girl next door is it so hard to find someone who loves me for me?

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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Useless.


听，海哭的声音


I was wondering how do people keep themselves alive?

Some people have hopes to keep themselves alive.
Some people have dreams to fulfill.
Some people have a love that transcends across all boundaries.
Some people have a lalaland of their own.
Some people have a motivated inner self.
Some people have families who give them unconditional love.
Some people have friends who're always there.

RANDOM >.<

I think for once, today I gave my all, every piece of concentration and focus that's left of me... And yes, I think we all agree that the first piece was <3 I could feel it, thanks to yitty's disgusting story. And I'm sure that I want this GWH too, so badly. For once I enjoyed bathing in super cold water on a super hot day, wakes me up a little, made me think a little more.

I don't wanna graduate with such a regret. Don't think my heart can take another traumatizing event after syf in 2007 :(

ANYWAY, left my stationary in the lab coat at ntu -.- retardedness x 100 thank god patriciaho used her calculator. IF NOT MINE WILL BE GONE TOO.



I think this is about the only thing left that can make me smile in such times, such long days.



至少，不知道比较好


Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?


I don't know how I should feel, sometimes it's real, sometimes it's imaginary.

Pick yourself up. I feel this driving motor finally starting... I'll keep those words in mind.



8 more days to syf...


After this and this, I'm gonna study really hard for H3 >.<

我寻找的平静


A heart that is willing, but a soul so tired.


BLAH I THINK MY BODY IS GONNA BREAK DOWN BY 2012 (HAHA) AND DISINTEGRATE INTO THE AIR.

Seriously, it's no joke with a hurting knee, diarrhoea and mental block!




h3 lab today was kind of fun!


A list of words I can think of now: Malfunctioning, tangibles, hot, cold, whispers.


Today was a nice day. Maybe I do understand afterall.


A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree.


A little boy loved to come and play around it everyday. He climbed to the tree top, ate the apples, took a nap under the shadow. He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him.


Time went by. The little boy had grown up and he no longer played around the tree everyday.
One day, the boy came back to the tree and he looked sad.


"Come and play with me," the tree asked the boy.
"I am no longer a kid, I don't play around trees anymore," The boy replied.

"I want toys. I need money to buy them."
"Sorry, but I don't have money. But you can pick all my apples and sell them. So, you will have money."


The boy was so excited. He grabbed all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy never came back after he picked the apples. The tree was sad.


One day, the boy returned and the tree was so excited.


"Come and play with me" the tree said.
"I don't have time to play. I have to work for family. We need a house for shelter. Can you help me?"
"Sorry, but I don't have a house. But you can chop off my branches to build your house."


So the boy cut all the branches of the tree and left happily. The tree was glad to see him happy but the boy never came back since then. The tree was again lonely and sad.


One hot summer day, the boy returned and the tree was delighted.


"Come and play with me!" the tree said.
The boy said, "I am sad and getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a boat?"
"Use my trunk to build your boat. You can sail far away and be happy."


So the boy cut the tree trunk to make a boat. He went sailing and never showed up for a long time.


Finally, the boy returned, after he had left for so many years.


"Sorry, my boy. But I don't have anything for you anymore. No more apples for you." the tree said.
"I don't have teeth to bite" the boy replied.

"No more truck for you to climb on"
"I am too old for that now" the boy said.


"I really can't give you anything. The only thing left are my dying roots," the tree said with tears.
"I don't need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years." the boy replied.

"Good! These old tree roots will be the perfect place to lean on and rest. Come, come sit down with me and rest."


The boy sat down.

The tree was happy.

You really don't need any reasons.




-
I HATE HEADACHES!!!!! BOOHOO :(

I know I'm not taking good care of my own body, I'm always having shit headaches and blahblahblah shit sorethroats and shitty moods and affect everyone around me.

It sucks when you're not actually ignorant but rather sensitive but a part of you refuse to act.

Happiness can be that simple, shrugs.


