour to go rj.
it takes maybe around 1 hour to go to aj too.
it takes slightly more than 1 hour for tj.

how?

actually, i'd loved to go vj if not for the fact that it's SO FREAKING FAR. choir plays a part too, after today, maybe the funny principal with the quite unique laughter :\ and i was thinking about the part about "opportunities". rather scared that in hc or sth people are freaking smart and all and i'd end up being the most stupid one, in that sense. and of course, opportunities are always given to the better ones, no matter how hard you try to fight for them. maybe it's a bit of me feeling inferior to others, but what is a fact always remains as a fact no matter how you try to change it. haha.

oh well! ): i'm glad tomorrow's saturday and i'm feeling going to church! (: say hooooray! :D i think i've told everyone so many times about this that it's becoming very repetitive. but i'm really glad about it and hopes that i'd still be glad after that. okay, i've got lots of motivation to study now so i shall study!

-


happy birthday to you-know-yourself！:D ten years of knowing you! 8 years of classmate! (: look how OLD we are now. anyway, hope that we'll go to the same JC and continue being classmates HAHAHA and i can continue to call you everyday to talk crap :D happy sweet 16! <3




somethings you just feel like cuddling them. squishy, squashy, nice to hug.

what a life filled with coincidences.
it's enough already.

and for the laughters today, thank you. (: but i can't imagine if the brother part really comes true. HAHAHAHA.

okay, future seems so "forever"


人生，就是那么脆弱吧。

用一条生命，换回另一条生命，只不止的，不由得我们来说。不由得我们来说。像这样戏剧般的故事，我们也许想不到会发生在身边的人的身上。但是发生了就是发生了，就算怎么令人难以置信，当残酷的事实摆在眼前，你就得接受它。

人生的短暂即人生的不可思议，大概就是如此吧。

想想那时我们还在说她的宝宝会多么cute and chubby，说不定是双胞胎。还在猜测她不知道什么时候生，而她也站在台上说我们的emath考试，说着星期五的jc talks。还有，她弄我哭得那一次。还有，她让我能够去njc math challenge 的那一次。

may god bless her whole family.



this is my hongkong budddy! :D seems long ago now that i've post this picture, piglet<3
this was 50laps@cedar, haha, i think i haven't sent ely the pic. nevermind. difference: ran, and had not run. LOL.

these were the donuts bought that day! :D when my sausage actually flew off my fork and when i put the fork into my mouth i realised it's gone -.-





i think i have a funny mother. 'cause i kept telling her i'm bored and bored and have nothing to do, she gave me three options:
1. go and sleep
2. study
and i asked for a third one, and so she went 3. do your tys-es!
so i went like isn't studying and doing tys the same, and she went "studying need brain, doing tys no need brain". and i was like no both need brains, and she went "you said doing tys no need brain during your prelims" and i went like what the.
-speechless-

GRAH ! anyway, don't understand why i can't get down to studying.

scenario 1:
prelims results sucks big time, motivation! to use o's to get in whatever jc i wanna go.

scenario 2:
prelims results are okay/good, motivation! it's even more sad if you get in for first 3 months and gets kicked out after that.

so why isn't my brainnnn working?

anyway i dreamt about mr tay yesterday :\ he said our class has only one a1 for amath, yanyan of course. LOL. okay that was IN MY DREAM.

anyway, this post is so going to make qx scream! (:

we were in seoul garden, and that's the prawn zomgszsxs. cooked prawn waiting to be eaten! (:

an advert showing how comfortable carpet grass is on esplanade's rooftop! LOL.

what lies beyond the horizon, no one knows.

and yay i'm finally going church this saturday! mind's made up :D. YAYYYE. must go return so many worksheets to leonard. which i loaned for like 5 months :\ and im secretly looking forward to the physics mock exam on sat, the more killer it is, the better. WAHAHAHA. okay im starting to sound sadistic. LOL.

i shall go cut my hair later! like yay, finally!

and anyway i think i will get sorethroat by this sunday. it's just !@#$%^ annoying. can't sing to myself. haha. this is getting boring.

okay i've decided to do amath now! it's actually the subject i have most guilt towards. AHHH.


even the last hope of bubble burst, again. i wonder how much longer will this drag on. maybe, it's all god's will.
one day, things would be fine.



sometimes all that matters is luck, sometimes it's about choices too.

sometimes, nothing matters at all.

went with huiyi to ikea just now and i think by carrying those heavy glassware and woodware you can train your muscles >.< gosh, 自备购物袋！haha. and guess what, my paper bag BROKE. see how heavy those things are? but nevermind, at least they're done. done with 31 people :D just not into action yet, but nevermind, my house can turn into a garbage bin for all i care -.-

and seriously, i wanna try tasting my own blood. why do mosquitoes keep biting me? if i'd lived in hougang or something i'd proabably get dengue already. so thank god it's just mosquito bites!

i need to start studying soon, if nobody realised, we're only about 1 month away from our first paper. ironically, amath. and if nobody realised, after this friday, we only have 2 weeks and 4 school days to graduation.

to tell myself not to cry is a good thing, cos my vessels are getting all tangled up as tomorrow draws nearer.


