previeww

2012-01-20T14:15:00.002+08:00

“The world doesn’t want puppets who chase after targets,
the world wants personal heroes who chase after their dreams”.

I came across this quote on the web.

It kind of, pierced through my heart. For now, I'll never be one who chased after her dreams. To be honest, I really appreciate the kind of lessons my friends have been attending in the US colleges. It seems to teach one more about the world, simply the world at large, than mundane (stupid) business modules does. What good do I have learning about Investment Banking, per say, where I wouldn't even fight to be an investment banker even if it means good money and even if I have the capabilities to fight for it? NOTHING. I'd rather be sitting in a class about International Relations or the Republican System i.e. i.e.

I could have pursued the artsy kinda interest, in USP. But I gave it up for practicality in exchange for half a year's experience in Beijing.

Today I was reminded that I want to be successful in my own right. What I failed to achieve for myself in the first one quarter of my life, I want my children (if I ever have them) to do what they want. Singapore is too small a place for great learning to take place. Our system is just, not suitable for people like me. I want to be able to pay this regret forward.

Today, I remind myself that nothing is stopping me from learning more, from venturing further. Those that are not taught can be learnt. I need to do something about my laziness.

2012-01-20T13:30:00.002+08:00

今非昔比.

It dawned upon me that it has been 2 whole years since Junior College came to an end.

Things change, people change, times have also changed. In short, I seemed to have completely lost my old self. If anyone could recall, I was about the loudest person I've lived to know. I was loud in my actions, my words, my thoughts, I speak what I think is right, even if it is not always right or appropriate, I speak what I think should be said and what I felt I wanted to say. It wasn't ignorance for sure, it was simply being carefree, with a tinge of rudeness and boldness. It could not have been ignorance - I knew perfectly the kind of consequences whatever I did would bring about, but I still went ahead anyway.

But right now, I couldn't be bothered with most of the things. I am still in a state of awareness, but I watch things go by and happen most of the time. I still voice my thoughts and actions, but few would know or see. I've taken a cynical stance towards friendship - All my good friends as of the end of JC are still here, I've gained some new friends who were old friends, but I don't exactly feel that I've gained completely new strangers as friends at all. I'm a trusting person by nature, but I just can't be bothered to take a step forward, to spend time and understand people more. Neither do I think it is possible to actually dig up a person's pasts to understand a person more. We are 21 this year, this translates into lots of stories being learnt, and I don't wish to spend this time.

I've also become quieter. I've learnt to like solitude and me-time alot more in college. I used to need to be surrounded by many many people, the more the merrier. But in recent years, I actually like being alone. Being alone doesn't make me a lonely person, I'm still loved by those I love, it's just that quiet times to yourself are hard to find admist the tons of work.

I find myself constantly straining my eyebrows - a sign that I'm thinking, and thinking hard. There seems to be more that weighs my heart down. I think more than once for most of the issues I face now, instead of acting recklessly. I'm either thinking about the future, or reflecting on myself, or just thinking about what I want and who I really am. The truth is, I still don't know what I want. But I get hints of what I want through my emotions. If I'm actually envious of someone, or a particular incident, I probably want it and hence it might be something that I want. But I don't think that is an accurate representation either.

THese days, I'm exceptionally easily touched by more HK dramas. I guess they do reflect alot of human nature in them. As a result, I have questions which no answers can answer. That's the miserable part. I ask myself why, for a thousand million things, but I know I have no answers for them and no one in this world would have either.

2012-01-09T00:21:00.002+08:00

sometimes, the more happy and blissful you are, the more you become afraid of losing it all.

sometimes, you can't help but to cry in the middle of the night because of this unwarranted fear. it seems too good to be true. what if it just slips away, like good things always does, like how all happy endings always come to an end.

2012-01-02T23:14:00.003+08:00

Never realised how much I liked looking at the sea, enjoying the breezes, or even still air, and the seemingly silent sounds in the background.

Occurred to me that we've caught the last sunset of 2011 together, and that moment was rather breathtaking. <3

2011-12-17T14:55:00.001+08:00

2011 is the year that went by so fast, maybe a little too fast. It's the year you felt the most pressure to the point where you gave up so many times but you're still learning how to get back up. It's the year you said you were going to accomplish great things yet you feel like you just wasted time. But it's also the year you move on, slowly, and you realise that it is okay.

2011-12-04T17:16:00.001+08:00

I gradually like being alone. Being alone doesn't mean that I'm lonely, it just means that I like to savour the taste of this world in a cosy quiet corner on my own.

Happy first day of work tomorrow for me, I SINCERELY HOPE THAT I CAN ACT SOCIABLE.

2011-12-04T02:46:00.002+08:00

Will I regret if I just die now?

Yes.

Should I do something about it?

Yes.

I miss the days when we were younger, where I could do things without thinking.

I think the notion of beer and books are highly alluring.

ELI IM SO JEALOUS OF YOU :(

2011-11-25T12:34:00.000+08:00

This is sian ^ 10000 because I wrote different answers from the general crowd because I ACT SMART then I get wrong -.-

2011-11-23T13:15:00.001+08:00

Will come back stronger.

Year 3 Sem 1 I'm going to pwn you again!!!!

