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Tuesday, May 10, 2016

It's difficult to not be a negative person. 


Stars are beautiful. But they are not mine. 


Should have known


I always thought I am very strong. 


Oh wow it hasn't even been two weeks


我用生命在爱你


So fucking maligned and unappreciated. But it's okay. Keeping silent is the best. As history would teach. It's always my fault anyway, even if I'm not the unreasonable one. 


觉得自己好不起来了


I actually have a lot to say/ lots of thoughts going through my head. But you know, tomorrow is no different from yesterday. I'm just another person who is living by the day. 


No one knows how fucking hard I fight every single day to keep the tears away 


New year resolutions


Hi tears can you stop flowing I need to sleep


Absolutely detest coming home 


So fucking annoyed I want to move out 


I don't wish to be like that 


Not quite sure if I have the courage to live on everyday


What a house to live in


Maybe humans don't change. An extension of such a thought would be that a murderer will always be a murderer. 


All I want for Christmas is for us to be happy. For you to think I'm worthed it. 


Sad sad sad. 


Not sure if this is considered petty. But I'm really exploding. Downright insulted. 


This is new. I am actually feeling deeply insulted and offended, apart from the usual sadness. 


Why is everyone happy except me


Well I guess being busy is an excuse. No one is really too busy at all. 


On the way to coming to terms with the fact that whatever I want in this life will never be attained so here's to an afterlife


It's not that I like asking the same question. It's because hearing the answer makes me keep going. 


People may say that the love of a mother/father is the greatest thing on earth. I disagree if you take it from another view point. What if they really saw the child as an existentialism extension of they themselves? Then self-love isn't that great after all? This may also be why humans don't feel the same love for siblings, even though siblings are too related by blood. Siblings are simply not "selves".


We are all figments of our own imagination. We also believe things of our own interpretation. 


Once upon a time I used to be a girl who had to win every single argument. Especially those that I'm right on. Including those that I'm wrong about. 


Defeated


Can't wait to fall asleep so that tonight can pass


Uncontrollably 


You will take a lifetime to find out


There are some things I have to change 


不吵不哭不闹



Love can be as simple as, "as long as you are happy, I am happy".

Often not practised that way in real life.


不同人不同命


I feel so maligned. So so maligned. 


How about showing me a tad bit of pity and gratitude 


To think I was so looking forward to this year's bday. 


I guess this is how it feels to have a sad birthday. 


I have always thought that our 感情 很好。I have been wondering in the last month. Why the temper flared at me. 


Watching this kind of show reminds me that the best takeaway from my family was probably that I should be self sufficient, should I have to walk away any day. No one is really dependable forever. No one should feed you other than yourself. 


This documentary: people who try to support their families through sheer diligence. 


Wake up and things are still the same. 


Feels like I just want to remain in a bubble. Nothing I can say. Maybe that's what happens when you are truly upset. Somehow I can't recover from that. 


But we all dream because maybe that's the only way we can be happy


As the song goes •what do you want from me•


Fears you can't speak of 


It's not that I don't want to be happy..


There has to be somewhere in this world (been told that it is very big) that can accomodate me right? 


!!! This is a test post 


I am very blessed to have you :) can't quite describe the feeling of going to bed every night feeling very loved (other than the nights we quarrel haha) and find myself smiling like a silly girl after saying good night. 


WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE AND STOP TRYING TO TELL ME I SHOULD DO THIS I SHOULD DO THAT.

I SHOULDN'T BE DOING ANYTHING THAT ANYONE ON EARTH WANTS. I SHOULD ONLY DO THINGS THAT I FEEL COMFORTABLE ABOUT, EVEN IF THE COMFORTABLE THINGS TO DO ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE BEST THINGS TO DO.

I'M FUCKING SICK OF EVERYONE TRYING TO "MAKE ME A BETTER PERSON". SO WHAT HAPPENS IF I'M NOT A BETTER PERSON/ NOT GOOD ENOUGH? I'M STILL A RIGHTEOUS PERSON RIGHT? AND THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH, NO?