Cedar Choir got gold with honours. I made denyse hug me before whispering it into her ears (then her hug tightened immediately -.-) HAHA. I don't know how I should feel about this. It's a mixture of feelings. It's as if they've fought it back, fought back the glory that they deserved/we used to have/we lost, proved their worth, that they are good, and next year's trip will be equally fruitful, and this was the place that I grew up in... During sharing in cambo in one of the dark nights I've mentioned, some parts of it turned me into a person who know that you can only fight for yourself, defend what you believe you are, learnt the truth that backstabbing do exist, learnt how to be stronger for something and for yourself, learnt how to make juniors cry over syf and make them guilty and practise more, indirectly it was choir that brought me into OAL board, and I'm thankful. Wished we could hear them. I know they're wonderful. A pity a new journey is going to start for them. But the news of a gwh just contents my heart so much... There's different kinds of happiness, this is the kind that you won't get any big reaction, but deep down there is this special chemical substance releasing in your heart, making it warm, at the same time making it distant as compared to what we face now. I can't figure, whether I was happier anyhow singing back then, even not getting into syf in sec2, but I wasn't miserable. Yes I cried, but I wasn't miserable... Or would it be better now, to be consistently driven, reminded... I'm scared ya know. Just what if. Sometimes it's you yourself that stops you from thinking of the worst things that might happen.

Personality test again T.T What can I say? HAHA.

I think over the past year, I've become more wishywashy, and can't decide for nuts!!!!!!! Indecisive is the word.


只能说，我很不好受


Sometimes we all try too hard, and find that there's so much to do, that it's too little too late, that thing just don't come at the right time.

I've never felt good about being wrong for so long. :\ HAHA.

/edit

I was trying to read the 46 pages pdf-ed OCIP Cambodia post report... Yesterday Michelle (senior AIC) came back to visit us(?!) and she mentioned that she just came back from Cambodia. Haha, I don't know. It seems pretty far to think about post A's now anyway.

I've watched 5 hours of tv since coming home from physics tuition WIN ALREADY hahahaha.


It's like a self-protective mechanism.



Anyway, had h3 in the morning which was ultimate disastrous (Sabrina's words of comfort helped, HAHA fail also won't appear on A's cert). Then choir..... Then everything that FC was doing! HAHA :D I will like eggs from now :D I hate tables. I love food. I love fuji apples and HAHA gwl should gnd and say sorry to my mum LOL. I hate sweat. I hate being tired.

It's this sudden wave of added appreciativeness, sudden wave of knowing that everything will come to an end soon.

Don't know what's wrong with me. HAHAHAHA. Don't seem to have energy to do anything.


可能，这就是细节的重要。

我看不到的……


How those words hurt, cut through your heart, leaves you bleeding non-stop. I'd never figure out why you said such stuffs, maybe I was wrong from the start.

I feel like everyone around me has split personalities T.T

I HATE EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTERS. 1 more month, yeah.

YADADADADADADADADADA. I need to scream man.

Today was last day of MP Attachment, :D to Lucas, Jasper, Sherry for being great companies + free entertainment at times.

There are times when people seemingly understand you, then you'd find out that they do not really understand you as you think they did, then you start questioning yourself who really understands you, but you find no answer, then you realise that there's no need for anyone to understand you because even you yourself don't understand yourself. END OF STORY.

28 minutes to NG WEI HAN'S bday (: HELLO ZHU !!


也许你永远也不会知道


Eyes are watching.
I don't know what pretence is about.
I think you're better at it, aw.



Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY YITTTTTY <3


I think I'm suffering from some mental depression T.T


I don't know, recently I feel more of this inadequacy in me... I think I try too hard sometimes, that I lose myself and don't know how to get back to where I were before. And this overwhelming feeling of being apologetic for so many things, for always pangsehing xingyi in everything because I'm always MIA, for not being a good friend to alot of people, for being stupid and do nonsensical things, for not being good enough to tank everything and make weihan worry and stressed up, for always having to bother others because I'm not good enough, for always yawning in choir, for not being able to concentrate 100% because my mind's filled up with 1000 problems to troubleshoot... it's this feeling that I could have done so much more... if I was just willing to put in that extra mile.

I really don't know what to do. But I know I won't turn to crying anymore, it doesn't solve the problem does it. I've learnt to keep more things to myself so I won't make people feel stressed up. I realised sometime last year how sometimes I could pose such huge stress to others unknowingly, but I've also realised how I stress my inner self... Maybe it's inadequacy. Maybe it's fear like that day gwl pointed out and put it into words. I'm still learning to embrace this fear... I think there's a contradiction in my personality, why my ego can be brought so high up yet hit rock bottom at the same time.

I don't hate my life, it's just that I feel torn apart...