When I set my eyes on something, it must become mine.

2011-11-23T13:10:00.002+08:00

I changed my mind. It's more of an exasperation.

Right now I could tell myself that my grades don't define me. I will still succeed in life in my own terms and definitions even without a 1st class, but no. I'm better at this than to try to deceive myself. Probability of a smart kid who does well in school and succeed in life >> probability of a smart kid who doesn't do well in school and succeed in life. Period.

WHY LIFE SO TOUGH. I WANNA GO FARM -.-

But maybe not. If life isn't tough it isn't a life worth living i.e. ruiwen's favourite self invented quote. hurhur.

2011-11-23T13:01:00.002+08:00

So I had a taste of being beaten.

Not to say it was a very, highly, bitter taste.

But how to do you climb unless you fall
how do you rise unless you burn
how do you win unless you lose

2011-11-16T16:57:00.002+08:00

There has to be more to life than, this.

Years ago I've always thought I am a small chirpy without legs. Years later when I've thought that my legs grew out, I suddenly discover that I might just have retractable legs.

Maybe I'm just not suited to be tied to anything for that matter. Resting on the same wire is just so, so not me.

BACKTOMYBIGPLANABOUTTRAVELLINGAROUNDTHEWORLD#
NEEDMONEYBEFORETHAT#

2011-11-11T10:38:00.002+08:00

So it finally feels like... Examinations have started. Paper wasn't exactly the best one I've had, because of the numerous BIO questions zzzz.

2011-11-10T16:41:00.003+08:00

Saw kaiyin piggy today. Just when I thought I have severe lack of sleep, she looks like she hadn't slept in a week or something :( Would loved to have given her a big squishy hug if not for the tremendous amounts of files she was carrying and my laptop and blazer and court shoes I was carrying :(

I think that this sem I learnt to take things a little less harsh, like, I only want to do well in subjects I want to do well. Childish as it sounds, but I really don't see the point of understanding something you don't even want to understand in the first place.

2011-11-08T11:23:00.001+08:00

2 more weeks and this is the last good fight I will put up. Go, break, go. A life that isn't tough is not worth your living.

2011-11-05T02:11:00.001+08:00

Bloody hate whatever is coming.

2011-11-04T03:07:00.001+08:00

Audit is an application. Accounting is an art.

2011-11-02T16:07:00.001+08:00

If I give up now, I will never be able to fight back again.

Just.keep.running.

2011-11-02T13:54:00.000+08:00

我最错最错的是轻敌。

2011-11-02T12:35:00.000+08:00

大局未定

2011-11-01T21:00:00.001+08:00

Got this from a friend's tumblr.

I have searched all my life for that one defining moment – a moment that will blow my senses away, a moment of great epiphany and of success, the moment of moments where I will defy all gravity. However when people ask me to pinpoint my single greatest achievement, I have no answer. ... – but these successes, they are transient and as the days pass, they become faded memories that merely taste a little sweeter.

The truth is defying gravity is not in an award or commendation, it is in the struggle. I remember playing a squash game once, till the point where my bones and muscles were giving way, to a point where my body’s limit had been reached. But as exhaustion came, it left as my body renewed itself with its hidden store of energy. I played that game on adrenaline and will power, and I realized that in order to defy gravity I would first have to push myself to the edge. It gave me such a tremendous exhilaration that I pushed myself to the limit again and again, in my studies, in my sport and in my service to the community so as to reach that level.

The one guiding question I live my life by is this: “What can I do with what I have to live an extraordinary life?” I will never be contented with the life I have, not because of superficial factors such as wealth and beauty, but because I can never know and I can never experience all there is to experience in this cosmic universe. I will continue to search and continue to reason; I want to understand the known and use that to discover the unknown. In the process of questioning and learning, I will defy gravity.

So well said.

Maybe that is why nothing great is ever achieved in comfort. And what doesn't kill will make you stronger, better, tougher.

2011-11-01T16:09:00.002+08:00

Today I saw through something.

Maybe that is why 人有贵贱，人有高低。自古以来也有门当户对这回事，在今时今日的现金社会也一样。I've always said that you could tell what kind of a person one is by looking at what kind of a person the other half is. Looks like it is true.

And maybe that is what I keep fighting. I want to show the world that I'm good enough. I don't want you to look back and realised that you've made a wrong move. And perhaps this is how insecure I can be.

2011-11-01T15:59:00.002+08:00

Today I'm effing grateful to technology.

I've always find truth in the phrase that birds of the same feathers flock together. Maybe that is why I don't talk to THELOVELIESTFRIENDSINMYLIFE everyday. We're all so busy and caught up with our own lives to fight for our pathetic cap and schoolwork that... holidays is the season to hang out! Think about it, each and every single one of us are doing good in our courses. That's something to be happy about!

Thought about it, 60 days to have 60 outings before I leave for China. NOT ENOUGH TIME -.- There are just so many things/people I want to meet/do/say.

Honestly I think that my life in NUS will take a turn when the guys start coming in :) MUCH LUNCH BUDDIES!

2011-10-26T00:34:00.003+08:00

I never actually think we are able to forget bits and pieces from our past.

Anyone who claims he or she is able to is lying. It's like, these fragments formed a part of you without you knowing.

