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Sunday, November 29, 2009

I AM NOT HAPPY NOT HAPPY NOT HAPPY NOT HAPPY YES NO YES NO YES NO YES NO MAYBE MAYBE NO YES NO YES NO.

I DETEST DOING THINGS FOR THE SAKE OF DOING THEM. RIGHT..... I DON'T BELIEVE IN DOING SOMETHING I DO NOT WANT WHOLEHEARTEDLY. I REALLY DON'T KNOW DON'T KNOW DON'T KNOW I DUNNO WHAT'S THE BEST FOR ME I WILL NEVER KNOW GRAH GRAH GRAH.

EHHHH THIS IS DAMN SAD.


OKAY I've realised that I've been super slack :( BWAHHH this is bad!

ANYHOW see I told you the world is small it is damn small HAHAHAHA.


I wasn't so weak back then.


I think everyone's got some sad stories in their life. BUT WHY DO I FEEL SUCH IMMENSE SADNESS THAT I SEEM TO BE STUCK IN THIS WELL OF EMOTIONS SINCE..... A FEW DAYS BACK. I KEEP TELLING MYSELF MY LIFE ISN'T THAT BAD, GOD'S IN CONTROL, I DIDN'T TRY TO BE IN CONTROL, KEEP PRAYING FOR CALMNESS AND PEACE WITH MY SOUL, but I still feel this way.


Life sucks when you're stuck in a hot furnace, your life is in such a mess that you keep questioning your existence, when you don't know if to proceed with the apps or not, when you can't find a prom dress, when physics is in two day's time and you're still slacking away, when for once you hope that 2012 will the end of this century that we live in. It sucks more when you know perfectly why you can't get it, and there are hundreds out there who still think you can because of asymmetric information. I don't know whether to pity myself for knowing more or pity you for knowing less.


I wished I wasn't that sensitive HAHAHA


I'm sorry I broke down yesterday that was a prelude I can't control it D:

AND HAHAHAHAHA I'M SUPER DEAD I HAVE NOT TAKEN A LIKING TO ANYTHING I SEE AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL. NO PROM DRESS = NO PROM = I'M NOT GOING PROM = 6B HAS NO TICKETS TO ENTER. :D


I remembered it when you said "keep on singing" even after you leave. So that's probably the only reason ever enough to go back, stand on a familiar ground with unfamiliar surroundings.
HAHAHHA BUT WHY DO I HAVE PAPER ON MONDAYYYYYYYYYY OPEN HOUSE ON SATURDAY SIGH :(

IN ANY CASE, it's all going to be over. Yesterday I discovered how bad it is to have a huge ego and how it can be blown in a mere second but life still goes on IT CANNOT BE THAT BAD. Even if it is YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON.


BECAUSE I SLACKED SO MUCH YESTERDAY, I SHALL STUDY LIKE CRAZY TODAY.

I'M GOING TO READ UP ON PHYSICS + READ THROUGH PAPERS TO FIND OUT MISTAKES + MEMORISE PHYSICS + MEMORISE CHEMISTRY + READ ALL THE STUPID MCQS THAT MAKES ME GO INSANE.

YES WE CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


OKAY SO TODAY (DAMN JIALAT) .... I flipped through physics TYS but -sigh sigh sigh- shall not mention it. I'm trying to do chem mcqs now but the answers doesnt make sense to me HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW I shall still be very careful on monday and unleash all the brain cells in me to fulfil my dream of getting a 37/40 to reward myself for doing mcqs for 6 years thus far.


GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I WANT TO SLAP FISHES AS USUAL. SEE LAH ECONS SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE LAST PAPER


I DON'T LIKE THIS VERY MUCH.

WHY MUST ECONS DO THIS TO ME.

ON THE OTHER HAND I'M SUPER GLAD POLICIES DIDN'T COME OUT I'M ABNORMAL.

WEIHAN WE CAN'T CUSTOM MAKE LAH THERE'S NO TIME.

I WANT TO SLEEP DECEMBER AWAY MUAHAHHA


SHITZXZXZXZXZXZXZ


Tonight I will come home and do 4 chem mcqs! (2 A's + rj + vj)

YES WE CAN :D:D:D:D:D:D


Mum says now I can pray that a local uni will want me HAHAHAHAHA


I FEEL F- UP ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH


I WISHED YESTERDAY NEVER HAPPENED SHITXZXZXZ I FEEL LIKE KILLING PEOPLE NOW WT*******


AFTER ALL OF THIS... COMMOTION ABOUT HOW HARD/DIFFICULT THE PAPERS HAVE BEEN...