SAINTS AND ANGELS DON'T EXIST.


Today marks the start of the new year. 


你不是真正的快樂　你的笑只是你穿的保護色
你決定不恨了　也決定不愛了
把你的靈魂　關在永遠　鎖上的軀殼

I'm a tear generating machine a.k.a sadness machine.

Darkness begets more darkness, and hence darkness can never drive away darkness.

On a random note, I've always thought that a measure of how much I love a person would be whether I'm willing to die in place of that person. But maybe it's not an accurate measure afterall, because it can be quite simple.


Sometimes I think I'm quite silly but I do think that tonight I know what I want out of life. 


One of those nights that you wish you can close your eyes and morning arrives the next moment so that I don't have to spend the night alone and thinking about answers to questions I can't find, words to emotions I can't quite describe. 


Dear blog





Watching the Korean drama actress cry uncontrollably made me cry that way too. 


A lot of things are done in self preservation. 


因为这样的我不值得


Alas, the big day as many coined it, was over. It's a really strange feeling.
Back to mugging.


In the first 2.5 hours of my last official day in NUS (other than thesis presentation this Thurs), I have sat through a boring review lecture, went to YIH to collect the leather cover copy of the thesis, got my fix of ice lemon tea, and now I'm plugged in to listening to 我是歌手 in a therapeutic corner of MRB watching the world go by.

It's a very strange feeling, somehow I have felt like I've wasted the past four years of my life, or rather, it passed too quickly before I could actually savour any moment. Perhaps I merely didn't have the time to savour any moment. But you know what, I'm really tired. Sometimes even I would like to think that I can never run out of steam - I am almost constantly running on insufficient sleep. I also know that life is never a rat race, but somehow sometimes the competitive streak in me got the better of me. Nonetheless, I think I can say that some moments were definitely more worthwhile than others, and I'm glad that at certain points in time I chose to have fun over grades - I was not that grade centric afterall... And I'm glad that sometimes I chose to study in my then-hall rooom the whole day and shut myself from the world. At least now I still can put up a good fight.

Maybe I wouldn't say that I became a better person in the past four years, but I think I can say that I became more sensible in many ways (though still very much lacking). But sometimes I also wish that I can still very much be the little girl who was very much unafraid of everything else. And I would quote my favourite phrase again - 那是你我都回不去的从前. Many things become inevitable e.g. role reversal in families, seeing your grandparents age and not exactly knowing what to do or what more you can do, a whole more lot of priorities and responsibilities.

And I wonder how things will turn out from here, and how 2nd June will be like when I am in Paris.

And I hope that... this year I can find some courage to go for carols auditions after a good... 4 years. Moejoe has been inspiring, but I'm not sure if I can ever find the courage to do so. It's been such a long while.




Sometimes I feel like just disappearing from earth. 


Indulging in old Korean dramas. When the female character said “原来你的爱那么脆弱” my heart just skipped a beat.


Everything feels unreal. And, I'm here, staring at this mess.


" You thought you loved me until you saw my worst. You thought you had found a gem but you never thought that your gem has a dark side. And then, you could love no more. "


Today I told someone something about my family that, I think only three other human-friends know on earth. Was trying very hard to hold back my tears when I said that, and I did, but saying it out made me realise how... pathetic I sound.

And subsequently whatever I said, made me sound super unreasonable, materialistic, and what not, and I felt pathetic about having to say such things. But it's true that those are things I will never accept in my future family (if I do ever have one).

Because no one fucking knows how hard it is/was to be a kid who grew up under those circumstances. 

Maybe you were right and it's true that deep down I'm just a very broken girl. Haha.

Maybe that's why I studied so hard because I want to know that even if I'm alone at the end of the day, I can support myself fully, without having to depend on any other human being.





我，人生最害怕的事……

是被遗弃。

害怕你把我丢下，自己一个人离去。

奇妙的是，这种恐惧，在好久好久没出现后，在漫长、已遗失的岁月里突然出现。

我，吓傻了。

很不妙。


Sometimes I think the environment I grew up in, the 5% bad of it, ruined me as hell as a person.

