girl next door is it so hard to find someone who loves me for me?

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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Starved for the entire day today basically, only ate hotdog+tunapuff+milk+the sultana thingyy until 5+++pm :( DAMNIT, should have agreed to any food instead of being choosy before going staffroom. AHHHH I AM DAMN JEALOUS OF FAC COMM 09/10... FOR VERY LOGICAL REASONS.

Let's hope I faint tomorrow. WAHAHA.

Yeah, you're right to say that if I continue failing GP (haven't passed ANYTHING since the start of the year), it wouldn't help even if I have alot of As. SO I SHOULD START WORKINH HARD FOR GP, stop being lazy, period. Being tired isn't an excuse, because everyone else is.

Seen some scarier sides of people and myself recently. It's amazing how small insignificant events would play such a huge role in reversing emotions completely. I hate this now, going through emotion rollercoasters everyday, feeling tired and energetic at the same time, and trying to find some zest in my life...

YES IT WILL GET BETTER, I HOPE (:

And I realise how annoying I can be, like SERIOUSLY ANNOYING, Jeremy's level, when I feel like annoying people I want to annoy because of whatever reasons. AHHH.

I really don't know the thing about being selfish, I really don't know. But if my lost can benefit some others... why not? I feel selfish too, for dependence's sake.


我说过，我选择相信。

But YOUR words really struck me today again... after so many months apart. SEE STUPID WOMAN YOU HAVE SUCH A GREAT IMPACT.

I'm still thinking about the econs tuition now, I don't want my free days to fly away.

It makes me feel sad, and there's nothing I can do. Maybe, maybe...


It's been a time since I've laughed this much, so <3 to weihan, renice, eileen, my, gwl, pp! HAHAHAHA. I LOVE THE THIRD FLOOR LAH OMGGGG! :D Seriously I am willing to camp there and become Weihan's maid :D LOL! Pp and the fake fish -.- YAYEEE but at least it was a productive meeting! WOOHOO.

I know every of this is worthed it. And it's only the beginning :)

Anyway was quite funny -.- I failed in reading 论语 and I thought it was easy because I read the xian dai version and not the gu wen. DAMNIT hahaha selfpwn!!!!! stupid.

I want to sing and sing forever. But before that, I should lose my choir voice so that I can sing pop songs properly HA HA HA.

Kinda realised that the next one month wouldn't be easy, but yay I'm filled with positivity now, at the vey least at this very moment I am :) Even if I suck at complex numbers... HAHA.

LA LA LA.

Maybe, I've found some pieces of me today.


I think I'm damn shi bai! Yesterday minx uncovered the mystery of YAMYAM that I didn't know for 18 years of my life HAHAHA with the names of animals plus random phrases >.< But GloriaTan is the most shi bai she insists that it's called YAN YAN (she eats pirated one HAHAHAHA) and she didn't know about the animals' names either!!!

Today left me thinking that, why while everyone is so sure of what they're gonna embark on after JC, and I'm not.... :\ I haven't got a single clue as to what I want to do.... >.<

SHIT I GOT EYE BAGS NOW after sleeping 3 consecutive nights at 1am doing NOTHINGGG. Have been at complex no. for 4 hours but HAHAHAHA I've done 4 questions?!


人生如戏

总觉得我们时时刻刻都在演戏

如果有那么一天

已经被成了习惯


Today was a bad day except informals which was super funny renice rocks! LOL.

When I'm irritated, I go around irritating more people around me. woohoo -.- THEN I FEEL LIKE SLAPPING PEOPLE.

Maybe I need more confidence in people. Then again, it's a two edged sword.


Today we talked about death, and circumstances around you.

And we also faced death too. The stupid traffic lights at the crossroads screwed up, I almost witness gloria yitty and eli getting banged down by the bus in front of me, perhaps causing a mass collisions of cars thereafter. There I stood, stunned, lost for words, I could only scream. It was !!! because we were just talking about how the man who tried to jaywalk across nicoll highway caused a series of car collisions... and there we are, uncaught, when we crossed when the green lights just turned on, but perpendicularly the green lights shone for that very stretch of road.

I always have this struggle, asking God why do bad things happen... and then finding myself calm myself down, because it's all His plan, for better good. But still there are times when you just feel so scared.

So we got stuck in the thunderstorm and went to Adam Rd food centre to seek shelter, and started talking. I posed my favourite question... something like what if one day you knew you were dying, would you choose to face it with your loved ones or turn to walk away, or making people think you've disappeared, or do something, so that your loved ones won't ever know you're dying/will be dead in no time.

Then I realised that maybe through this all, I've emerged as a more numb person. No I'm not desensatised, back then in cambo me and a few others shared about being desensatised, after all this years I'd still choose to walk away o.O shrugs.


