girl next door is it so hard to find someone who loves me for me?

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Thursday, July 31, 2008

the point is that i don't even wish to care... anymore.

because everything's so tiring and i just wish to let loose.

但是我舍不得, 也放不开

也就只能这样


hurray to whatever decisions made this morning, the only reason i came to school. :D things will just keep getting better!

只有当你失去自己，你才能真正地找回自己

there's so much going on and sometimes i just wish that i will MIA from the world for just 24hours.

and yay chai treated me icecream today muahahaha! i kinda exploited her. LOL. but nevermind chai since your bday is coming soon you ought to do some good deeds! LALALA. (CHAILALA)

pw drives you crazy. i wonder how am i going to finish chapter 1, a succinct and good one by tomorrow. and TGIF! :D painting painting! i think i'm getting weirder, having sudden cravings everyday. today i ate popcorn chicken. was wanting to get cheesefries then i saw popcorn chicken on the menu and its cheaper than cheesefries ($3.10 lah omg) so i decided to be carnivorous and eat meat :\ and bleah the air is super smelly because people are burning all the things. hmm.

it's funny how people can declare their love about something and then turn their backs against it the next moment, including me. but then right now there really seems to be no more excuses and all.

(okay i momentarily got shocked because i realised i forgot my hotmail password)

i'm getting sad listening to kit chan's HOME in chinese. sometimes hope isn't really what you think it is, and reality to you may not be reality. so what's left?


can't pretend i'm alright when i'm not. it's just like this same old thing haunting me. yeah i know i cannot always look back at the past, cannot keep dwelling over the same things over and again, but i think nothing's quite bad like making the same mistakes twice. then even so we have to accept that none of us lead a perfect life (if anyone thinks his or her life is perfect the person's probably highly self dillusional) and that mistakes are good, the same old cliched thing about how you learn from them, how to not be sore over them because what's done cannot be undone, but then again i think everyone deserves the right to feel sad, even if and especially if you have always been getting things in the right way and sometimes forget how to cope with so-called failures in life. but hey, different individuals have their own way of measuring the severity of a situation. for me this is bad enough. and yeah i have no other easier way to release this sadness, or rather anger in me because it was supposed to be easy, other than just letting those tears shed without control and adding in a few swear words in my speech because altogether it's the emotions i have been suppressing for so long because everything's been so tough, not only my emotions but also every single thing which piles up, expectations being the scariest of them all.

which is why i loved the days in austria so much. because there's no school, no physics chemistry mathematics and economics and gp lessons to fall asleep in, no homework, no worries, lots of icecream, free from all kinds of responsibilities which you could possibly think of in the world. i don't know. sometimes i feel like i'm too focused in school related stuff that i hadn't been exactly supportive to alot of people in lots of ways.

in short, jc kills everyone and drains everyone and eats everyone up i cannot wait for everything to be over but then working isn't exactly the best escape. i wonder whats life like for the adults, doing the same mundane thing everyday and i think most of them don't even have a purpose in life they're just living each day as it comes which kinda seems really sucky, even the thought of it and thank God it's only two years. and then i will go uni and become roommates with huiyi and she will clean up my room everyday and do laundry for me. HAHAHA.

then again, i cannot bear to see something which have been so nicely crafted being thrown away into the drain and restarting everything. i don't know. see how's things like tomorrow. but it sucks, big time. but there isn't anything, i don't know. sometimes you really shouldn't trust people, even people who spoke with all their might about how they can contribute, how good they are, 'nuff said.


i'm happy today because i bought a new fac shirt (the dolphin one! :D) HAHAHA. okay, seems like a lame enough reason to feel happy. and because jiamin gave me a 6litre tub of icecream to bring home for free. and because i ate B&Js strawberry icecream! :D

i hate gp now. HAHA. it's like, a sad thing to be talking about abortion. gy said we're all to objective which is right to a very big extent i mean hello why should we be there discussing about whether the scenario should or should not call for an abortion when in the first case no abortion is every justified? and if it happens the dang shi ze probably will be so emotionally disturbed that every viewpoint becomes subjective. I DON'T KNOW.

i just want national day to come. although the idea of the j1choir in polo tee and jeans singing in the hall doesnt sound so appealing. national days in cedar was ALWAYS very fun! ): and i am so looking forward to rhd next year in hwachong i swear i'm going to wear my cheongsam HAHAHAHAHHAA. that is if im not yet fat.