The only way is to keep believing, keep striving. Keep the faith going. What comes around goes around. If you have it, you will be rewarded duly.

After my mum's story of how this random colleague of hers (whom she thought was not a very good co-worker due to many reasons) was from Oxford, I truly believe that excellence in workplace is not solely determined by where you come from, although we shouldn't (in my opinion) discredit how backgrounds are determining factors as well.

The earth is round for a reason. We work our way round things, after knowing that going straight through things will result in crashing.


Woke up from 2 hours of nap! Spending the rest of the day with Econs :D

YAY mentality switching mode = success I feel like I've been reborned! LALALALALA.

SHALL MUG ECONOMICS PLEASE DO NOT LET MY MUM'S MONEY GO TO WASTE.

THEORY: CHECK
EVALUATIVE MIND: CHECK
ANTI-THEORY: CHECK
WONDERFUL INTRODUCTION AND CONCLUSION THAT WILL BLOW THE MARKER'S MIND OFF: CHECK

A GOOD HANDWRITING: ?????? HAHA


"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." The Perks of Being a Wallflower


All isn't lost. IT ISN'T. GO ME.


Okay lah I concluded life after A's won't be that boring HAHAHA should i/we go back for perf arts night but that's all the way into april (Y) Anyhow can't believed me and yunminny actually sang solo in Esplanade WHAT GAVE ME THE GUTS TO DO SO O.o Hello froggies carolling how!!! SIGHZXZXZ. AND CLASS TRIP!!!!


Today is going to be a really long day! Yeshiexzxz! They cut away my Korean show yesterday night AGAIN why do you do this to me~ I've made a mistake~ Got no where to run~ HAHAHAHA. UP NEXT ECONS MORE ECONS MORE PHYSICS MORE CHEM. Gotta make this good. The thought of not meeting my expectations is freaking me out really badly GRAH GRAH GRAH I've said this is nothing but a battle between minds I KNOW I KNOW so yay in 2 months I've successfully woke up (:D) on time for the 2nd time DOES THIS SHOW HOW STRONG MY WILL POWER IS.


Okay I hereby announce that the world is really small in 1 years' time I predict all my friends will know all my friends. HAHAHAHHAHA. Shitzxzxz.


A whole new world.

Zonked out yesterday night trying to do Physics. Woke up late this morning and yaye today shall be a nice day since I've finished chem tys 'cept the mcqs! Thank God I listened to mr teo and dumped the prelim papers. Moving on to read Econs notes about Singapore's Economy yes yes why do they like to do last minute things and only send us good stuff a few days before the actual paper? GRAH.


Ignore this post if you are in a bad mood because I'm feeling really lousy right now.

Note to self: BECAUSE YOU'VE EXPERIENCED IT THE MOST PAINFUL WAY OF WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE GAINED SOMETHING AND LATER ON LOSE IT, BECAUSE OF THIS, all the more you have to work hard for the upcoming week.

I don't need another reminder that I didn't manage to grab hold of the A for GP which was once so close and now so distant. The only sane thing left to do is to make sure I achieve what is rightfully mine for working so hard for the past 2 years in ensuring that my foundation for the subjects isn't weak. Thing is, I don't believe in statistics after what they've done to me. I don't believe that being top X percentile in school now translates into X +/- 10 percentile in A's. The only thing I believe in is hard work. At the very least, you won't be ashamed of yourself or feel ashamed to face yourself if things go wrong somehow. At least they compensate for a lack of geper brains (yeah why do I have friends who get 98/100 for math HAHA!!!).

If I don't work 4 times or 5 times as hard now I know I will regret it more than I did for O's. At the very least, at that point in time, I secured a place in hwach. Now, because of my sheer stupidity which mum has to REMIND ME ABOUT everyday, I'm left hanging in no where.


I have to be more careful in Physics manipulation and keep a clear reflective and evaluative mind when doing Econs. Go me!


This is epic.

On days like this you feel like listening to "Walking into Walls" and you wish that the bell curve will really work in your favour.
IT WILL ALL GET BETTER IN TIME.


The game has just begun :D I'm going to devote all my time to studying instead of sleeping from tomorrow onwards. I think 10 years later I will regret not studying hard enough for GP (and thus the grade) but every stage in life is a transition state. It only gets better in time.


HAHAHAHA. I don't know it seems like I'm getting hooked to examination the feeling of completing a paper is fun and it perks me up and I'm enjoying this more and more each day >.O I'm getting weirder by the day.



NO MORE ENGLISH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I SHALL SPEAK IN CHINESE EVERYDAY!