To be honest I was really really depressed this morning, wondering what have I been doing for the past few weeks... Can't seem to get the focus back. DAMNIT. Okay, enough about pacing, right now I need consistent work all the way till FO ends! >.<

I think SMU is a pretty cool place :D but after walking for 4hours or so plus the rain HAHAHAHA we were stuck in iluma and couldn't get logistics. AND WEIHAN YOU'RE INCREDIBLY FUNNY YO :D Moral of the story: never wear nice but uncomfortable shoes out, slippers are the best!

I like the rain more when I feel sad. Tsks.


What to do.


There's so much things in life we can learn to appreciate.

It sucks to think of the end, to think soon all the glamour and glitz, hardwork and fun, pain and endless brain juice squeezing will end.

And making it end with a blast is about the hardest part.


I've found a new way to entertain myself in choir and make people laugh. Although I must admit it is very tiring on me... Ah well.

Sometimes, I'd rather be the happy-go-lucky mugger.

You take small steps, a little by a little.

It's just the beginning.


Fear? Maybe.


I can't deny this anymore, can I?


Apollo's ad hoc event was pretty enjoyable! :D Found new classmates and formed the class of 71 HAHAHA it was inter-faculty bonding and we ate quite alot even though we failed to BBQ in the end. The movie was !!!!! hilarious and we openly sat on the stage throughout the movie! Except that I'm coughing now prolly 'cause of the stupid smokes.... zzz. Anyway, games trial were fun today and x1000 funny. EILEEN GAVE HERSELF AWAY >.< :D :D :D

Long miles.

Meanders.


I guess there'll always be some parts of us, that no one will understand, that no one will walk into. Memories that belong to yourself.

I was doing up the CV thing (which was a horrendously long story, I thought I lost all my documents and O's cert and found them in two decks with my mum and dad respectively... Apparently they saw things lying around in my room and decided to self-service and keep it with them). Then I realised that I suffer from just slight bits of memory lapse. There are actually so much that I've forget... Basically the only thing I can remember is OAL board and CHOIR (like duh). But there has been so much more... And haha I recalled trying to explain to people when they gasp and go like WHAT THE HELL OAC (Equivalent to OAL) and then how I try to explain the hierachy. It's amazing. Because I never knew how that could have been a part of me, see, the powers of mental strengths. Not that I think I'm a weaker individual now lah haha.

MP attachment yesterday! Jasper and I were hoping for a nice high school junior so we can be nice to him so he will help us buy dinner from now on :D WE STARVED FROM LUNCH TILL 9+++ except eating a sandwich and drink at coffeeshop on courtesy of the RC/CCC people... Imagine climbing 12storeys x 3 times. :\ Oh and funnily enough Lucas was quite funny because his chi is like..... haha.

Was supposed to wake up at 8.45 today. My human alarm clock workeddd for the 2nd time!!! but I fell asleep again after saying I wouldn't >.< PIGGGGG. Need to buy apples later to school. HAHA.

HOPEFULLY I CAN DO LIKE SOME CHEM THINGOO BEFORE GOING TO SCHOOL.

This is as sweet as it can go.


猜不透


Slice it up, cut it open.


Within 2.5 hours tomorrow, I will feel like killing myself if I really failed my GP. This is what happens when you keep typing chinese on msn! -.-


I'm scared. Who says world champions don't fall... Everyone falls, then pick themselves up. But sometimes it's a combination of both speed and ability and determination... and the heart, what I'm most afraid of. I really don't know how to split myself into two and give all of me. I'm glad sectionals were fine today.


After failing to do TIME worksheet yesterday ( I did one TIME worksheet in 4 hours.... seriously :O), I'm gonna do another one tonight and start revising h3 before I lose that distinction and I know I will really be sad :(


AHHH, this week has been jinx, bestbud is like :( ETERNALLY. And there's nothing much I can do...

Anyway, I've found some new inspirations to work things through. I shall be meaner, less kind :D Think it's right to say that there are some things that you just have to work it through... You just have to.

The result of sleeping so late, trying to think about fac outing 1 at 1AM resulted in the lost of my voice during choir today... And stupidly, I didn't stop singing so yeah it's super pain now. Feel like giving myself a snorlex slap now.

It's amazing how views can go for such drastic changes.

I MUST DECLARE MY LOVE FOR NG WEI HAN! :D HAHA. Next time I will split half of my house with you or something... even if half of my house will be the size of your bedroom. Kay, random. but :D

And to i-should-feel-honoured-because-i-am-one-of-the-two-YOU-confide-in, thanks for listening and STOP EMOINGGGG hahahaha