7 more weeks.

and my throat hurts like shit now thanks to the spicy korean cup noodles from welfare room. WAHAHHAA, maybe i should have just listened to yaohui's theory of how much msg is there in a cup of cup noodles. BLEAH.


hahaha was sharing my new found life motto which is to get straight As without mugging alot and having alot of fun. LOL.

anyway, handover for choir comm today, really happy for everyone! :D and yingting is mad to want to have a ds lite which is RED somemore i don't understand pink is the way man. :D

and crazy taxi is still very fun just that you don't get the excitement of playing it with driving wheels but i got combo 11 the other day HEH :D

I WANNA WATCH RED CLIFF LAH! ):


i'm having fear of opening emails now HAHAHA >.< best bud says i'm emo on one day and happy on the other and now i'm emo again zzz.

anyway i found my earphones together with my hp's adaptor so yay. :D

/edit

some time back i thought i would have changed a fair bit but no it seems that my everlonging desire to make whatever things i plan or do or execute perfect is still there :O

which may be a good and bad thing afterall


i was so pissed because i wasted 4 hours of my life travelling to and fro school and it didn't help at all. then it didn't help that i unluckily got onto the 156 musicbus and at the cjc busstop so many people boarded the bus, noisy people i mean, and yeah you get the drift i couldn't even take a nap. but nevermind i'm happily drinking milk tea now and attempting to start studying physics now hahahahaha wait long long.

oh yeah saw collin and gf at cathay yesterday. super hilarious. then on msn he was like you do look alot better without specs so im like okay is that a compliment or insult -.- LOL. and irene's COOL specs totally inspired me to change my specs LOL >.<>.< not like i have the time to go shopping tho but still ): i figured out i will have enough clothes to last me till new year next year and ah vietnam at the end of the year instead of cambodia i think THATS DAMN SAD.

and gg my mum started watching this damn cool hk drama again!

WHATS WRONG WITH ME HAHAHAHA.

/edit
i think i'm going to be crippled soon lah my left foot's sole is hurting like mad whenever i walk and this is bad 'cause i feel strain in the bone LOL gg. i was thinking if there's any way i can escape mon's test since i don't mind if my promos are of higher percentage but looking at my CA which is a borderline A (because i skipped one test with a valid reason SOMEHOW) it's almost impossible to pull the overall to an A unless i become yongquan LOL. which means my only hopes left for promos are math chem and econs but my mum was like " are you sure you have time for h3 next year" today which left me to ponder. i think blocks turned everyone into a mugger for promos except for me because my plans to do a lil badly for blocks backfired -.-

okay haha i just spent the whole afternoon watching the show and i'm still reading physics (not even touched tys and tutorials ) bleah i shall finish math tutorials by tonight and i mean it !!!!! i think my desktop background's pretty! :D it's of some statue in the garden in the city of graz LALALALALA.


anyway, walked passed yamaha just now at ps and i was just staring at those mini grands. i don't know... it's just a nostalgic feeling i guess. yeah, so many piano teachers have told me before that i have the talent and the brains but it's just my laziness if not i could be a rather great pianist. perhaps the last moment of gan dong was when i saw jaychou and that girl playing in secrets which was rather imba (other than his unclassy fingerings) but no the passion was never rekindled. do you actually think i don't wish i could play beautiful tunes with enormous dynamics on a mini grand one day? no. i do. but maybe it's time to move on and quit the game. because without passion, talent ain't nothing. then again, it's ridiculous to quit at grade8. after spending so much time and money. grah. this is highly annoying.


