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Friday, January 20, 2012
ไป้ๆๆฏ.
It dawned upon me that it has been 2 whole years since Junior College came to an end.
Things change, people change, times have also changed. In short, I seemed to have completely lost my old self. If anyone could recall, I was about the loudest person I've lived to know. I was loud in my actions, my words, my thoughts, I speak what I think is right, even if it is not always right or appropriate, I speak what I think should be said and what I felt I wanted to say. It wasn't ignorance for sure, it was simply being carefree, with a tinge of rudeness and boldness. It could not have been ignorance - I knew perfectly the kind of consequences whatever I did would bring about, but I still went ahead anyway.
But right now, I couldn't be bothered with most of the things. I am still in a state of awareness, but I watch things go by and happen most of the time. I still voice my thoughts and actions, but few would know or see. I've taken a cynical stance towards friendship - All my good friends as of the end of JC are still here, I've gained some new friends who were old friends, but I don't exactly feel that I've gained completely new strangers as friends at all. I'm a trusting person by nature, but I just can't be bothered to take a step forward, to spend time and understand people more. Neither do I think it is possible to actually dig up a person's pasts to understand a person more. We are 21 this year, this translates into lots of stories being learnt, and I don't wish to spend this time.
I've also become quieter. I've learnt to like solitude and me-time alot more in college. I used to need to be surrounded by many many people, the more the merrier. But in recent years, I actually like being alone. Being alone doesn't make me a lonely person, I'm still loved by those I love, it's just that quiet times to yourself are hard to find admist the tons of work.
I find myself constantly straining my eyebrows - a sign that I'm thinking, and thinking hard. There seems to be more that weighs my heart down. I think more than once for most of the issues I face now, instead of acting recklessly. I'm either thinking about the future, or reflecting on myself, or just thinking about what I want and who I really am. The truth is, I still don't know what I want. But I get hints of what I want through my emotions. If I'm actually envious of someone, or a particular incident, I probably want it and hence it might be something that I want. But I don't think that is an accurate representation either.
THese days, I'm exceptionally easily touched by more HK dramas. I guess they do reflect alot of human nature in them. As a result, I have questions which no answers can answer. That's the miserable part. I ask myself why, for a thousand million things, but I know I have no answers for them and no one in this world would have either.