I never regretted till date, but I can't say the same for you.

Maybe this is why I always watch taiwanese dramas and think that people like me, 终究是孤单的。

2011-10-24T22:29:00.002+08:00

Why I am still doing an accountancy degree:

1. I don't know what I want to do so it's good to have a professional degree, it really is

Why it doesnt matter that I'm doing something that I don't like:

1. It has always been this case for the past.... years of my life as far as I can remember

BUT THE POINT IS I HAVE ALWAYS DONE WELL IN THINGS I DON'T LIKE.

Maybe just not this time? I don't know.

Point is: WHATEVER IT TAKES I MUST MAINTAIN MY CAP -.-

At this point in time, if friends like clemmy were to read this post, he will probably think "ruiwen is hopeless"... (as usual)

But does nobody realise that

I'm different to the extent that

1. My parents are fairly not well educated (though I applaud them for their good genes. Really, the other day my dad was giving me a peek into what MND is in for... seriously, giving a go-ahead for HDB in sengkang which are not even 70% filled up? PLEASE TRY TO MAKE MY FLAT'S PRICE DROP.) and hence I can't live off them for long, I have to support them when they are old. Don't trust that their CPF is enough. And they keep talking about downgrading their house but I know it's going to be tough. They are used to living in larger houses.

2. I don't have a single person to rely on should I not study hard, get a good honours and find a stable job and be self-sufficient from then on.

So at the end of this point I'm still convinced that I have to study. Even if 10 million bucks dropped down and land on my hands I still have to study.

OH WELLS.

2011-10-22T14:41:00.001+08:00

I think it's damn retarded that some people are so retarded.

Like grow up, won't you? Stop thinking that everyone is rich just because you are.

2011-10-17T15:04:00.001+08:00

人生有多少个无奈

2011-10-14T00:02:00.003+08:00

It's so annoying, the way how a 2nd upper honours kinda define who you are and what you get to do upon graduation.

2011-10-14T00:00:00.002+08:00

Seriously wondering what I'm doing to my life. It seems like I NEVER got to study what I like.

And I don't ever forsee myself doing what I like anyway. Hmmm.

2011-10-08T15:04:00.000+08:00

mid terms are over!!!!!!!

but i don't feel exactly happy right now. too much backlog to clear due to this excruciatingly long mid terms. zzz.

2011-10-07T20:20:00.003+08:00

In my lazy attempt to write a proper essay in order to practise my writing skills, I shall blog!

It 5 more weeks to the end of this semester. Strangely, this semester passed in a blink of an eye. Chewy says that hall events after hall events - last year might have made life seemed slower in year 1... just when I thought it would do the opposite. Whatever it is, THIS MEANS THAT I WILL HAVE TO STUDY REALLY HARD.

Life has always been cruel, to the extent that ultimately, you are still judged based on your grades - they defined and still define who you are. Case in point, the public service networking session - a closed event, by invitation only.

2011-10-06T01:00:00.002+08:00

I got reminded of how Sarah and I would wake up at 4am (I sustained that for the first few days) in Vietnam just to walk through the dark roads, yes the Sun is not up by then, to drink coffee priced at 30 sgd cents. (Okay literally I watched her drink coffee while I just stare at empty spaces)

The fields in front of our house was misty. The bull was resting. So is the Sun.

GODAMN GOOD MOMENTS.

In those days, we would kill to taste fresh fried bananas for breakfasts!

You see, the thing about memories is that, you never really forget them. They become a part of you. All you need to do is to dig them up. They always remain a part of you.

2011-10-06T00:52:00.003+08:00

Just recently I have discovered more things about myself:

1. I want to learn a new language more than I thought I wanted to
2. My admiration of people who can truly sing (not just maintaining good pitches but in terms of technique) is ever-increasing
3. One day I want to be able to sing jazz and have my own singing style
4. I have conflicting interests in the East and West
5. As such I want to travel more more more more
6. Maybe it isn't so much about traveling. Maybe it's just wanting to experience life in the fullest way one can!
7. I want to stroll through the oldest, richest, poorest places on earth
8. This is about my only motivation to work hard so I can earn more $$$$$ to bring myself to these places
9. I watched One Day's trailer 7 times at least and it's still freaking gorgeous! I seem to still think that life is a fairytale and that fairytales do exist

Sometimes it's really about the moolah, sadly. Without moolah you cannot do alot of things.

I think at the end of the day, life is a constant search of what you want and who you are. We can never be definite about what we want and who we are. In moment A I find myself charting my future career path, in moment B I find myself thinking about having a family and kids, in moment C I see myself being a wanderer, lang4 ji4 tian1 ya2. The thing about these moments is that they are kinda mutually exclusive.

2011-09-28T00:43:00.003+08:00

For the longest of time I think I have been very blessed.

Although I don't have the most normal childhood environment which affected my worldview on quite loads of things, I'm still alive, living, believing in God's love, kicking alive trying to fight for a first, epic stories in NUS thus far, and still together with a boy I love for close to 3 years now.

Although I don't know how life will go, I want to write this moment down amidst the mid term craze cos I ain't got such a bad life afterall.

KICKING ALIVE.