watched dark night today HAHAHAHA i insist it's a scary movie i screamed like quite alot and even eileen's scared! and elson is so pro he can fall asleep in the middle of the movie I WONDER. okay so i think the rest of the class is playing pool while i had to go home for dinner. hahaha. i think the movie's cool in general, exploring humanity and alot of other themes.

anyway my book is highly in danger when irene went "i feel like tearing that page out of your book" like o.O HAHAHAHA but i swear cecelia ahern's one of the best writers around.

and i feel horribly threatened HAHAHAHA was at marie's classbench and then someone asked eli who am i and then the someone went oh she is ruiwen WTH HAHAHAHA please lah i can totally faint man -.- !

i think a great part of our lives now is that we just gotta keep picking ourselves up no matter what happens and no matter how busy we are because life is about falling down and learning how to get back up on your own feet perhaps sometimes with a bit of help. what we can do it just so limited, but by God's strength and by faith yeah i trust that things are gonna get better.

anyway heh fc went to crash athena's event and koped food and icecream from apollo too weileong was eating one tub by himself -.-

the reading room is going to be my favouritest place in school from now i guess HAHAHA i have less than 8 weeks to mug finish everything for promos, type notes, do wr, work, and what else have i got. and yay bought a new laptop sleeve today i don't have to carry that horribly heavy HP leather bag anymore. and i still cannot find my earphones so i'm still using my sucky apple earphones ARGHHHHHHHHHHH.

hello organic chem you suck.


i detest melodramatic happenings.

anyway, half day tomorrow is like no half day at all but heck. i was so tired i came home and slept until 9+pm LOL in the end i'm not even doing anything now but i like my status busy HAHA. such a scam.

no and then i realised being busy is just an excuse for a thousand million things in the world. if someone or something really meant a thing, then ... i don't know. sometimes i get this weird feeling that i shouldn't even be giving help to others when i cannot even cope academically now, no it's not your kind of low self esteem (haha my ego is forever high) but it's just this helplessness, that no matter how hard it takes i have to freaking do :

math tutorial 9c 10a 10b
econs tutorial
chem tutorial for reaction kinetics and chemical equilibrium (both untouched)
phy tutorials since ages ago
understand sequence
understand the whole intro to organic chem notes if not i cannot go on with the upcoming lectures
understand oligopoly and monopolistic competition
prepare for a freaking 7% physics test in 2 days (like damn i never tried last minute studying before)

which brings me to realise what shoes others are in now. if it wasn't easy at all for me to catch up with 10days worth of schoolwork, i think i've been selfish not to give even more support (morally and emotionally) to close friends around me even though i genuinely care. 8 weeks is short, it is.

tonight's a long night ahead, just like every other. but there are just too many slip roads i don't know which to follow.


maybe it's true that it's high time i start worrying for myself. HAHA. ah well! yingting's trying to do differential equations and here i am stoning in front of the comp thinking of which step to take next. we just gotta hang in there and make things better, let us be proud of us! we can do it!!


like what jiamin said, i felt quite out of place in school today. told best bud about how nice it was being over in graz, with your mind being only focused on the golds, but coming back feels so terrible because of the mess i've left behind in terms of pw, homework, fc. but it feels particularly nice to go around hugging people who goes "omg ni hui lai le ah" or "eh u come back already congrats" and much love to squishy hugs! :D except for nice classmates who went "go home lah" when i didn't bring the chocs today HAHAHA. jkjk.

i don't know. can't seem to be happy about anything else other than our golds. hearing people congratulate us, like finally, choir's getting recognition. but that's besides the point that yes, we've really worked so hard for everything, all the tears, scoldings, laughters, fun, camwhoring, screaming, waiting for the results, champions, hearing our national anthem being played, people saluting to our flag at olympics, it's bloody worth it. <3 but other than that, i feel quite "gg-fied" to put in hwachong terms. there's so much to catch up with and so many problems need to be troubleshooted and expectations to keep up with. with promos coming in 8 weeks, it doesn't help that i will at least be still lost in lectures for the remaining 1 week or so. hmmmm.