玩够了，就要懂得收手，不然会让自己受到很大的伤害。
过了这一次，就不知道什么时候可也再见面。承诺，还是没有更好吧。
最重要的是，回忆。当然，又永恒不断的回忆会更好，但是真的，这样就足够了。

so, mug now! HAHA. (: i shall touch my books tomorrow, and then it'll be physics on wed and out on thurs and jc talks on friday! actually, there's quite little to look forward to nowadays. charis cut her hair! can't adapt to it without ponytail, haha! i want a new cam still! ):

went out with ym and eileen and qx after phy and ate seoul garden! yay, i love their presents (: i realised that we keep eating seoul garden whenever we go out to eat, LOL. eileen and i have this wonderful video of qx who was actually advertising for them! "love at first sight" with a PRAWN. LOL. we ate like around 40 prawns?! i think. (:

i hope that prelim's flop is going to be a good enough reason to keep me going for the rest of the hard months. including saying goodbye to 4m, and others in cedar. including saying goodbye to many others. (this is not an exhaustive list). this is what you truly call a roller coaster.

Gonna run while we're young,
and keep the faith<3


i think we're starting to get very sick and tired of all this. right?


HMMMMMM. 7 more minutes to end of your birthday darling! (: it's 1159PM. (:

made me wonder, some things in life, are they really coincidental, or there's more than meets the eye? take even knowing someone, the probability of you making a friend in singapore is like 1/4000000, maybe less than that, so "theoretically", we should be treasuring all our friends we've known, but we've never, always failing to treasure some of them.

somehow i always don't figure out why.

in any case, i think things always complicate themselves with more age and maturity. at least i see this logic right now, in two places.

watching the channel 8 show always makes me sad, and reflective of my own life. and even though i've watched it already, re-watching it makes me have different thoughts, about doctors, lives, happiness, sadness, volunteers, perhaps more about the central theme, love. because love encompasses the unmeasurable love the voluntary doctors can give to the patients. maybe it's not so much about time and money in this world after all. the nobility of these people, to be able to overcome their fear and many constrains while working under such bad conditions, and having to face death so often, or even watching children die due to bad medical facilities. all the things that wouldn't happen in developed countries like singapore. sometimes i ask why, isn't God fair? then why are these people suffering?

was talking to my uncle who is currently pursuing his masters now. he was telling me how many of his rich colleagues send their children overseas to study medicine after their o's. cause it's faster, and easier, such as at university of Melbourne. he was also telling me since i take up biology now, i should continue with it, and read medicine too, more money.

but i was thinking, the only reason why i would ever do that, is so that i can join international voluntary organisations and help provide medical help to those in need in remote places of the earth, places out of civilization. then i ask myself, actually, i don't think i'd be so noble to contribute my whole life to such works. because no matter what, in such a capitalistic society, it's hard to withdraw yourself from temptations and from leading a material life. you can, but it's difficult. to add on, 16 is a terribly young age to decide on such a future to take on.

life and death, is truly divided by a fine line. take the case of child birth.

thats why i'd say people who witnesses these, are truly admirable. you do need certain amount of courage and emotional strength. somehow i'm starting to belittle myself. while meeting with trivial matters, we'd often use words like "die already lah" "can go jump already", worse still, come teenagers have even resort to self mutilation, hurting their physical bodies, but do we even realise that some people living in other parts of the world cannot even control their own fate, or their own lives, because some are already sealed by their health conditions, for instance, incurable diseases? some people truly want to carry on living, but they can't. others, take their lives for granted in every possible way.

i bet that the career seminar next monday will be totally OF NO USE. but then again, i can't generalise until i've see it for myself. but i'm expecting it to be showcasing jobs and careers which will all be of help to contributing to the economic growth of our society.

what is humanity?



uncertainties.

i wonder who remembers, caught in the rain.


该结束的，已经结束了。

but what is going to start again, will renew itself eventually.

have been thinking about possibilities, to find myself immersed in an encouraging group of friends, thanks<3

back to the same word, maybe.

what lies beneath the surface isn't what it always seems to be on the outside.


拼了这么久， 如果这就是拮据，我真的有点不甘心。其实不只是一点，是好多点，心里有几千几万个不甘心。埋怨，只是让心里好过一点，不二法门的方法。因为除了这样，不管是玩得多么痛快，那也只是短暂，甚至是装出来的快乐。因为事过境迁了，不论做什么，大概也没有用吧。而我，似乎在这煎熬中忘了我的目标。最终，敌人还是自己。无法超越的，也是自己。也许有人会说到，这已经足够了，甚至认为别“太贪心”，但是这不算是贪心，这也只不过是想试试自己能得到的，到底有多少。人生很多的瑕疵，不是因为人的不完美，大多与因为人的不努力吧。但是努力了，又怎么样？有时候，努力只是空虚，虚拟的。难道这一切都已命中注定？