You know, sometimes I feel as if I don't need anymore new friends. The current ones will do. Had a cosy night at Gloria's yesterday :)

2011-09-21T00:21:00.001+08:00

Been a while since I came back here.

It seems like its getting worse, this whole I-must-study-so-that-I-can-maintain-my-CAP-thing.

It seems like we are all stuck in this vicious cycle, one way or another.

2011-07-10T17:10:00.000+08:00

Days like this I think I'm a big bitch maybe I should concede to the fact that I'm just like that.

2011-07-02T00:27:00.001+08:00

Life can be damn fucking simple. But we are all caught in some mess or another.

I'm just feeling damn sad, you know.

2011-06-20T23:50:00.001+08:00

Submitted the application and hoping for the best. :)

ZOMG I REALISED IF I WERE TO REALLY GO TO CHINA, AND STILL WORK BEFORE HEADING OVER, I ONLY HAVE 5X8 WEEKS OF DINNER APPOINTMENTS :(

2011-06-19T15:08:00.002+08:00

I still prefer blogging in my old blog. And have removed the lock on it.

Today I woke up feeling abit different from yesterday. I feel that I should make the best out of my youth and chiong hard, and chiong till I can't chiong anymore. Life is only that short. My dream of touring the world can come later - maybe that way I will remember better when I get old (since we usually forget things that happen a long time back). And hence, I'm going to start applying for it, and hopefully I get a shot at it.

Yesterday was pretty eventful, woke up early in the morning and reached the ulu-est uni of all time - NTU. Frankly, my regret for not taking up tourism at NTU isn't as great as my regret (if there is any) for giving up LKC. From my observations on the surface, SMU seems to have this strange power to transform people into someone totally new and unknown of, and that's something I fear yet desire at the same time.

Maybe rach's right. We are ALL going through some mid-life crisis now, we all are. We are once again lost sheeps like we were one year back deciding on our respective courses (which we thought would shape the rest of our lives). But here I want to remind myself and my friends that we are the ones who shape our lives, not our courses, nor universities. Everything is still within your mind's control, and in the greater outlook of life God is always in control.

The days at work showed me what I'm best motivated by - a sense of fulfillment knowing that my job has a purpose (not just for the company, but I want a purpose for society) and money. This two has to go hand in hand. Maybe I've put it too bluntly across, not that I'm materialistic or that I love money a tad bit too much, but I think having financial stability in the later parts of my life will be a good to have, and knowing myself and how I will work to achieve what I set out to achieve, good to haves normally transform themselves to become must haves.

Just thinking, uni has also shown me who I care for, and those that care for me. I love how I know that some people will always be parts of your life, even though you might not have spoken for the past 100 days or more, some people will just always take up that special place in your heart... and as I was sharing with this other batchmate from HC I met at Dean's Tea the other day, I don't think I used to be who I was. I'm less noisy, I'm more clear of what I want and not want, I'm no longer a social butterfly like I was in the past, I treasure my small comfortable group of friends more than I did in the past. But knowing that my inner peace still gets destroyed very easily, that shall be what I will work towards in the future.

For now, half of the holidays have passed, and I'm half a year closer to the greater part of China.

2011-06-18T15:07:00.000+08:00

NOM NOM NOM.

2011-05-12T01:41:00.002+08:00

我花了好长，好长一段的时间去恨我自己

恨自己的无能
恨自己的无知
恨自己的软弱
恨自己一副很坚强的面具
恨自己一切一切的不完美

到头来，却发现，一切只是一场空。

找不到当初恨自己的理由
也找不到当年的勇气
更忘了当年的努力

到头来，一身伤痕累累，累了，但不见得就懂了。

2011-05-12T01:20:00.002+08:00

I don't know what I want from this life, honestly.

And because I don't know what I want, I don't know what to ask of people.

I don't know how long this can go on.

I don't know how should I balance between wanting a simple yet not-mediocre life.

2011-05-05T19:46:00.000+08:00

只要肯付出，

努力终有一天会获得肯定

or so i think. hmm.

2011-05-05T19:43:00.001+08:00

After chancing upon where 1/4th of the school is headed to, and the choice of school/scholarship awarded,

I concluded that,

I was putting myself in misery for no reason at all.

1. I got the best scholarship from SMU, a not-so-great one from NUS (but given the size of the school, really very few would have gotten it), and I didn't apply for the last one.

2. Chose this course 'cos its my best option. still is until now.

3. there is really nothing to regret about. won't have guts to go china even if stb received my application even if brightsparks din actually lost it.

4. cos i applied wrong course on ucas

5. could have gotten moe overseas but chose not to become a teacher

so,

i'm actually quite blessed?

and not everyone can get into usp lol altho i dun treasure things.

ok, in a slightly better mood. back to my last paper tomorrow.

but did this realisation come too late?

2011-05-04T23:08:00.001+08:00

do you think i will have luck with this? don't think so. i never had luck for this sorta things.

2011-04-29T23:25:00.001+08:00

From today onwards I shall refrain from commenting excessively on the current situation for the following reasons:

1. I'm supposed to be studying marketing like a crazy dog
2. I have nothing more to say. This isn't the right crowd, nor is it a mature crowd.

