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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

i'm in trouble lol. i wanted to wake up early to do GP! then i overslept and continue sleeping even after replying weihan's sms and now i'm stoning with my yingting's book! would have been 100times better off going for fac dance IM SORRY EILEEN >.< i aspire to finish the book by today HAHAHA.



nice picture at some super long wooden staircase! i remembered we were saying what if it collapses since it's made of wood and there are so many of us up there! SPOT ME :D


So this is how one whooping year comes to an end.


I don't feel pretty much excited for a new year ahead, but I don't feel sadness as this year draws to a closure (of some sort). Firstly because it sucks alot to see the dates in next year being filled up slowly, even before the year starts. But I'm fine with it, just that you'll feel a bit sian at times because there's this constant reminder in your head that "yeah, no matter what happens next year, no matter how shit you feel, no matter how stressful it's gonna be, they are all consequences of something, some decision this year, some actions you've done". So no matter what you just have to brave through it all, and hopefully become a better person after everything!

In fact the year has been pretty decent. It has been more on the self-realisation side, as well as learning to adapt, to cope with situations, to deal with things you may not very much like in the first place... tolerance, confidence, perseverance and self ego to keep. HC did serve as an eye-opener to me (I shall not elaborate more on this, those closer to me will know) in many aspects: people, culture, human relationships, passions... But one thing I'm thankful for is the class and fac comm. The class provided me with much joy and at least I do enjoy classes and outings and even monopoly with the class and people and fac comm, even though it's supposed to be a working committee, it's just a special relationship with each and every special one and cambodia was <3! And austria graz with the choir where we got world champions. And I would say cambodia served as a good turning point, it changed me in ways I don't know how to describe in words.

And people, people who are always there for me. (Even if I still think that the matter of being there or not... it's a choice. Like someone can be there for me, but I can choose to turn to another person.) For all the love, advices, or just simply letting me know I have someone to hang onto even if I fall one day, and tolerating me when I cry nonstop... can't help it sometimes :\ Though sometimes I'd ask myself if it is really good to be so dependent on others, what if one day your pillar is gone and you totally GG, and I really don't know.

And there's this whole new discovery about yourself. And figuring out what I really need and what I kind of don't need. But the thing is there's no point thinking so much since everything will change. (EVEN THOUGH I KEEP SAYING 20 YEARS LATER I WILL STILL TALK TO HUIYI)

So goodbye 2008 and hello 2009. (REMINDS ME OF DRAMAFESTE!) thank God for this rollercoaster year.

-

Today I received two very funny christmas presents, a fake frog and eyeshadow (GRAH I DIDN'T GET THE NAIL POLISH). :D HAHA. Choir was good I guess, the last practise of the year... yeah the HIGH society! Can't blame me that my voice is naturally high pitch yeah. PRIKITIKI! And jianle with sakpase -.-

Then it was more fac dance and what not and destroying weihan's iphone HAHAHA :D


HAHAHAHA today was fac dance and doing homework! LOL bonding sessions that no others will have :\ hah!

LOW!


会习惯的


one day i'll be back to normal. haha, about overcoming yourself, yeah it's tough. but we all gotta try, somehow, someday...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdIqoN9xiVM helps you to emo big time. HAH!


oh i love watching 赤子之心 it makes me think alot even though i missed 5 episodes in cambodia and i've just finished 甜言蜜语 which is equally good!

i hate seeing cityscrapers and tall buildings. a random thought of me banging into the orphanage's small gate because i refuse to take wl's bike and took my own spoilt bike in the end struck me while i was on the way to my grandma's house. and the stupid thing is i crashed more than once with different bikes :O damnit i miss weihan I WANT YOU TO COME BACK SOON :( this is what you call a new low.
对我而言，与其说自从回来我觉得自己变了，不如说我从一开始就没有真正了解过自己。
只能往前看，看看自己的生命，看看过去没看到的小细节。
而用心灵听，可能会听到不同的声音。

yeah i need to recuperate and recharge!!!! i can't wait for lianseng to upload another album hahaha sabu+kj's was quite funny XD


the more i listen to the new draft of fac dance 09 the more i like it!! :D

never knew fong can make good pasta HAHAHAHA i guess yesterday was good we played this electronic banking monopoly with zijie's sister and elson is a big loser! kidding. and the fighting over soccer or little nonya :\ ahhhhhh see the bad about living in another corner of singapore.