Tell me what to do.


Sometimes, our pride becomes so much of us.


Somehow, I feel more empty without blocks. Staring at my super messy room with paper at every single corner, feeling lost because I don't know how to start clearing.......

YITTY is complaining that I don't love her :\

SHALL GET DOWN TO COOKING LATER. :D


YAY yay STJ!


And maybe, this is the last bit of energy left :O

Yesterday I recalled alot of things... back then in Cedar, systems which we hated, systems which we grew up with, but memories that were kept in a little corner and never digged up. You know, it seems very scary indeed... because everything seems so distant, sometimes you can't help but wonder if it's reality or imagination but hey, you truly have lived through every part of it, and walked out, alive.

And damn, just logged into isp and me and xingyi are dead officially >.<

梦破了沉默便不敢哭 伤痛了拥抱胜过安抚 你最会解读 我内心的日记簿 错一次就像看一本书 而用心的从泪水提炼礼物 找到对的地图 太过倔强 虽然有苦说不出 但就是讨厌认输 跑上了山坡尽头断了路 勇敢就是我的许愿树 我用梦想 在天空中飘浮 海边的日出前都会有雾 勇敢就是我的...

MY 2ND FAV SONG NOW :D



I'm bored x 10000000.

Nothing to do. Can't fried my brains anymore! HAHA. I realised that Ionic Equilibrium without Solubility is rather easy... which means Solubility should go and die and it's the only thing left to conquer.

Got new HK drama :\ ! See, it's always at the wrong times.

What's important is a willing heart, I can't agree more.


I realised, that sometimes what may seem to be bad isn't that bad afterall... maybe? :O


Today is Saturday.

Frankly, don't think there will be much diff if I take the papers now or on monday... My mind and soul isn't keen on the papers anymore. IF THERE IS A CHOICE TO UPGRADE YOUR BRAIN POWER HAHAHAHA. Times 10 would be good enough :\ Anyway, it' more of how to return to normal hectic life after the papers. It's like you don't even deserve any break, all you deserve is a transition between 5pm and the next morning when you have to go school and everything must/ is forced to return to what it was before. And to think this will repeat itself 3 times. That's why I'm not trying very hard this time. And let's hope I'm right in not trying so hard.

And you get stuck in such a situation, you can only sink deeper and deeper. Hoping that someone will be able to pull you out from it. I'm waiting for chemath to be overrrr HAHA.

I'd think a key is a powerful present.


发觉自己很容易被感动。

唯一。

想起了Cambodia的时候，孩子们追着巴士，跑呀跑呀…… 但是要离开的人，终究得离开，谁也留步住。

想起了好多事。回忆。或许在心底也就只剩下这些回忆吧。


I was just thinking about, would anyone prefer moments that steal your breathe away, compared to a normal life with little ups and downs... !

Anyway, consult crashing failed miserably today HAHAHAHA, thanks to a stupid pig. At first we thought didn't submit the "confirm booking" on isp but then it turns out that !)@*$*! AHAHA. it's okay, 3 ionic equi questions in 1.5hours was good+funny >.< Then saw alot of people in school today like moxiang zijie gy xingyi bboydusk and sophie in the morn which is totally random HAHAHAHA.

Recently, my brains got super fried thanks to math + chem. It's such a qianbian combi. Math + Phy is always better!!

TODAY IS THE LAST EPISODE OF YI QIE WAN MEI ER! :( HAHA. I like yesterday's show... one part of it which goes like "...是拿来经营，不是拿来考验的” Makes sense to me..


Got reminded of something which I thought is lost long ago

回到最基本的
最单纯，最不复杂，没有污染，最原始，最简单的。


Anyway, was thinking about revisiting memories. I wonder what happens what you cut yourself up literally, find yourself in parts and pieces. Maybe, nothing belongs anywhere.

I've been having very bad mood swings. And no, this never happened before. Now I find myself struggling between states of blaming myself for not being clever enough... yadada stupid because I don't understand so many things VS trying to tell myself everything's gonna be alright. Told someone quite some while ago it's no longer competition in my face, it's more of not wanting to disappoint myself... But it's really hard, finding myself hate myself more when I throw tantrum at everything around me, but then feeling the world 10 times better after having a bad tantrum.

Sometimes, we integrate masquerades into us too.


Say it out loud

Right here, right now.


I just hope I'll find more motivation, stop procrastinating.

Nightmares which makes you jump out of bed in the middle of the night are really super scary. If it was a projection of my real life, then it probably means that I lack confidence right now. (WHICH IS UNTRUE, I beg to differ!!) Uh huh.

You don't always have to find answers. You don't always have to win. What matters more is diligence, and a heart that is willing to learn, to find enjoyment in new things.