SO before I sound like I'm an elitist that fervently supports the PAP, I AM NOT. Note the difference between PAP and good governance.

TADA I SHALL MUG LIKE A DOG.

2011-04-28T10:27:00.002+08:00

All I have to say is,

if WP is really thinking along lines of national interest, they would not have contested in Aljunied.

Why?

Because George Yeo is one respectable minister and man. If he is not the best minister (okay define best), he isn't the worst for sure.

I think our country still needs him.

So you think one minister won't make a difference? Consider his portfolio. He is currently the MOFA.

MOFA is like doing business, ties are good not because of the company you represent, but the person you are.

AS OF NOW EVEN IF I'M NOT MATURED ENOUGH AND HENCE I CANNOT VOTE BECAUSE I'M NOT 21, I FULLY AGREE WITH THE NEED TO CENSOR CERTAIN THINGS BECAUSE SINGAPOREANS ARE JUST NOT A MATURED CROWD.

2011-04-24T11:46:00.002+08:00

Sleep too much, at 1am+ instead of 3am+, headache now ><

hahaha honestly i think this sem's modules are awesome! learnt pretty much!

BA improved my excel. Marketing showed me that if I am out of job I can always try out consulting and scam people's $, geog showed me that tourism isn't what I thought it is, in terms of nation-building and shattered my stb dream in a good way (but I'm still interested in hotel management and hoteling at large), history made me think that I should have enrolled in fass instead but it is a good mistake, like Readon said, a professional degree is more helpful and since I can't tahan the statistics involved in higher econs, MA made me think that there is still hope in accounting given my pretty good sense of numbers and plus minus times divide,

so thank God for this nice semester with nice modules, even though next semester's going to take a pretty bad turn!

and happy easter day :D

i remember eating easter eggs a few years back, super cute! but of course now so old i doubt anyone will offer me easter eggs anymore :( plus i hate chocolate.

i think singapore's landscape is changing pretty much, in terms of demo and national sentiment. so we assume that people don't give a heck about elections, LOOK AT THE BUZZ, everyone cares to some extent, and would have discussed it in their daily lives. when people are unhappy, of course they discuss. AHAHA. am pretty excited to see the results actually! just wondering how true is it cos my mum says it happens every time but people will still vote pap eventually. really? HAHA. even japan's 50 years power party failed to form the government last year, i'm only 20 this year, and i'm pretty sure i'll live to see the day when lky's prophecy comes true! HAHAHA.

2011-04-22T00:35:00.002+08:00

太好胜，太执着

2011-04-21T02:32:00.001+08:00

Doesn't want to be mediocre.

2011-04-19T22:48:00.000+08:00

SHIT. I THINK DOING MARKETING AND TRYING TO VERIFY ALL YOUR ANSWERS (UNSURE OF) WITHIN 40MINUTES IS FREAKING STRESSFUL !!!!!!!

BUT OKAY, SO FAR SO GOOD FOR 3 PAPERS. BUT EXAM SURE MORE STRESS. SO I SHOULD GET DOWN TO DETAIL-READING MY MARKETING TEXTBOOKS. URGH!!!!!

SHIT I'M DAMN SCARED LAH MY BRAIN EXPLODING BOOMZ

2011-04-16T10:45:00.000+08:00

SATURDAY SATURDAY

BOOO OOOOOO AHHHHH!

2011-04-12T23:57:00.002+08:00

可能，过去的你，太多负担，凡事都往身上扛。就是上一代未完成的愿望，都当成是自己的愿望一般，并命去实现……

现在的你，真是在为自己而活吗？撇开他人对你的期许，你自己真正想要的是什么？接下来的四，五年…… 你到底想怎么过，想在哪里过？你梦寐以求的职业是什么？你还有什么属于自己，但又未完成的梦？

为自己而活，最重要。自己想要什么，就去追…… 毕竟你比别人强，还追得到此梦。

有时放纵自己，自私一次，任性一次，你可能会发现属于自己的天空。

家，终要回。但你有权选择回家的路。当然，世界那么大，家，才是栖身之所。但回家前，我们是否该闯闯世界？看看世界之大，天空之蓝，人性之美？

2011-04-11T23:34:00.001+08:00

Thank God for you (:

2011-04-09T15:26:00.000+08:00

So I signed up for french... HAHA.

2011-04-06T16:56:00.003+08:00

if anything, i am also, still, fully aware of the consequences of being outstanding. outstanding not in the rights of really truly outstanding, but all you need to be is a little more outstanding than your peers to become a subject of scrutiny, jealousy, immense opinions.

lie low.

2011-04-06T15:37:00.002+08:00

I don't know where this semester will bring me to... God knows.

2011-04-06T15:29:00.002+08:00

I can see the end of the passing tunnel, or can I?

I feel like I have become more independent, but I still lack the ability of being alone. I feel like I'm always surrounded by people, yet when lessons end, at the end of the day, we're all alone. I thank God for Felicia's presence, but all this will end as finals draw nearer. I remember seeing how people move out of hall once their papers end - to return to their families. Yes, at the end of the day you return to your families, 'cause only they will care like no one else would. Gao said that she likes uni this way, being alone and having control of your own time. Perhaps... but maybe I have always been in control, and now that it seems to be controlled by hall events, I devised a way to escape from this over-arching control.