yay distribute presents tmr! :D


hahaha i'm back! :D graz and vienna are beautiful places and i can't sum everything up in words but yeah i love hc choir alot alot. after all that we've been through, we've came this far, and here we are, standing tall with our heads up high, with our pretty gold medals (although super AA haha) and yup, we're choristers, we sing. not to mention that yeah i totally agree that travelling is the best way you can understand yourself and people around you, grow, and learn and smile to the world with your music, the music we make. hahaha but travelling makes you miss singapore and wonderful people too (omg i just realised 1 sms is 72cents for singtel subscriber on the 5th day) yay shopping was abit fruitful too and hello chocolates!

this is not the way to go on, but i don't know how else to.


btw HAHAHA do not call me i need to pay like 5bucks the moment i answer any call! :D u can sms me (its 5cents same as normal sms) for any updates esp irenechu HAHAHA my gp marks and all the other marks! >.< LOL. irene will miss me (hahaha stupid chai thought that we left last night -.-) i will reply if i like whoever you are (because it's 50cents per sms) :D

for now, i'm going to suffer the disastrous consequences of having an oversized polo choir tee ):

/edit

to sing well and to sing our hearts out <3 it's the world choir games, and we're flying tonight. i'm having mixed feelings now. as i was telling jiamin, everything's got two sides. i've always wondered where i'd be if i didn't choose to join choir, but i'm glad to say my heart has no regrets now no matter what happens over there. afterall, we've put in so much hardwork no one can understand what does it mean by 台上三分钟，台下十年功 better than us. i'm thankful for the sop2s, really<3

and by the time you see this, charmaine ng jingwen! :D happy early birthday! :D thanks for being there since always! :D yay i'm the first crazy person to wish you. LOL.

it's a sad thing that this time round, your voice won't be the last one i'd hear before i board the plane.


it's so near. 12 hours away from check-in and LOL till then. :D

mass convo with yingting and gloria was ultimate funny in the end i didn't even pack most of the stuffs yesterday. HAHAHA.

and i'm so irritated by my phone it's like spoiling after the huge drop from one step down the next in some random LT that day.

deciding if i should go for adriel's birthday party :\ in anycase, happy belated bithday coussie! :D

i figured out breaks will be beneficial in alot of aspects.


last post before i leave tomorrow i guess! anyway we're going via EK344 and coming back by EK348, emirates! :D (hint hint! HAHAHA)

it feels scary leaving everything down but ah well i wanna believe that we will we will get our hearts' desire, and not let ourselves and ms lim down ultimately. what it means being true to yourself. our voices, the sound.

i got reminded that i have alot of souvenirs to buy and a thousand photos to take! :D


it seems as though there're very little things left that can make me feel happier. which is bad. 'cause the world is supposed to be a happy place HAHAHAHA anyway concluded that i'm gonna freeze in austria but i'm going to bring honey there to spread the love HAHA and i have a thousand and one million things to do but i just don't feel like doing anything.

lalalalalalalalalalalala.

i've decided to bring my pink bag there ! and lots of notes! i got super motivated to do well by some smart pig's AAABB! :\

oh today's phototaking was super funny. kaijian was so da pai everyone was waiting for him HHAHAA our individual pics are soooo spastic and right my eyes cannot be seen! -.- mingyang had to tiptoe like LOLLLLL and huijuan's zipai skills paid off at last. HAHAHHA. to think i woke up so early!


i feel very sad and this had to happen anyway i don't know. life goes on. if you really know me you'd know that this shit piece of news is worse than a bomb igniting in my internal systems and blowing my organs up but i only have myself to blame. i hope this isn't too late. there's still time to fight back what's lost and redefine what i think i deserve. twin tells me to chill, but i scared, after seeing for myself how people change, how people give up on themselves and how hard they try to pick themselves up but never succeed so far. have to admit i've been living in my own world for so long it's time to face the cruelty of reality. it's a good thing that i'm leaving at this time it definitely gives me good time to be away and reorganise my life in many perspectives, away from the immensely screwed up education system locally, away from loved ones, away from mum and dad, into the musically rooted culture in graz and vienna, hopefully into warm-loving arms of people there, see how they live and communicate over there, and decide if flying all over the world is really something i want in the future. and also, get what riohc deserves (xD).