anyway yesterday on my way home i promised myself that i won't do anything to let myself regret next year. (highly inspired by the seniors when they were talking about regrets in their j2 year). haha. regrets give a horrible feeling.

yay so i should start being productive.


yesterday night was super funny ! fc ftw:D

(a picture says a thousand words, and i say two thousand now!)



speechless. haha!



i don't like seeing dates in my 2009 organiser being filled up. but sometimes it provides an escape too, from whatever i try to run away from. sometimes you spend your whole life running, until one day when you lose it all.

yay i'm gonna read on the long train ride later!


it's 8 minutes into christmas. and i think it's a season to remember God's love. but it's also a season to be nice to people and do nice things and say I LOVE YOUUUU (because gloriatan just said that to me) hahaha random.

christmas eve was pure stoning at home and i decided to be nice to go shopping with some super nice friend who wasted christmas eve with me hahaha -.- but yay got soph's present which i regret buying now LOL 'cause it's just damn ridiculous anyway i'm so happy that i'm sick of shopping which means i wouldn't spend money unnecessarily anymore!! :D there was this super funnylooking salesman in num with suspenders lah.

today was haha resh yingting me david went to watch the alumni carol @ the fullerton and then went to have lunch with the seniors. and then walked around HAHAHAHA i manage to infect everyone with my going-to-fall-asleep mood! :O then as loyal fans of vj choir haha we went to watch them at raffles hotel which was simply annoying 'cause they didn't let us in but YAY i saw cherissa buddy novabelle wanping and nicole!!! :D but they sound damn good. and they're enormous. and raffles hotel is damn nice. HAHAHA. until we went into Guess later on and saw this super nice pair of heels which is $306 WOOHOO i have fabulous taste hehehe. >.< you'd rather get one pair of WOAHHHHH heels than 10 pairs of okay-looking ones :\ so here i am stoning in front of the comp writing more cards!



HAHAHAHA<3 to cedar choir :D what i would have been if i went vj. LOL. oh well.



under a gigantic christmas tree!



the ones yitty is going to have!



:D:D sexayee!


yay party tmr @ zijie's house my fishballs are gg-ed.





i was thinking about ironies. like sometimes, you find yourself doing things that you're supposed to be best at in the worst ever possible way (yeah inspired by gohweileong) I SHALL READ THE ALCHEMIST SOON. it's like attracting me before i read it. HAH. i hate thinking so much but i can't help it. so i thought alot since 12 struck until before i slept last night. and concluded i don't like and don't take risks. as the word suggests, it's too risky. with christmas means that this year is drawing to a closure soon, and i don't like that feeling either. but i think the worse feeling of all times is to see everything you knew in your childhood disappear into thin air, without a trace... or a body.


[33rd <3 TAHAN!] JayChou rocks(: says:
love ruiwen more!



YAY <3
it's one more day to christmas and HAHAHA i'm er proud to say i will be spending christmas all alone stoning at home with my family but it's okay. i almost choked on DOXYCYCLINE just now. and then almost died when i tried stuffing 10 honeystars into my mouth to relieve the choke. i hate pills big time.

i can't remember how Christmases used to be like in the past.

maybe because i can't afford to lose. or rather, i must win. maybe, maybe. i'm glad this came later, not like in sec1 or something. i hate this part of me, i hate believing then someday this believe gotta break. i hate trusting when one day you realise there's no trust in this world anymore. i hate hoping because hope is sometimes what you yourself made up. maybe i'm too afraid to take a chance. which is why i love ziplock bags.

and slowly, i'm losing more of my words.

i woke up today reminiscing about the beautiful crimson skyline we see at unacas and we were all cycling along the sandy path with breezes passing us by and i hate to be back.


i'm so happy today because i bought a new book (again) and i'm reading three books together now.

weihan says it all when she said the aftermath of cambodia was to stone around in house.

i'm utterly shocked at how much money the world has after meeting kj to pass him cds just now. !0983@(#@)$*@#()!@!_ if i had that much money to work with.... HAHAHA. then weihan's mum's recommended place would be a dream come true yeah.

i cooked pasta for myself today and messed up my kitchen but that's not the point. the point is that i had a nice lunch!

see, the world is so superficial, people assume, and then most of the time things ain't like what you see on the surface. harhar.


I've got reminded of the greatest love of all times, God's love for us.