And I don't know if it's a good or bad thing to find myself dependent on you. Because you seem to be there for me more than my parents do sometimes. You're not there physically but I know you're there. But I'm highly positive that some of these days will come when I have to adapt to being alone.

sigh, hello life.

2011-03-29T01:48:00.000+08:00

I FEEL MUCH MORE COMFORTED AFTER TALKING TO LINAN ABOUT ALL THE PROJECT'S MESSES AND ISSUES AND WHAT -NOT. MAYBE THE PROBLEM DOESN'T LIE WITH ME :(

2011-03-25T21:21:00.001+08:00

I need some drive in my life, sigh.

2011-03-23T16:51:00.003+08:00

Goals for this year:

Step out of my comfort zone. There is a thin line between being extroverted and talkative. I belong to the second category.

Learn a new language. Still at odds with myself... and with persuading kaijian to embrace french. If not no one learn with me also damn sad.

Embark on Financial Times :) After clemmy said its op ed is good and I trust his taste of reading.

Finish one LKY book, after giving up on Men in White, either Conversations with LKY or the hard truths.

Pull up my cap, as pragmatic as this gets.

Go for an enriching internship at the end of this year.

Play hard this summer.

Pass driving this summer.

Now you wonder, this seems like alot of goals. damn.

2011-03-19T03:28:00.001+08:00

I think I overreacted.

After talking to Aloy, I felt apologetic to a certain extent.

2011-03-18T04:13:00.002+08:00

I'm thinking about my faith, after reading Charis's many recent posts (which I neglected) about her christian life in Nottingham.

I don't know why but these days I feel so much weakness in me. It feels like I crumble very easily. But I know this is not what I am, I am much stronger than this. I've been through more than this, this won't kill me yet. But I guess you know you're barely surviving, yet you see images of death (not physically nor literally).

I just ask for Lord to bless me and my friends through this period, for without You we are nothing.

2011-03-17T20:54:00.001+08:00

I THINK I AM GETTING VERY BITCHY AND WHINY THESE DAYS, LIKE SERIOUSLY.

SOMETIMES FUCK IS THE ONLY EXPRESSION THAT EXPRESSES ALL YOUR FEELINGS.

2011-03-17T02:42:00.001+08:00

God's grace that I chanced upon this 2 month internship???? Means I can do internship AND business rag.

But I've already booked my driving lessons in the morning.

And... I've already kinda decided that I want to learn french this summer in a language school.

shit, how?

2011-03-15T17:47:00.001+08:00

I concede to the fact that I am an elitist. But that does not mean I agree with how the education system in Singapore is carried out.

2011-03-14T00:57:00.002+08:00

I'm getting worried that I have not been making use of time efficiently for the past 2 weeks. TIME TO MUG

2011-03-09T20:26:00.001+08:00

Actually, it's really a waste that me val yq thiam were unable to join the hwachong c-africa team last year. I really wanted to this year... but I have to work this end December right.

Maybe next year. When I'm older and have more aptitude.

Right now my life is in a whirlwind. Just talked to gloria over dinner I love gloriamamamama (:

2011-03-06T12:33:00.002+08:00

I guess there is no other more perfect timing than to move on from where we've left behind.

:D

This time I would very much want to move on, but I wouldn't be able to do this without God's guidance.

At the very least, I dictate my future from now on.

2011-03-05T13:47:00.002+08:00

Maybe I can finally move on, after 1 whole year of going about in circles and moaning about how pathetic and undeserving I was of those grades.

And I guess it's time to pay-it-forward. I did not have help on uni-issues... other than the very kind contacts my cousin gave in his council batch and wonderful 6b seniors.

2011-02-28T21:33:00.001+08:00

Recently, I keep thinking that my 沉浮太深.

Little did I realise that I'm still far from being a mature person, yet.

My perspective is still too narrow and I have to work on this.

2011-02-26T16:39:00.002+08:00

I WANTED TO TWEET THIS BUT TWITTER IS DOWN BUT I HAVE TO GET IT DOWN SOMEWHERE!

TRIED THIS CHRISTIAN DIOR'S FRAGRANCE (SAW ONE LYING AROUND IN MY HOUSE) and it's freaking awesome!!!!!

LIKE SUPER SMELLY AT FIRST BUT SUPER NICE AFTER 30MIN.

AT THE END OF THE DAY I'M STILL A VERY VERY VERY MATERIALISTIC AND BRAND CONSCIOUS PERSON, HAHA. BUT SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE WORTH THE $$$$$$$$. LIKE THE CHANEL FRAGRANCE THAT SARAH AND I TRIED IN VIETNAM'S AIRPORT ((:

2011-02-25T14:26:00.000+08:00

"Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel, always. Be you, and be okay with it."

Because if you don't, the regret of not even trying hard enough will consume you eventually.

2011-02-23T20:49:00.001+08:00

Stop watching TV omgawd.

BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. I HAVE A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS SEM, AS OF NOW 5.0 IS DEFINITELY POSSIBLE. MUST STOP WATCHING TV. WHY ARE THE SCRIPTWRITERS SO GOOD

2011-02-21T00:50:00.002+08:00

After offering some uni advice, I suddenly remembered why I wanted to join usp.