Sometimes I wish someone would just take me away. Like. Now. I probably would leave immediately (as I am typing this) and start a new life somewhere else, as long as someone would take me away.

It's not as if I haven't tried my best for the past 3+ years to forget, and forgive. But the way you treated/treat everyone in the family is just, unacceptable.

Some people say that family is the most important thing to a person. I agree. But sometimes I also see why its impossible to forgive, no matter how hard you try.

As much as I am stressed up doing thesis, part of me just wish these days won't end... so that I can dwell in this quite simple mini community, so that I can have brilliant excuses for not returning home, so that I still can hang on to the last piece of string holding me on. Because I know that this piece of string will disappear almost as immediately as the past few months have flown past. And I don't know what's going to happen to me after that.

Other than not knowing how the hell am I going to get that damned A for thesis. But I must, I must, I have to.


Warning: This entire blogpost is essentially me talking to myself. 

I took my laptop out, wanting to do some thesis work. These days I do not take out anything from my bag from the moment I reach home because... all I want to do is to collapse on my bed and concuss and fall into a fake death i.e. deep sleep.

So what happened was I listened to some very sad song I saw on FB, which had really interesting lyrics, and I went on to watch the real MV. And it was a disgustingly mobid but really raw (in terms of emotions)... video and I spent the remaining time thinking about the lyrics.

I was just wondering if I had a dayre how would it look like for these two months.

BUT ANYHOW. I had a huge self-discovery today. Problem is, I have always perceived myself as a confident individual. More than half the time I walk into an examination hall knowing/thinking I will ace it. But I am really super afraid of this sem's examinations because... I have my track record of getting Bs despite getting As for the rest of the modules. But that's not the point. Maybe deep down, all this confidence is faked? Who knows right. WHY ELSE WOULD I BE.... so damn afraid.

Life is... all about spending my daySSSS at camri, and wondering what the hell is happening to my thesis. And nothing much more. Suddenly I don't seem so excited for it to end because of many other reasons but I always think that its a joke that I will be starting to earn money soon ALL BY MYSELF because if given a choice, I would be the blur sotong girl next door.

And these days every single damn sign is pointing me towards what I rrrrrreally want. So maybe I will have to fastforward my plan by a few years.





Also, I start to question if I am suited for the corporate world (perpetual unanswerable question).

I think I really hate who I am now.

And as much as I justify it by saying that this is a choice, I could have not allowed myself fall into this.

So at the end of the day is how much is pride worth? Or rather, putting down some pride for some other pride.


During the happier days in life I never needed to blog. Every day passed as miraculously as it could have and I would be indulging in some god-oh-so-romantic-sob-love-mob-story (episodes) at the end of the day with a higher aim of picking up cantonese.

These days I just feel so insecure.

I think no one will really disagree if I would to posit a statement that I'm the most undeserving of a first class amongst everyone (and maybe that's just how it would end). I feel rather unintelligent 'cause I have no clue as to why I am doing this this and this. My stats is really poor/ super sai/ no other words to describe. My results are quite the lowest amongst everyone else. Although I am very pleased with my grad job but it just seems that its the lowliest job compared to everyone else.

I know I am not supposed to compare. I have always been a person who counts her blessings and not want to be compared to other people I JUST WANT TO LEAD MY OWN SECLUDED LIFE.

But sometimes I feel like am a bother because I really need help. And I would sometimes think if the rest are like thinking why am I even here in the first place.

I DON'T KNOW.

And I have been very very distracted recently. Can't focus on thesis/ getting complacent. Which is disastrous.


Two thoughts that came up last week:

1. What's your purpose in life?

2. Is money that important?

The former came up during a random chat in camri lab when I, instantaneously, said that my purpose in life is not to be happy. And I think some were shocked. I didn't expect that out of my mouth, but I said that I think I want to be at ease in life. And I thought it is still an incomplete answer. I will add living a righteous life to that answer. And perhaps, not knowing the real purpose in life is a journey in life in itself.