You know, this ocip other than being just a fun-filled ocip with lots of fun, laughter, peace and joy, it had also struck me as to how much these kids love Jesus, telling me God bless you every night, teaching me songs of worship, and even the teams that came in... the guy who prayed for me and weihan, thanking God for bringing us there and bringing him there as well, and that there's all a purpose. Then meeting missionary groups that come in to aid the people, seeing how their years of prayers and faith have finally brought them a good well-working water filter. Their eyes brimmed with tears thanking us and thanking God. And trekking through the orphanage compound in the darkness, hearing tunes you recognise, and then I get touched by what missionaries have to do. And even if their conditions ain't good compared to us, they have so much believe in Him, that the good lord's love with cover all other love that they didn't have. But we were visiting the museum and I felt like shouting "f lah" I mean 3 million people died 'cause of a genocide!??!?! I asked myself, if God so loved the world why did this even happen? But in this everything must have a purpose I guess... And there were so many times I just felt simply touched by these acts I feel like crying. But I guess I will never cry as much as I did on one night... Reality rules. How cruel this world may be (or rather should I say actually is). Even if I'd love to trust as much as I used to do, I know deep down that I'll never be able to do that again. I'm such a wilful, stubborn person...

Was having a good chat with best bud yesterday. I swear I wasn't emoing. It has become my standard mood nowadays. Then best bud asked me if I trust him, and I gave "ya duh what kind of question is that -.-" without hesitation, so maybe I do know there are always, always such lovelies in my life that will never be gone. And more importantly because God's love shields us from all.
-

I won't ask for more, 'cause there's never enough. And deep down I know.

So for now I shall stop thinking and start to do what I need to do!! haha.


choir today was pretty good i got a shock of my life when i got reminded of the SAK PASE part. i think i'm starting to like mambo, it's jazzy lines and rhythmic feel even though my rhythm still sucks. >.<

i have 27 more malaria pills to go and i can't stand it.

i miss the good food in cambodia now i hate singapore's rice. i miss the sunsets and the kids, the freedom and the carefreeness, the shopping and the singings, the sightseeings and the sleeping and the television channels and the beds and mattresses and mosquito nets.

oh yay i think i'm gonna go for the class thingy at zijie's house! and hopefully contribute something if not i feel damn shi bai sia.

whoopie i shall be motivated by gohweileong and start mugging soon.

/edit

someone tell me if i should take SATS!

oh anyway hahaha i've decided not to write xmas cards anymore (so gonna get killed) but i'm just too lazy. pretty much stoned the whole of today. christmas will be more stoning at home + some special performance at church on sat and then soon the year will end and watchnight service!

upon reflection i think i should be fully aware that i'm a very difficult and weird person so i'd try my best to change for the better next year. tada.

/edit edit

when they say count your blesses. i'm so blessed to have such a best friend for nearly 5 years and counting HAH! :D


and when you stare into the mirror... beyond recognition.


they say change is the only constant.
that was what we heard in sec1, but as you grow older you learn to comprehend this phrase at a deeper level. i can't describe any of this or put them into words, but thank God for ocip cambodia with fac comm! :D


back from cambodia! i'm not in a mood to type out everything since the daily reflection journals we wrote provided a pretty decent platform for us to think and reflect through most part of the journey.

1, 2 step.


Came back from church. I've never responded to an alter call this manner before. But I felt that God is really speaking to me. I felt it so strongly in a way I've never experienced... Although the path may be very narrow, but He will shut all other doors, and only leave one open. And you will go down this path He has opened for you".

Because He is always there. I can't help to agree when we were told to tell our neighbours "My God is so good".



And for me, this is enough. Really.

/edit

and the list of souveneirs is so long WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY GOOD FRIENDS haha so if i cannot find something cheap enough i won't buy for anyone :D


i can't believe adriellam wore pink to prom but NEVERMIND.

i don't know why i'm up i woke up from a horrible nightmare i keep having nightmares HAHAHA. then i tried to continue sleeping for 1 hour before i decide to wake up and reply weihan's sms. and if i go church later it means i have to sleep by 9 and wake up at 2+ because i'm not camping there with weileong kj sabu and renice!

i just keep having the feeling that i missed something but ahh there's a long list of things that i have to buy now. 'cause i keep waking up in the middle of the night remembering something i have to bring.... so i will just gg there but nevermind HAHAHA i'm still in a good mood now just that i can't decide if to go church later or not. but i'm very very tired.

ah bye i'm going off for cambodia tomorrow morning on jetstar (i can't put enough emphasis on that) and best bud was saying how they got to fly to phnom penh straight last time WAHHH PISSSED OFF i want my sleep.