I wanted to learn to write properly. As a kid, I was always jealous of people who are born writers. They had a good command of English which I didn't. My mum didn't really bother teaching me English, no one did.

Technically I went back against my ideals, for practicality.

If you'd ask me, isn't that what I've been doing all my life? Maybe parents are always correct. They've went through life never quite the same way as we did. They told me not to take History, History can't feed me. I bore a grudge against that decision - their decision. 4 years later I find out for myself that History really isn't my cup of tea.

Then what is?

Definitely not Business, or Accountancy for that matter.

But my hope lies in the hope that it leads to something great, through greatness doesn't stem out of it.

I'm still wondering what has happened to me. I used to want to study. No longer. Maybe I lost a higher purpose in wanting to study. Then again my purpose has always been stupid. I study because I feel inferior.

I don't think I can ever study for myself and for my own sake in my entire lifetime, sadly.

2011-02-19T15:46:00.003+08:00

I chuckled and grinned while watching this video on Artemis's blog, a compilation of all the striking adverts we know to put across what each position entails.

I concluded that I am a greedy person, I want alot of things in life. When I get some, I want more. Even the thought of being offered many other options can't satisfy me sometimes, for I will constantly think back about the what-ifs that entails within those other choices.

But I do not think that being greedy is something... wrong. It is just something that shouldn't have been. It isn't wrong. Who wouldn't settle for the best for everything if they could? No one. The lack of options drives humans into desperate measures.

Girl, now remember all the reasons why you are here?

These years, I have matured alot. This also means that I begin to see more differently from others, I begin to dislike some others more. I don't understand why some can be so... naive and insensitive. This also means that I become more tired of this life - I'm not even 20, and I'm this tired. Sometimes I feel as if I have deciphered the world, and that's enough for what's more to life than this? Humans are essentially kind, but humans are always motivated for the wrong reasons.

2011-02-15T17:46:00.002+08:00

Today, I can 100% say that I will not regret my decision of withdrawing from USP.

2011-02-11T22:32:00.001+08:00

First you have to understand yourself.

Then you have to understand money. Because money is often the root of all evils.

Then you have to understand how men works. Because men make up 50% of the population. Not understanding them translates into not understanding how half the world works.

- FROM A KOREAN TV DRAMA. LOL. SO BLUNT BUT ... true?

2011-02-08T00:06:00.001+08:00

all i can say is FML

2011-02-05T01:12:00.001+08:00

The Mexican Fisherman

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!

"You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.

"Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends!"

Beautiful story that Sherwyn shared.

2011-02-03T00:30:00.002+08:00

And so another new year came.

I think the past year left me with many doubts about myself. To be honest I don't think I ever doubted myself so much in my entire lifetime... Sometimes I get so lost I fumble and stumble...

Note to self: Without 4.4 at least I cannot even take a step towards my dreams.

2011-02-01T00:13:00.001+08:00

I think I'm too skeptical. I entered JC thinking that I will never meet true friends... look what happened, I think I've found the bestest friends I'd ever have.

2011-01-30T21:21:00.000+08:00

I should start being more genuine... and not live life like a dead fish.

2011-01-29T00:27:00.002+08:00

From eli's blog

And so what we need to do is to keep God's commandments, use it as fixed points in our lives, be faithful and persevere even though it may seem as if everything we do yields no result, and let God do the rest. Be faithful in the spheres that he called you to do and let him do the rest.

I've been excited over comms ball, but after tomorrow, I am going to do whatever I can to pull up my CAP. It is not the only determinant, but it is one big determinant.

So now I'm getting a little afraid of going to Beijing for real. Fong's right, 6 months is a long time. And I believe it will be a life changing experience, hopefully for the better and never for the worse. Experience is one thing, alot depends on how you choose to shape them.

Here I'm listing 3 things I want to take back next year from SEP

1. Tolerance and acceptance

能忍别人所不能，才是大将所为
接纳，与宽容，在这现今社会已非常罕见

2. An aptitude for Business, especially in the Chinese society

3. Language barriers

First, I need to clear this Sem. LOL.

2011-01-21T12:06:00.001+08:00

Asking yourself "How" is more forward-looking than asking yourself "Why".

Had an awesome sleepover with glo and yitty while skyping the lizard with 2 candles and a lighter IM SO AWESOME RIGHT i got candles in my room <3<3

2011-01-18T00:13:00.002+08:00

"It's only natural, when two people are so in love, that the subconscious of one party starts to manifest self-destructive thoughts about the relationship. This stems from a simple defence mechanism, sheer disbelief that something so wonderful could be happening."

Nice quote from bella's LJ. 1 year 9 months on, I still thank God for us. :)

Anyhow, there was this night that I went crazy. If I'm not wrong it's the night I came back from comms parade, or possibly the night before. It arose because I was talking to linan and somehow all the biggest bitches in the world seem to be getting prestigious scholarships. No I am not doubting the selection process, it just makes me wonder if I should become more shrewd. This is a scary thought to entertain. I know before I entered the business school I told myself that I must stay true to myself. 1 semester on, I am still true to myself, but sometimes I just wonder if I get disadvantaged from being nice. 1 semester on, I still remember why I'm here, and that I freaking need and want a 4.4 even though I don't want to work that hard for a first class hons with 4.5 < , and that I know what I should put myself through to emerge as a stronger person.