The latter came up during dinner. At this age, with such qualifications, it's hard to say no to money. But I think that if such a question keeps coming back to you back and forth, it also eludes something about that person.

In the past few days, I have been quite frustrated about a certain group of people commenting on the jobs of others, and sometimes I feel like telling it to their faces (not acquaintances not friends) that WHAT IS WRONG WITH JOB X Y OR Z if the person is earning money through his or her hard work? Yes, that job may seem lowly to you, it doesn't pay as well, but is person A B OR C leading a decent life, being serious at work? If the answer is yes, then what's with your tone of distaste, and despising that very job?

 It led me to think that I might have a very hard corporate life, but reminds me once again as to why eventually I will be in public service.





For now, W is on the plane and has probably arrived in Helsinki.

It's time that I buck up and start doing my work. I have been spending almost every single day meeting him for various reasons since he ended his internship and traveling to Clementi has been a pain because of the cold trains and my cough has been on-and-off - I cough as long as my body feels the cold.

So, I think it's not exactly easy to send a loved one off. I don't know how he did it when I was away in China for more than 5 months. It's a very strange kind of feeling. But deep down I feel happy for him that he is finally able to live the (I think) best 5 months of his undergraduate life.

For myself, NUS Business has not been the best place to be in (I define best as a feeling, not that the academic part of biz school isn't great or anything). Other aspects of NUS have made up for it. But I can't wait to get out of biz school!!! 


There are just too many aspects of life that deserves our rightful attention. So how do you even start prioritizing?

I guess the trick is to savour any precious moment, that's the only way to prevent it from slipping away. I think ultimately, humans are forgetful creatures. At least for myself, I always remember the good and forget the bad.


My post-OCIP reflection can be found on FB (under Notes).

I sink into this, non-existent state, every time I come back from an OCIP without fail. Today is a Thursday and I was trying to recall where we were last Thursday at this time - we were building filters, with urine water.

So I have been complaining over the past few days, about how I'm so jealous of my law friends who travel as soon as they have the time. i.e. they disappear almost every other holiday, and you know that they are elsewhere traveling and having a good time. Jing Heng then reprimanded me, reminding me that I just came back from Cambodia myself less than a week ago - and that counted as an overseas exposure in itself.

The other day, I was thinking about how, it seems that most or all of my friends have the luxury to travel. And sometimes I wonder if people outside of my social circle have the luxury to do so. This is on the very bold presumption that most of my friends come from generally well-to-do (I refrain from using the word rich) families, and a significant portion of them are doing their undergraduate studies abroad. Perhaps the advent of budget airlines also led to this, increase, in volume of traveling but it really does cost a lot of money! Gwl and I spent approx $700 (including airtickets $300+) for a 5D4N Taipei trip.

But I guess you just have to know that at the end of the day, the world is so big, you can never truly finish "seeing" any place or all the places on earth. So I guess the best policy is to 知足常乐 and be grateful that we're all in good health to wander and wonder around.

On another completely unrelated note, I packed and threw out at least 15 bags of stuff from my room yesterday. SO HAPPY TO DO THAT. Also, I went down memory lane, seeing things I never knew existed (like Readon's Sec2 Geog notes). Thought about some friendships I've lost over the years... and am thankful for those that remain.

Will blog later about a very interesting question Yitty asked last night about faith.




Life, as it is, is full of ironies. To the extent that I thought I was quite motivated by money, my actions proved otherwise most of the time. I wouldn't do something that I don't like in exchange for higher pay. Neither will I say things I don't mean just to get that big-pay-check job. And perhaps that is why I'm in such a precarious position, because here I am, trying to maximise my future earnings without compromising on what I hold on to - telling the truth and following my heart. And very often I wonder if that is exactly where I will fall, because I simply can't apply "见风使舵" to my daily life.

Some days, I wake up asking myself what does it take to "make it big". But when I fall back on my mundane life, I don't see anything wrong being the next-door-ordinary-girl, I don't see anything distasteful about having an-average-life. I question the desire to "climb high", and realise that its not exactly part of what I really want. And at the end of the day I don't think I have what it takes to be there - I know what it takes, I can do what it takes, but I don't see the need to. Because at the end of the day I'm left with "so what?"