最终，结局会是怎么样？

还得等上一段日子才会知晓。一段得好好用来反省的日子。人生最大的错不在于犯错，而是在于犯同一样的错。重蹈负责，最不能原谅。更得想想，怎么原谅自己……


to prove your worth, what comes ahead in time.

let's hope hou4 lang4 tui1 qian2 lang4 and many things will get better.

somehow i think that amath tomorrow will be a killer, because today wasn't one. so they'll kill tomorrow, resulting in massive emotional damage. :\ LOL.

gosh! japan pm resigns. (yeah i like watching CNA nowadays) i think its so cool studying politics! but not being directly involved in it. because it's forever changing and everyday you'll have new "problems" and you can study them! challenging eh? HAHA. but it's kind of scary also, in someway. but ASEAN politics would be the most boring, i think.

and i'm going to sleep now! goodnight(: and happy belated birthday elyssa and happy birthday kelly ong! :D

i wasn't destined to see it, but it worked. thanks<3

and for believing.


i think i still have a flare for histories(y).
subject, and the past.
anyway, 3 more days to go! and math on every single day, why do i say math is love? (:

should just go straight to uni and do math ONLY. why doesn't singapore have a specialised math institution, LOL.

and i've decided that i will slack for just a few couple of days, probably around 3-4, and then start revising for o's.
can't wait to go back to church and the cell.
let "1<"s be an anomaly, haha, and may they come back to me sooner.

like a pendulum hanging on a thin thread, the most profound word, maybe.

actually, i don't really know what caused this change in me. you should have seen how heckcare i was for psle, still playing neopets everyday, not even memorising anything, but yet since i came to cedar, tada. is face and pride worth that much? and now, yeah, obsession may be the perfect word.

actually, it's a two edged sword.

and actually, can't care really much now. just gotta keep up with everything.

1 month left in cedar.


why am i having panics even before prelims officially resumes?

i'm just so freaking scared of everything. this morning sucks big time. enough for me to cry and flood my whole house.
right, what about being good at amath? all but shit. i took so long to figure out this rv question and because of that i can't finish the rest of the paper anymore and started taking out the rv worksheets and got half of the diagrams wrong.

nothing like chemistry must happen again.

i'm kind of serious about the jumping part. half half.

stupid ruiwen, wake up, stop trying to aim so high when you only hurt yourself when you fall, like always.

can't help but to think about what happened 2 yrs ago, my B for math.
which made me cry for 3 days.

'cause nothing must go wrong. and i think i need you, just last once. please?

no, i 'm not a person who takes everything, good or bad, into my stride.



tolerance is a virtue.

prove me wrong.

finally, we're going back to school to take the PRELIMINARY EXAMINATIONS.

which means no more being cooped up at home and facing the wall and ranting myself about the points and what nots about physics, biology, geography and social studies.

and i concluded that i must get myself damn stressed before i squeeze up those points from my memory.

let's give it the last run and jiayou people :D

because i'm so used to these hot and cold effects.


reinforce the power.
-
was ranting to my cousin that i'm like studying the same things everyday and it's getting so boring. so he told me, good what, reinforcement.
shouldn't be jealous about people going out to have fun/ going out to study because my home is the best! :D
one day i'll know it's all worth it, then again, maybe not.

anyway, kind of realised that school will end in about one month's time. less than that. so, the cedar journey finally comes to an end. what's next?
which also means chi tuition will come to an end. think i'll surely miss speaking/writing endless chinese words and them.
was thinking about a list of things i will do in the hols after o's:

revamp my wardrobe.
go hk and shanghai probably.
badminton! pool! bowling! cycling!
church camp?
take up voice lessons for 1 month
intensive piano lessons, i wear i'll get my distinction this time
hang out and eat everyday
ask cherissa how to join vj choir for carols and pull people along if i'm a cut for it :D
catch up with alot of people.
find ways to make my mum get me a laptop. the most direct being showing her 9a1s for o's. -.- which is imba and impossible. so that's the point of finding multiple WAYS to do it.

and earning money will be the last thing on my list. anyway, even if i were to go out to work, i won't spend a single cent of it. so work for what :\ HAHAHA.

okay, back to emath and my lunchhhh.

seriously, i don't think i will take bio in jc now thanks to what my cousin said -.- for huiyi's information, 80% of them gets U/S for block tests, which means 44 and below. around there. o.O


somehow i think that studying for prelims is more tong ku than studying for o's.
so if you survive prelims, you'll survive o's :D




i've came to a conclusion, if you don't fight for the things you want, who will?
obviously it's obvious to infer what i'm referring to.

cos at the end of the day, you've nobody to blame, except for yourself.

so.

7078909075808085?

im waking up later as the days goes by -.- sheesh. i woke up at 8.30 on mon, 9 ytd and 9.30 todayyyy. DAMN. this is bad ): and it's ALREADY wednesday. and we still got thurs fri sat and sun. and 1 week later we're free, physically, not emotionally. because results will be out, somehow.


thank god i've still got you (:


life keeps getting in the way
whenever we try
once in a lifetime
means there’s no second chance

so use these voices and scream out loud,

"nothing, nothing at all. "