The way my msn pm says it, "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". I never doubted my ability. And I shall not start doubting myself.

2011-01-15T09:34:00.001+08:00

1 year on, my stand has not changed. Reach for the best you can... because leaving everything behind can prove to be a load off your burden. Some people do not even get a shot at such opportunities.

2011-01-11T11:47:00.000+08:00

I think that the Singapore Studies module is going to be interesting.

2011-01-07T01:19:00.003+08:00

Yes I am going to China.

On hindsight, I think I'm really a mad person.

I think we spend a whole lifetime understanding what love is but no one can truly find the answer. I hate emo shows.

And... I still don't know what I'm doing to my own life.

2011-01-07T01:14:00.000+08:00

他的镜框留在某一节车厢
地下铁里的风比回忆还重
整座城市一直等着我
有一段感情还在漂泊
对他唯一遗憾是分手那天
如果还有遗憾是分手那天
我奔腾的眼泪都停不下来
若那一刻重来我不哭
让他知道我可以很好
我爱他轰轰烈烈最疯狂
我的梦狠狠碎过却不会忘
曾为他相信明天就是未来
情节有多坏都不肯醒来
我爱他跌跌撞撞到绝望
我的心深深伤过却不会忘
我和他不再属于这个地方
最初的天堂最重的荒唐
如果还有遗憾又怎么样呢
伤了痛了懂了就能好了吗
曾经依靠彼此的肩膀
如今各自在人海流浪
我爱他轰轰烈烈最疯狂
我的梦狠狠碎过却不会忘
逃不开爱越深越互相伤害
越深的依赖越多的空白
该怎么去爱

NICE SONG TTM.

2011-01-07T00:33:00.001+08:00

快乐，不是因为拥有的多。而是因为计较的少。

2011-01-06T00:26:00.000+08:00

Still feeling gutless about China.

Whatever happened to the "die then die" spirit.

2011-01-04T01:39:00.001+08:00

1. I told myself I will go China for SEP

2. I am scared now that I'm really going to apply for it

3. But running away does not solve the problem

4. Sometimes you need to throw yourself into shit to emerge stronger

How?

2011-01-03T13:53:00.002+08:00

I don't see what's the big hoo-haa over New Year Celebrations.

As the clock strikes 12, I'm still the same me, people still remain the same, nothing changes.

I wonder if New Year is just another over commercialised event (just like Christmases, except for its biblical meaning and Christian celebrations)...

2011-01-01T23:04:00.000+08:00

Maybe I still appear to be the same old person, cracking silly jokes and lightening up the atmosphere. But I know that I'm no longer the same.

And because I fought so freaking hard to get to where I am today, none of this must repeat again. I'm willing to sacrifice as much as it takes to get a decent CAP for the next 2 semesters.

2011-01-01T15:18:00.000+08:00

You don't have to be smart to be great. But normally all great men are smart.

2010-12-29T12:41:00.000+08:00

There is no dark knight or white knight, only a winning and losing knight.

Son's tweet. How apt.

& you know what. I think I'm about to make the 2 most important decisions in my life:
1. To stay in USP or not
2. To try to stay in hall after semester 2 or not

And I'm about to find the answers to both that soon.

And I swear that I will pull my CAP up no matter what it takes. I still have a chance to turn back.

2010-12-29T02:58:00.002+08:00

Sleepover with Gloria and Yitty @ Yitty's yesterday :D

To be honest, I think that uni has made me lost some parts of myself... But friends, true friends for life help you recall some of these parts that can never be found by anyone else. We rolled around on the bed for some 2 whole hours after eating lunch <3 ON HINDSIGHT IT MUST BE REALLY FUNNY TO IMAGINE 3 19 YEAR OLDS ROLLING AROUND IN BED AND SCOLDING EACH OTHER (ME) FOR STEALING PILLOWS AND BOLSTERS BUT I REALLY LOVED THE PAST HOURS SPENT TOGETHER.

And then skyping ELI! I think you must have been WTH they off the lights and skype you... HAHAHA.

I've been thinking alot about us, in Vietnam. 1 and a half years on, I'm still sure that you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. But we know that life always take us by surprises. What we can do is to mitigate the goods and bads together and never let go. (:

2010-12-24T23:17:00.001+08:00

I hate that feeling. The feeling when you’re sad but you have no idea why. You just are. And in your mind, you’re thinking of all the bad things in your life and apply it to your emotions, making you even more sad. Then people ask you what’s wrong and you have nothing to say. You end up sitting there, quiet, while it seems as if everyone, but you, is happy.

2010-12-24T23:08:00.002+08:00

It has been fucking long since I last smiled genuinely.

But seeing the mountains and seas and beautiful lakes in Vietnam really made me feel at peace. It made me smiled for as long as the road trip lasted (with oldies playing at the back of the van).

Sometimes it seems as if nothing can make me happy anymore.

Sucky grades, sucky Christmas, sucky detachment from the world (maybe I've been away for too long), sucky to know that this world we're in sucks because of humans' greed.