i feel VERY VERY unsettled now.

for so long, i've learnt to drop expectations. 'cause expectations are just so vague, so unreal, so intangible, they don't come true most of the time. my way of living has become somewhat of take life when it comes in your stride. but then with such a big hoo-haa from the people who have came back from ocip cambodia (the school trip), sometimes its hard to ignore. and i begin to wonder... to me, it's just a trip, a trip perhaps filled with love for the kids, but then again everything has to end while you're back. i don't expect the kids to remember us or anything, but it's good enough knowing that we've been part of their lives. and then i don't understand the point of spending so much money going there wouldn't it be better if we donated out the money instead. HAHA. perhaps i'm abit naive, but that's how i feel honestly. so, i shall not think further and set myself into a whirlwind of thought i shall just focus on packing but i realised i dun need a single R&R shirt of my own since we have 6 HC shirts and nothing seems appropriate since most of my clothes are black in colour. damnit. lol.

but the thought of a wonderful bunch of company makes me feel more settled (at least). :D i wonder if 16gig of memory is enough for us. HAH.


okay i must start packing today!!!!!!!!!!! if not my mum would probably come home and kick a big fuss out of nothing and start scolding me like nobody's business because i gave her a chance to. sometimes i wonder what family means. and i figured out my family has a more negative impact on my life than the positives. ;O they also make me wonder why people always say some damn fking hurtful stuffs to each other, even after 19 years of marriage, so in fact the time don't contribute to anything. and marriage doesn't too. it's just a written promise which is taken so lightly these days (to me). HAHA.

and i was watching the band concert yesterday and it was quite fun to see the percussion people (esp charis) and patricia is zai at drums which explains why she's so good at dj max but i was just wondering such chances, for so many people to come together at once to produce music, would never be given again once you leave jc. for the same group of people i mean. and even the instruments like i can't imagine charis playing the instruments elsewhere (where to find the opportunity!!) so i've decided that voices are better you can sing anywhere anytime! ;O

and fong was telling me how she talks to herself when she's alone!!! HAHAHA.

okay i'm getting very high talking to weihan online XD


on a side note i'm SO HAPPY that i'm going away for such a long time NO NEED TO SEE MY MUM recently i think she's having menopause or something i can't engage in a conversation with her for more than 30seconds before i start screaming.


HAHAHA dinner was funny enough we went this taiwan porridge place and couldn't decide what to order GOSHHH it's so expensive! but quite funny. then we went to get the bouquets for irene and chai and the auntie is damn weird!

band concert. IRENE AND CHAI totally sacrificed their faces man. i think the mickey gloves is DAMN CUTE reminds me of jamie's ones! :D


let go, let God.


i feel like i'm such a big loser i closed down my blog for 2 days and i feel weird like something's missing in my life. HAHA.

this morning made me feel as if the world is really diplomatic. and we were in the car going round and round until me and weihan felt SOOO dizzy.

anyway cip in the afternoon with fc! :D gardening. was quite fun and crappy and juicy gossips until something happened which i'm still quite freaked out until now. ARGH. damnit lah why me -.- i'm seriously traumatised lah. and then went to buy first aid stuffs with pp but failed 'cause the cashier couldn't print receipts -.-

and i saw geof and he saw me while i was on my way home it's damn funny -.-

yesterday was hmm icecream treat from best bud for me and bella HAHAHA exploitation to the max! >.< and studying at bishan lib which was abit productive yay i love physics my foot. AHHHHHHH i'm chasing hol homework like some crazy pig now !!

oh then had this random primary6 class conversation in the night and i watched feng1 yun2 (HAHA som super old show i remember watching it when i was young) that's what you do when you have developed a sleeping habit of sleeping at 2am and waking up at 2 the next day and it's bad because we're supposed to meet in the airport at 3.30am on sunday ARGH save me man -.- which means i can really only go for service during church camp argh life sucks!

the more i look at the pink phone the more i want it but ARGHH i hate all touchscreens! HAH.

and i guess that's enough.


perhaps i won't forget in my whole life.

all so natural.

but for now, i think i have a vague sense of direction in life. but i'm just gonna continue to keep faith in God.


my strategy is to save all the money mum's gonna give me for cambodia and come back for xmas sale! :D :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D i think that's quite smart of me!

and today felt like a holiday i literally did nothing at home and wasted half a bowl of honeystars with milk 'cause i overestimated my eating powers.


and i like the new class blog skin HAHA it's damn nice!