What about people being mirrors of yourself?
When someone smiles at you, you'll smile back at that someone.

THE SHOW WAS AWESOME! HAH. "因为有人问她爱不爱过他，她说她不知道，但是如果不爱，为什么听到他说离婚，要离开她，她会那么害怕... 她已经习惯被他呵护和照顾的日子，所以那是爱还是依赖 so my mum immediately went "na shi yi lai" LOL.

CRAPPP. If this goes on I SURE GET ABALONE ALR


I think the power of image is awfully scary.

Today I got reminded of the scene when we held hands in VCH, waiting for the results to be out, before they were out we were all in tears... Everyone's hands was squeezed like nobody's business. The suffocating feeling, anxiety, anxiousness, uncertainty could have almost killed anyone on the spot. No, I don't want history to repeat itself. We do deserve a gwh yeah? But it's good to know, 2 years down, they are more than ever ready, to win back the glory we've lost, to bring true music to the ears of others, to reinstate their pride and ours. Somehow memories are tweaked such that we only remember the good. Then perhaps the 4 years somehow made me want to remember the bad ones. And they taught me the most too.

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND HALF OF IONIC EQUI!! Slightly more than half, which is good enough. I woke up thinking it's wednesday and freaked out. BUT YAYYE it's a tuesday! :O

It's so good that so many people owes me things now!!! gwl is gonna buy me green tea because of a bet about lianseng's tag on fac blog HAHAHA. samuel owes me 2 bucks! If I flop BTs I will have abalone feast from irene and weihan :D

I was wondering, since you're in a position of power, why can't you do something. Do you really think that none of this is your fault? Or rather, there's no fault, but what you could have done was so, so, so much more. And you wouldn't realise it would you?

Random, but I can't stand people being nice to me. zzzzz.


I think naming kids must be difficult... if naming events is this hard, HAHAHA! 'Cause an event name is over once the event is over, except that it stays with the event itself, but a child's name stay with him/her for the rest of his/her life!!! :O


Sing, Aloud.

THIS IS DAMN SCARY CHARIS TOH JUST UNREVEALED 10000 PHOTOS BACK IN SEC4 AND J1 and omggg


At the end of the day, who's to decide what was worth it, and what isn't?


发现自己很喜欢装着很洒脱

但毕竟，这都是假的


There's always beauty in exploring for yourself, seeing for yourself what this world is like.


已经分不清楚了。

这本来就无界限。

无止境又是什么？


Go, Break, Go!

God's grace has been so great :) You know it just warms my heart seeing people praying for you, asking for prayers, then praying for people daily... And at the end of the day no matter how hard this journey might be, He is watching.


It just shows how much choices affect you.

STILL HAVING HEADACHE WHAT THE WHAT THE WHAT THE i feel like killing people now. hah. OKAY I FEEL LIKE WHINING. Here is goes, opened the political ldrs attachment programme thing, saw weihan's name, bang, means our time for FO1 is more tight, tell gwl, saw kj + wushuang's name too, then scroll scroll WTHHH MY NAME IS THERE when i quite explicitly rejected them. WAHLAO. :( I SERIOUSLY FEEL LIKE !!!!!!!!!! I was waiting, waiting for blocks 1 to be over, so that I can catch up with everything else, so that FO1 will be a blast, see how much I hate committments. !#@)(#(@(!()!))_____


I realised recently that I scare myself quite a lot. How much my mind can change, and how in the midst of everything I'm still quite a perfectionist :(


Positivity is the key.

HAHA. Screw all the renovations going around in my block, so suay is this man -.-
I think junior class is damn cute to heed my advice and buy sweets and soda for us!! LOL.

你指向远方爱情很晴朗
笑问不如今后就我们俩
怕泪会反光钻进你胸膛
但那不是感动是泪无法储藏
把美梦锁上以为是天堂
羽翼折起在你身边静静躺
却只能用目光空中翱翔
还得乔装安份靠在你肩膀
放了爱 为了爱 这不是我
该怎麼生活 放了爱
你说你喜欢我笑得开朗
你越温柔我越不想撒谎
我已办不到你想要的那样
客气地配合你我感觉更勉强
别人的幸福何必要模仿
心不在何苦留躯壳在身旁
加满自由我要无重量飞翔
就算以分离收场
放了爱 为了爱 这不是我
该怎麼生活放了爱
会明白有种拥有 叫作放手
我的心为爱流离失所
紧握最后回家的线索
等到寻获真正的我
证明我决定没有错
放了爱 为了爱 这不是我 想要的生活
放了爱 你会明白 有种拥有 叫作放手


My only consolation comes from the fact that there's technically some 8 more months to go, and 8 months can't be that bad! I mean other than the fact that 8 months will pass like some 4 months like some racing car on highway.