but for now, i can't get over it. i need time, alot of time. but if time doesn't heal i don't know what else would.


the way our eyes meet and lock
4 more days! :\



it's time to learn.

it's quite sad if you're actually not as capable as you think you are, not handling stress as well as you should be, and not doing things the way they should be done. >.< it sucks even more when people around you start realising that you're not "normal". HAHAHA. i promise to be a better person and stop being messy.

fell asleep reading chem just now, thanks to yongquan's wonderful copy of notes for chem clock i kinda understand it now. except for the fact that i'm still reluctant to think. hopefully things will work out!

i shall look forward to having dance pracs (haha this is so random) for open house LOL ! :D

and look forward to taking many nice pics of graz and vienna and camwhoring sessions and crashing-yingting-and-gloria's-room every night too!

am happy that they had fun at jamie's bday celebration yesterday and 1$(*!_#!(* i couldn't be there HAHA applaud me for being in sch from 8-7+pm on a youth day!

and happy birthday liukun! :D HAHA. even though i'm shocked that she isn't shocked that i wished her at 12AM sharp!

i super tired mentally and physically.

and did i mention that we're transiting at dubai and colombo (wth) but nevermind shopping (if i have the money to) did i mention one meal costs around S$20 and that is worth alot of xiaolongbaos and i wanna eat xiaolongbaos suddenly! >.<

facmeeting was super funny yesterday when weileong started speaking alot of chinese and renice gave the totally stunned face 'cause she couldn't record anything down 'cause she doesn't understand HEHHHHHH. >.< but i swear it's ultra laughable.

you know how much i wish that something will just knock me over and i can faint for 12hours and sleep or something. LOL.



it struck me that actually each of us living in this world, inevitably, have our own sorrows and troubles.

which seems to justify why we always need a company of friends whom listen to you and provide for your emotional structural support.


if i say i'm not at all scared, then i'm lying to myself which happens to be the worst thing one can ever do to oneself. there's just too much uncertainty going graz, schedule's impromptu, everything is. but i guess it'll be a super great experience. then again, i'm scared that i'll fall into unfamiliarity once i come back.

have been thinking quite alot since yesterday but it's getting me nowhere.

grah!


sometimes a bit of loosening up is good, then you tell yourself it's perfectly okay to let go and cry.

anyway, had a surprise bday celebration (okay i knew it but i honestly believed that renice had to settle admin stuff shit why am i so stupid) HEHEHEHE thank you fc!<3>.< then had macs breakfast with everyone else and left at 1030 to get changed for choir exchange.

must say we sucked but afternoon's prac was good like anything. :D yay! basses sounded damn good at pamugun omggg! shocked us upside down.

then went to church 'cause surprisingly ended early and threesome! me yingting and gloria took 151 together for the first time HAHAHA and crapped like crazy! yaohui pangseh-ed me and there's super few people there today bleah.

okay leonard just told me something which is making me feel quite sad now.

/edit

i just don't feel like doing anything, for once, just dao everything for a week and go to austria and forget all the trouble. thing is, i think the world might just take for a change when i come back then i find myself stuck in an unfamiliar place. just when things are getting better this had to happen. i don't know. grahhh just kill me.


tonight was one of those crazy nights you decide to take a stroll in the park and climb stairs and just sit on the benches to eat and talk and go to fitness stations to try to do pullups (i did one HAHA) and climb monkey bar in school skirts. but it was very fun! :D

yay fc breakfast tomorrow HEH! :D then choir prac. and sun's tuition, baking, og outing!!