On other days, I 'blame' this on my mum's education. (Not the blame in the real sense but I think I can attribute it to her.) She is someone who believes in having enough, doesn't crave for more, and all she asks for is probably kinship, health, and having enough to get by. No one ever tells me that I have to be the best in the class (though I am rewarded at times for doing superb), no one tells me that I have to choose a course which can bring me wealth and status. Which is why I always fall back thinking what is so bad about just having enough... So what if you actually become a big shot later in life?

This reminds me of something else. It has been a long time since I have done anything that makes me feel marginally satisfied. I am still thinking of how am I able to devote my time to something meaningful (background: there was quite a period of time when I gave free tuition at AMKSS in j1/j2 on Saturdays to kids who can't afford tuition). Granted, I am soon going to graduate with a good honours, a well-paid job (hopefully!!), will never fall below median/average income ever in my life if I manage my finances properly, can have a decent life thereafter. But really, I think this country is going to have a big issue dealing with people who need help. And sadly, many corporations who have the ability to help are just not doing enough (here there can be a potential debate about what is enough, and do they even have such a responsibility in the first place). And sometimes, what you think is the best for the disadvantaged isn't what is really the best for them.


It has been 1.5 years since I last posted.


“The world doesn’t want puppets who chase after targets,
the world wants personal heroes who chase after their dreams”.

I came across this quote on the web.

It kind of, pierced through my heart. For now, I'll never be one who chased after her dreams. To be honest, I really appreciate the kind of lessons my friends have been attending in the US colleges. It seems to teach one more about the world, simply the world at large, than mundane (stupid) business modules does. What good do I have learning about Investment Banking, per say, where I wouldn't even fight to be an investment banker even if it means good money and even if I have the capabilities to fight for it? NOTHING. I'd rather be sitting in a class about International Relations or the Republican System i.e. i.e.

I could have pursued the artsy kinda interest, in USP. But I gave it up for practicality in exchange for half a year's experience in Beijing.

Today I was reminded that I want to be successful in my own right. What I failed to achieve for myself in the first one quarter of my life, I want my children (if I ever have them) to do what they want. Singapore is too small a place for great learning to take place. Our system is just, not suitable for people like me. I want to be able to pay this regret forward.

Today, I remind myself that nothing is stopping me from learning more, from venturing further. Those that are not taught can be learnt. I need to do something about my laziness.


今非昔比.

It dawned upon me that it has been 2 whole years since Junior College came to an end.

Things change, people change, times have also changed. In short, I seemed to have completely lost my old self. If anyone could recall, I was about the loudest person I've lived to know. I was loud in my actions, my words, my thoughts, I speak what I think is right, even if it is not always right or appropriate, I speak what I think should be said and what I felt I wanted to say. It wasn't ignorance for sure, it was simply being carefree, with a tinge of rudeness and boldness. It could not have been ignorance - I knew perfectly the kind of consequences whatever I did would bring about, but I still went ahead anyway.

But right now, I couldn't be bothered with most of the things. I am still in a state of awareness, but I watch things go by and happen most of the time. I still voice my thoughts and actions, but few would know or see. I've taken a cynical stance towards friendship - All my good friends as of the end of JC are still here, I've gained some new friends who were old friends, but I don't exactly feel that I've gained completely new strangers as friends at all. I'm a trusting person by nature, but I just can't be bothered to take a step forward, to spend time and understand people more. Neither do I think it is possible to actually dig up a person's pasts to understand a person more. We are 21 this year, this translates into lots of stories being learnt, and I don't wish to spend this time.

I've also become quieter. I've learnt to like solitude and me-time alot more in college. I used to need to be surrounded by many many people, the more the merrier. But in recent years, I actually like being alone. Being alone doesn't make me a lonely person, I'm still loved by those I love, it's just that quiet times to yourself are hard to find admist the tons of work.