Sometimes, when you trip, gravity keeps you from falling. YES YES I AM SMARTER THIS TIME. I STARTED ORGANIC CHEM AT 4 AFTER SLEEPING FOR 10 HOURS SO THAT I WON'T HAVE TO FLIP THROUGH ORGANIC ONLY AT 11PM LIKE I'VE ALWAYS DO SINCE THE START OF THIS YEAR.


Can't help but wait, till...

If you'd sit back and think about it, when most people say "if i can get pass tomorrow (= gp) means the worse is over", half the time I'm thinking after tomorrow there is still next week which is very much determining by itself. AHAHA. Today started with smses flying all over my inbox was flooded within mere minutes which was quite fun since I couldn't get down to math.

Tomorrow is what I call D-Day, then again if you'd think about it all of this is going to be over soon. HAHAHA. I can't wait for my treat from PNGHUIYI who will get paid $65 a day :d


Okay so here it goes.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Tried decently hard to recall what I was doing 2 years ago on a day like this (I think math was in the afternoon too) and all I remember was watching television all day and night and sleeping after coming back home after every single paper in fact I still do now with the exception of Prelims. I don't know what's expected of me for this time round but I just hope this tiny bit of discipline to clock in at least 10 hours of studying various subjects everyday will serve me well, eventually. I wasn't an exceptionally academically talented student if you'd like to see my parent's horror in finding out how I scored above 90+ for every subject back then in P1 when everyone else had marks like 99, 100, 300/300. I've never gotten first in class in the first 10 years of my "academic pursuit" not to mention the horrendous PSLE grades. In short it hadn't exactly been easy on my part too, seeing how falling from grade twice in 10 years was painful. Normally when people fall, they fall hard, but never rebound back. Days ago I was wondering what would have become of me if I had chose to accept the fact that the "correct" projection of my PSLE scores was 11 points. I'm glad I didn't. Mum said it's all been so fast, 2 years down the road we've all graduated from college and AH it wasn't an easy process coming to terms with your own limitations and actual abilities. Of course we'd all like to dream big, but sometimes dreams can only take you that far, being hardworking can only take you that far. Sometimes enough is enough, we shouldn't give in to greed and ask for more. But sometimes we'd just like to try a little harder, a little further, and see what comes out of it. Afterall, extraordinary grades can serve to propel you in life, or serve as a determent to better prospects. Today, I'm reminded once again that we should not try to take things into our own hands. As Leonard's nick has it for years, it's all a plan. Whatever that comes out of this process, we know that God has His best interests for us.

Come what may.


AHAHAHA 2 DAYS GGXX. I SLEPT FOR NEARLY 4 HOURS THIS AFTERNOON.

Going to send off my internship app later tonight. Guess for the next of 1 month will be chionging for A's, making sure I'm in top form, calming my nerves down. After A's will be finding prom dress (HAHAHA gozilla said so!) and more wii and more hanging out and doing UK apps <- this has to be the deadliest decision in my life, the latest. HAHAHA. Mum says it's alright if things don't go my way, just go for post grad studies for the experience. :O

1 MONTHHHHH MORE :D 8 :D


When the night falls, and you wonder, what's the purpose of your existence. Right here, right now, everyone exists for the purpose of doing their very best for A's :D

AH, alas, it's here.

Make the wrongs right. Make it rightfully yours to claim. No regrets, no looking back.


If you think you've reached a dead end, think again, there's always a possibility if you continue trying. Making the best out of what you've got, turning the tables around, breaking free of traditional ways of doing things,


that's how life is supposed be to, anyway.


My dear girl, don't be afraid. The night's still young, I'll quote what charis quoted to me when I was crying like shit thinking it was the end of everything seeing my physics prelims to you, "eh we're from cedar leh, sure can one lah!" Hush hush, there's still so much to fight for, race against the time, no one's to say to whom this victory might belong to as long as you continue to try, to believe in yourself<3 jiayou okay! :D if we can kickass all the late nights and shits and mp attachment during the darker days, so can we persevere and strive on!!!!!!


Less than 5 days left. This feeling is weird. I feel as if I have so much more to do and then there's so little time even if I've tried to convince myself that time is running out I still find myself staring into blank space, waste unncessary minutes staring into blank space and watching television. 1 hour of dinner and television IS A LUXURY. It seems as if my efficiency decreases with age => negative strong linear correlation.

Tick tock tick tock tick tock/

It's all in Your hands.


There has to be only One Way.

I never wanted anything so badly...


Efficiency ought to be maximised AT ALL TIMES!