/edit

okay i just realised the "chemical clock" challenge is no fun at all it's damn difficult just look at the amount of material you have to read up on. URGHHHH! and econs isn't getting any easier i wish i can just leave on a jetplane now (HAHAHA WTH!)


i was in a very bad mood today. i don't like the thing about expectations, especially not meeting them. but happy for bestbud for doing so well for midyears! :D

/edit

trying so hard to do EOM now and i'm even missing my favourite show for it. okay, i should like watch tv now instead. HAHAHA. i think msn hates me it only allowed me to receive a file after some 4-5 tries but yay now i got help for eom NYEHNYEHNIPOOPOO! >.<


i couldn't stop rolling my eyes 'cause life really SUCKS to the max max max now.

anyway, sabbats rock HAHAHAHA i must say it's the best sabbats ever! :D (okay not like i've been to more than 1 sabbats) but OMG DANCESPORT IS THE LOVE! we've learnt 4.5 routines which includes cha-cha (me and yingting's ALL TIME FAVOURITE ESP NEWYORKNEWYORK OMGGG I FEEL DAMN SHIOK DANCING IT), roll&rock, rumba, waltz, samba! :D HAHAHAHA. oh the instructors are damn hot HAHAHA but the point is that never lean on one hip too much if not one hip will be bigger than the other! :\ but i really enjoyed the sabbats and we had to leave for choir early today.

oh yeah, anyway we had sop2s breakfast today @ macs and guess who i saw! HAHAHA. charistoh! :D i've got a new way of spotting charis in school now. HAHAHA. it's so much more effective! >.<

i'm thinking if i should quit piano. it's like, i find it PURE torture having lessons once a week, u know i rather dance 5 hours of cha-cha than spend 10min on the piano. it's not like i don't love playing it, it's just i don't like playing it for the wrong reasons. the other day jacq was playing piano while we're having break and it's just so refreshing i doubt i'll ever play like that. so what's the point of continuing? i'd just waste more money and make myself more miserable -.- anyway, HAHAHA, i swear i'm going to take up ballroom dancing when i'm older and richer! it's even more fun than fac dance lah LOL jkjk. i seriously suspect i got hidden talent (hahaha wth)!

i have a thousand million things to do and i just got NO MOOD even though it isn't a fantastic excuse.

you know you don't really earn respect in THIS way, venting everything out on else, pushing all the blame. it's just so contradictory. i can't stand people who insists perfection unto others.

i don't even know why i'm trying so hard sometimes. was sharing with yingting that i suddenly have such naive thoughts, but if trying so hard fails, i don't know what else is to life anymore. on the stage, you're ultimately standing alone, anyway. i'm having so much doubts about everything, about myself, my capabilities and i know i shouldn't, at this time. i suddenly felt so sad today i felt like crying 4 times in total but i didn't. i wished that night had never ended, then we'd have talked about our whole lives, every single bit of it, and for that moment i know.


anyway, to

japheth(HAHAHA best bud<3> Anabella char liukun Jamie px charis (and char for the ultimate long letter!) huiyi (for everything!) singyee (who refused to sing me a bday song because she wants to protect my eardrums!) jiani steffi(omg damn expected i love my choir buddy!) Valerie Sufen eldwin lennis tag jiayi jonquek jhunboon The whole fac comm(<33333<3333<3333)> Sophia shengkun derrick leonard yaohui(for wanting to wish me at 1159 but failed 'cause he went to toilet wth HAHAHA) ernie sheena jonsoh and the other day’s celebrations @ church xingyi Irene (who shocked me by buying L size HAHAHA!) chai clement fong jack kaiming and 6B Reshma yingting(for asking me "omg HAHAHA TODAY IS NOT 30TH JUNE) Gloria andris joelynn shien and the choir for the in-tune birthday song!

MY RUIWEN AND THE BOOK OF HOW DID THE PIG DIE (IN CHINESE!)

okay i can understand people must be desperately finding their names now! :D

char asked me why didn't i have a party like last year, HAHAHA, honestly, i wanted to have a chalet since its just nice after BTs but i figured it would be damn difficult to zhao dai so many people at one go and it sucks 'cause people will feel left out. HAHAHAHA!

the waters are so, deep.

these are the days when i recall this book i've read when i was younger, p.s. wish you were here. to everything that wasn't in the first place,
ANYWAY! i'm going to be gg-fied soon, soon, soon. HAHAHA.

oh yeah wu ge ren was damn funny! HAAHAHA.