I find myself constantly straining my eyebrows - a sign that I'm thinking, and thinking hard. There seems to be more that weighs my heart down. I think more than once for most of the issues I face now, instead of acting recklessly. I'm either thinking about the future, or reflecting on myself, or just thinking about what I want and who I really am. The truth is, I still don't know what I want. But I get hints of what I want through my emotions. If I'm actually envious of someone, or a particular incident, I probably want it and hence it might be something that I want. But I don't think that is an accurate representation either.

THese days, I'm exceptionally easily touched by more HK dramas. I guess they do reflect alot of human nature in them. As a result, I have questions which no answers can answer. That's the miserable part. I ask myself why, for a thousand million things, but I know I have no answers for them and no one in this world would have either.


sometimes, the more happy and blissful you are, the more you become afraid of losing it all.

sometimes, you can't help but to cry in the middle of the night because of this unwarranted fear. it seems too good to be true. what if it just slips away, like good things always does, like how all happy endings always come to an end.


Never realised how much I liked looking at the sea, enjoying the breezes, or even still air, and the seemingly silent sounds in the background.

Occurred to me that we've caught the last sunset of 2011 together, and that moment was rather breathtaking. <3


2011 is the year that went by so fast, maybe a little too fast. It's the year you felt the most pressure to the point where you gave up so many times but you're still learning how to get back up. It's the year you said you were going to accomplish great things yet you feel like you just wasted time. But it's also the year you move on, slowly, and you realise that it is okay.


I gradually like being alone. Being alone doesn't mean that I'm lonely, it just means that I like to savour the taste of this world in a cosy quiet corner on my own.

Happy first day of work tomorrow for me, I SINCERELY HOPE THAT I CAN ACT SOCIABLE.


Will I regret if I just die now?

Yes.

Should I do something about it?

Yes.


I miss the days when we were younger, where I could do things without thinking.

I think the notion of beer and books are highly alluring.

ELI IM SO JEALOUS OF YOU :(


This is sian ^ 10000 because I wrote different answers from the general crowd because I ACT SMART then I get wrong -.-


Will come back stronger.

Year 3 Sem 1 I'm going to pwn you again!!!!

When I set my eyes on something, it must become mine.


I changed my mind. It's more of an exasperation.

Right now I could tell myself that my grades don't define me. I will still succeed in life in my own terms and definitions even without a 1st class, but no. I'm better at this than to try to deceive myself. Probability of a smart kid who does well in school and succeed in life >> probability of a smart kid who doesn't do well in school and succeed in life. Period.

WHY LIFE SO TOUGH. I WANNA GO FARM -.-

But maybe not. If life isn't tough it isn't a life worth living i.e. ruiwen's favourite self invented quote. hurhur.


So I had a taste of being beaten.

Not to say it was a very, highly, bitter taste.

But how to do you climb unless you fall
how do you rise unless you burn
how do you win unless you lose


There has to be more to life than, this.

Years ago I've always thought I am a small chirpy without legs. Years later when I've thought that my legs grew out, I suddenly discover that I might just have retractable legs.

Maybe I'm just not suited to be tied to anything for that matter. Resting on the same wire is just so, so not me.

BACKTOMYBIGPLANABOUTTRAVELLINGAROUNDTHEWORLD#
NEEDMONEYBEFORETHAT#


So it finally feels like... Examinations have started. Paper wasn't exactly the best one I've had, because of the numerous BIO questions zzzz.


Saw kaiyin piggy today. Just when I thought I have severe lack of sleep, she looks like she hadn't slept in a week or something :( Would loved to have given her a big squishy hug if not for the tremendous amounts of files she was carrying and my laptop and blazer and court shoes I was carrying :(

I think that this sem I learnt to take things a little less harsh, like, I only want to do well in subjects I want to do well. Childish as it sounds, but I really don't see the point of understanding something you don't even want to understand in the first place.


2 more weeks and this is the last good fight I will put up. Go, break, go. A life that isn't tough is not worth your living.


Bloody hate whatever is coming.


Audit is an application. Accounting is an art.


If I give up now, I will never be able to fight back again.

Just.keep.running.


我最错最错的是 轻敌。