There's a reason why we're all in this place, and the reasons behind how we've came so far to this place.

HAHA I'm whining to Collin about BTs now.......... !(@$(@_)!_ Seriously, came home and fell asleep and struggling to keep awake now. HAHAHA.

After talking to chai today I feel very much motivated for BT2! :O Yeah it seems far now, but it happens after fac outing1, SYF, fac comm elections for 09-10, fac comm stepping down :( But now that it makes sense to me... And apparently my parents just can't be concerned at all as to what I'm gonna take in uni, it does seems that I HAVE TO START DECIDING FOR MYSELF. Which is why sometimes I envy people who has everything planned out for them, 'cause I don't exactly have the PERFECT INFORMATION (hahaha) to decide for what's best after Jc I guess..


Whenever I'm sad nowdays I will stand at the mamashop downstairs and buy HARIBO with the most number of red sweets per tube that I can find in the whole box of sweets, and bite and chew on them all at one go. Today I ate 7 at one go.

I really hate myself for wanting to cry so easily. Thanks yingting for listening<3

Maybe, I'm just too afraid to lose all that I have.

You know, I actually feel hatred from you, your actions and words. And it broke everything I believed in within split seconds. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but that's all I've felt so strongly.

Someday I will get out of all this. HAHAHAHA. I will, I will.


i think my physics tutor made sense, sometimes by letting go, believing in yourself a bit more, you'll excel and propel forward and reach boundaries you wouldn't be able to discover.


how i'd enjoy mind battles far more than anything else.


1. i should stop getting distracted. so tomorrow, i'm gonna surrender my laptop and handphone to my mum and this is it!

2. i love aims so please bless me with the exact same grades i got for overall last year, i will promise to be a good girl after this :D

3. just saw photos from the previous outing which i didn't go cos orientation time that time on charis' FB i feel like dying now omggg blocks faster end so we can all go out tgt!!!!!!!!!!

4. i think this has got something to do with choir, my concentration span has decreased by TWENTY FOLDS after being down for 1 month with sorethroat and infection. darnit.

5. you just wasted 5 min reading this, so did i by typing this.


Lord, just take this fear away and let joy flow in the midst of overwhelming uncertainties in everyone's life.



Looking at the junior class blog makes me feel so blessed :) 've got no idea why.


HAHAHAHAHA OKAY, I CONCLUDED THAT ITS DAMN EASY TO FALL ASLEEP NOWADAYS, BY READING ECONS ON YOUR BED, 1 MINUTE WAS ALL I TOOK!

AND CHARMAINE'S PHONE IS MAKING ME GO CRAZYYY, LITERALLY.

I wonder how long this period of mugging for A's will be. ChristopherZHAO got like 5As and like wthhhhh okay whole family of smarties I'm so glad I asked. I CERTAINLY hope my cous isn't emo-ing to death :(


I think many things aside amidst all this hectic schedule of block tests and frantic mugging, we often fail to treasure what we hold closest to us, and take them for granted. Today I've figured out a great deal of things, and then suddenly everything at hand seems so light once again. It feels great to straighten your thoughts, just like how a straightener has run through your mind (HAHA OMG REMINDS ME OF MAKEUP + HAIR YTD AT LT4). So for now, I'll try to love myself and love others abit more, be nicer to my parents and try to be home earlier.

That aside, a big <3 to all dramafeste people! Clemmy said it was a super great job tonight! And for me, that's enough, knowing that you all wonderful lovelies have given your very best for yourselves, for the directors, for the crews, for the faculty<3 And all other things don't matter after knowing all of these.


我不会让自己有任何后悔的空间

绝对不会


It's all in the mind.

What about trying to win yourself?

I HATE HEADACHES it's like ggxxggxxxx and then i think my focus is 1/10th of what i used to have WHICH IS REALLY REALLY BAD and i'm gonna die but no see what's the key to winning half the battle HAHAHAAHA. But it doesn't help with NEGATIVE PRODUCTIVITY shit shit shit shit shit die ahhhh booomba ): Pessimism doesn't help though, I JUST HOPE I don't get sick/headaches which is high unlikely considering the hours of lack of sleep from now till next monday >.<

Tomorrow and Tomorrow Tomorrow are the nights! >.< DRAMAFESTE. OMGGGG. HAHAHA, proud of my whooping junior class who has so so so many people in the production and acting crew! :D JIAYOU PEOPLE! May God bless every single one who has put in so much effort to make JUSTEA a success(:


Smile, pretend that everything is alright, and continue walking.

No one said this is gonna be easy.

And thanks for listening... I really don't know what to say. Probably 'cause you know me best.


you just got to be strong for yourself.

and hang in there, no matter what.